To not want ILs to stay for a single extra night?

[IsThisAllThereIs]

DPIL are lovely. They are kind and help out. They are coming to visit next weekend and have asked to stay 4 nights instead of 3. I really don't want them to though.

I know I abu :( but....

I just find it hard having people around. DD is 16 weeks and although we have a cleaner and the house is not a disaster, it is not that tidy. The shower has mould all over it, the kitchen table has piles of papers. I try to sort these things when DD is napping, but recently she has bucked her routine and doesn't nap at reliable times, or will only nap on me.

I am trying to do bits n bats of stuff for work, to keep the house running on a daily basis, to keep DD stimulated by reading stories, trying to get her back into a routine, trying to lose pg weight by walking every day and cutting out sugar, and trying to do projects round the house like shelves for DD room etc.

Sometimes the days pass so quickly without me seeming to achieve anything. Then I feel like a crap mum. Sometimes they stretch out endlessly and I feel a huge sick sense of panic and failure. I am desperate for DH to come home then but he works long hoirs and has recently had back surgery so can't do much.

I did the Edinburgh test online and scored 15. It said to contact an HCP if it was more than 10 but there is no one I can talk to. I have a massive fear of someone thinking I am not coping and taking DD away.

PIL live 300 miles away but come regularly for 3 ish nights. In the last four weeks they have come for two long weekends. I find it so much harder when they are here. I feel on show all the time. They very much regard childcare as the mum's job and will talk about DH helping me out if he takes her for 20min while I eat my tea. Last time they came I pretended I needed a nap and went upstairs with DD and cried for an hour. Then I couldn't come down as my face was all blotchy.

I know I'm lucky to have a gorgeous healthy baby and GP who care about her and want to be involved. But DH and I agreed a limit of three nights for guests and I just can't cope with four :(

Go ahead and flame :(

Surely you can see another GP? My surgery couldn't care less who I see. Just tell them on the phone you want to see someone else. You can ask for a female doctor if that helps. Be firm. You need support, the early days and weeks are hard. You also need DH onside.

Ok massive crossed post.

Tell the receptionist you need to see a female GP. Tell your health visitor to fuck off and send someone who knows what they are doing.

Sit down and feed your baby, cuddle her and enjoy.

Your in-laws need to book a hotel. They have visited plenty, you need time for you.

Any arguments, give me the numbers of those above and I'm happy to get my bitch on for you.

No slating or flaming from me either!

I see that you don't think you can go and see someone but I would really urge you to go and see someone. I had PND and it was untreated and it made things so so much harder for so long when it really didn't need to be.
I would really go back to see a GP and demand another GP. You are entitled to another opinion anyway!

Re the ILs, I think you are trying to keep some standards that you don't need to keep up with. The weighty loss, the mouldy shower or whatever just don't seem to be your IL priorities. They know how hard motherhood can be. And that you are doing your best for your dad (Oh, btw, it's ok not to read everyday to a 16weeks old baby). They shouldn't be on the top of your priority list either!

I realise that GPs/GP surgeries are organised differently from practice to practice, but you have every right to ask to see another GP - insist if you have to. Don't be rude to reception staff (they tend to just pass on what they've told to say) but ask to speak to the practice manager. There's no need to go in to the ins and outs of what you need to see another/female dr for, but just state that you do and what can they do to facilitate that?

Your 'job' just now is to be there for your DD and to survive - not paper work and not shelves and not clean bathrooms. Your job is 24/7, so there's really no time for other projects. Eat well, don't diet, take the baby out for walks in her pram, continue to BF (I hope that's going well now?) and your weight will look after itself. It took 9 months to make this child, it will easily take 9 months for your body to have reached its 'new normal'.

Re BFing and dropping a centile - that is NOT a safe guarding issue, believe me. Declining to FF is NOT a safe guarding issue - I am sorry that you have been made to feel that it is. No wonder you don't have a trusting supportive relationship with your HV.
Have you made contact with any BFing support groups near you? LLL? Local groups?
You are doing a marvellous job

phsteven yes yes that is it exactly. PIL home is immaculate and DMIL is lovely and helps when she is here but I always feel she is secretly judging. Probably in my head but there you go.

The other thng is, DD is due her last lot of jabs that week and she reacted really strongly to the last lot, high temp, inconsolable etc, and I don't want to cope with that with them here. I will maybe suggest that to DH as an excuse.

He is happy to talk to them but keeps saying "it's sad I feel that way as they just want to spend time with their DGD and help you out" and I know in my head he us right but sometimes I just need SPACE.

Thank you all so much for listening.

Any arguments, give me the numbers of those above and I'm happy to get my bitch on for you.

Me too. I'm remarkably effective with bureaucracy. And still cross about the subtle bullying I received at the hands of a couple of HCPs when I was a vulnerable, stressed, worried new mother. Thank fuck they weren't all like that.

I echo what everyone else has said. You need time for you. Five visits in 4 months, with a newborn, when they expect to stay with you, is too much unless you're initiating it.

Feeling quite grateful my in laws couldn't be arsed, TBH.

PS 16 weeks/ 4 months can be a very tricky time for babies - my daughter's sleep went absolutely bananas around then. You are in the thick of things just now.

You really must insist on seeing a female gp. Surely you are entitled to a second opinion?

He is not 'right' - you feel the way you feel, you need space more than their well meaning help at the moment, and that is absolutely fine.

Get glen to have your back!

He is happy to talk to them but keeps saying "it's sad I feel that way as they just want to spend time with their DGD and help you out" and I know in my head he us right but sometimes I just need SPACE.

That's the crux though, isn't it? Them visiting isn't helping you out - quite the opposite. If they truly want to help you out they'll give you the space you need to establish who you are as a parent, and as a person who happens to be a parent.

Yanbu. They shouldn't/wouldn't ask if they knew.

House guests for 4 nights is hard work.

My IL's also say that they want to help out. I explained to DH that although they have the best of intentions, having them there doesn't help me out at all, in fact it's the opposite. He is on board with that and says he will do whatever is easiest for me and facilitate that with them (for example they wanted to stay with us for 2 weeks over my due date with DC2 due in July, he has helped them to arrange alternative accommodation).
Is your DH aware of how you are feeling from a depression perspective?

Three visits in the space of four weeks is far too much! It is affecting your health. Can you talk to DH and agree they come once a month or once every couple of months. I think you put your foot down about this visit and say it's not convenient. Then give them a date at least a month away.

Please ask to see a different GP, you are allowed to request a female one of just a different one. He sounds terrible.

Thank you all so much!

Have asked repeatedly to see a female GP, and have been told, no. Didn't have a proper 32w chech when pg or 6w check, although obv took DD. Have been told I must email practice manager as a special request but tbh my reasons are, I was raped as a teen and don't want to be touched by a male Dr if not necessary.

When I explained the details of what happened to my lovely MW before birth she said in her view I should get a psych assessment and consider ELCS. So I was going to bring this up at my 32w check but felt so uncomfortable with this GP I just couldn't bear to start giving details. So didn't ask for the referral, thankfully gave birth early and very fast at home so avoided the issue of male hospital docs.

Really need someone to look at my stitches but feel so icky about this Dr doing an intimate exam.

We live in a small village so no other practice to attend.

Feel like I am just making excuses now and not taking all your good advice but it helps to just rant!!

Will try and lower standards like everyone is saying though :)

Cut yourself some slack with the weight loss too. Your DS is only 16 weeks and you're EBF. You need to look after yourself. It can take a year to lose weight, some of us never manage it. I'm still trying after 9 months. Be kind to yourself, stop pressuring yourself.

OP I'm a hcp and I'm telling you, you have very right to see a female GP. I would kick up a stink with the practice manager.

You can also ask for a different HV, there will be more than one.

Please speak to the practice manager - arrange a meeting and taking somebody supportive with you.
You do NOT have to disclose to anybody your reasons why you are uncomfortable seeing 'your' GP for intimate health issues, just that you are. And what is the practice proposing to allow you to access the health care you need? Let them offer a solution.

It sounds like you have come through a lot and here your are: well done! Blood well done, I mean it.

Now get on with doing a bit less and expecting less of yourself and pandering to other people's feeling less

You're putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself. Nobody expects you to have a show home with a 16 week old. You say PILs are lovely. Would they be able to give you a bit of support with the practical stuff while they are there?

Don't feel like you have to be a hostess. With a young baby when family stay I think it's much more normal for them to help out. Do a bit of cleaning, cook for you. Do you think DH might have a word and see if they could help give you a bit of a break?

jassy and heartsmile yes exactly. Before I had DD, when they would visit, MIL would weed the driveway or clean the windows and then say to me, oh I know you don't have time to do these things as you work.

I feel like saying, DH and me BOTH work, why is it me that should doesn't have time?

I do like them, really I do, just feeling a bit frazzled and don't need to be playing super mum right now :)

Can you register with a different practise? They sound useless. You have such high expectations of yourself for so early on. You are doing brilliantly. Sleep when the baby sleeps- that will help your mood a little- and don't try to lose weight until she is a bit older and sleeping better. Even when not depressed I think it is hard for the body to cope with interrupted sleep and one way to get a bit of a pick me up is to eat well. Give it another month or three. Life is not a race. Try and see a doctor you like. You are not alone and you are doing well.

If it helps, my 13 month old still hasn't got a routine for naps. And his vaccs always knocked him for six.
Just echoing what you've already been told - you CAN ask for a female gp and you must talk to your DH, he needs to know how you feel. Write it down if you feel you can't handle a face-to-face. Perhaps the Pils can stay in a b&b if they don't mind.
Ignore the HV. My sister had one like that. She ebf and they fussed about my niece not gaining enough. She was just a small baby, otherwise perfectly healthy!
Cut yourself a huge hunk of slack, have a nice cuppa and stop trying to achieve the impossible. You're a new mum, it's bloody hard work and judgy people can just shove off.
I think I would have had some sort of episode if I'd had to have house guests when ds2 was born, it was a close run thing as it was!

It will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it will!

Is there a female doctor at the practice?

If there is, why not send your DH down to the surgery to explain things to the practice manager? It will be easier than you having to speak to her/him about your private life. Anyone hearing about your trauma will know that you would be better off with a female GP.

X-post
Your hcps sound awful!

pacific thanks. The practice manager is my neighbour and I considred requesting a meeting but don't want to share details of sexual,abuse and then have to say good morning to her every day! I know she would be professional but I have literally never talked to anyone about it except DH and that lovely MW, and it makes me sick going thru the details tbh as ut wasn't just a "straightforward" rape iyswim. I am prob being silly but I don't want my NDN looking at me and having those images in her head. Even if she doesn't let on.

Maybe I will see if I can email her without giving details but the receptionist was quite positive I couldn't see anyone else even when I said I didn't feel happy with this Dr. She just said, but Dr X is lovely and anyway I can't make an appt with anybody but your named Gp due to continuity of care.

Feel bad aboit weight loss as when I went for the 6w check forbDD the GP said, how was I feeling physically and I said I was struggling with weight loss and thought I had put on some fat since the birth as I was very sick throughout pg, so didn't put on much, but then seem to have laid down fat since. He looked quite revolted tbh and said he had never heard of anyone gaining weight after birth and he was sure with a determined effort I could get back to normal and I should go for walks and do abdo excerises religiously. And bf didn't need that many extra calories as many women thought. So I've been trying.

Anyhow DD needs a bum change and some cuddles so off now but thank you all SO MUCH.

Mothers Do
This is the book that Tremelo mentioned above. It is really worth reading. I read it when my dd was tiny and I was feeling waves of panic and confusion and other stuff that I am glad is all in the past now. And agree with other posters who say go to see your GP/HV. You will be helped, not judged.

Ooops - that was meant to be "What Mothers Do" !