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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reminding Older Kids of Thier Manners in Front of Parent ??

59 replies

RockinHippy · 09/05/2015 14:57

There is a bit of background to this, & where as we are very different, as is DH to his DSis, I have previously got on just fine with SIL, but I'm finding that more difficult recently as she is becoming more & more opinionated & outspoken. She has no clue about the reality of kids & has a lot of hang ups & current marriage stress making her quite bitchy at times.

DH pulled her up on it last time as it was directed at me, the only reason I didn't, was for the sake of not causing a scene at a family gathering they had held for other family visiting from abroad, who were staying with us. I'm not usually one to let someone get away with a directly bitchy & uncalled for remark, but did the dignified thing & tried to do SIL & family a favour by not drawing attention to her behaviour.

DH & I have mostly just laughed stuff off in the past as her just not having a clue, but I think it's getting out of hand, DH & I have just had words over the following, so I'm wondering if AIBU to take offence & tell him off for not backing DD or if he's right & it's no big deal & not really connected to other incidents - I'm taking it as criticism of our parenting & insulting to a very well mannered DD, who is upset by it.

SIL has let DD film a fashion video in her garden (lights not so great in our yard) DD had already had to put up with several snide remarks about the chosen outfits & a very sniffy negative attitude about her hair which currently has a wash out red colour in it.

On leaving, SIL had put her head in through the car window & told DD in a very haughty manor, "well, you can always say thank you by text I suppose"

DD insists she had already thanked her aunt twice, once very clearly & repeatedly when they had to move to an inside room due to rain. As in "thank you so much aunty xxxx, I really apreciate it" which she is sure her aunt heard. She tried to tell DH this, but he just told her just to text her aunt anyway as she obviously either didn't, or her aunt didn't hear.

Normally I would agree, but as teens go, we have a very polite one, plus this isn't a one of & I think DH should have stuck up for DD

AIBU??

( excuse any typos, this sure really isn't liking my iPad right now[cobfused]

TIA

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 19:56

Well youve just said the same thing again proving that you have missed the point. The point isnt about what would be quicker- moaning online or texting a thanks. The point is that the DD already thanked her aunt twice, so telling her to send a quick text to say thinks indicates that yes you have entirely missed the point. Either that or you cant be bothered to think the problem through, in which case, why bother posting?

mynewpassion · 09/05/2015 20:04

I have thought it through and still stand by my opinion. I am ok with you not agreeing with it.

Not a big deal. Differing views.

AliceLidl · 09/05/2015 20:05

I think it would have been nice of your DD to thank her Aunt again at the end as she was leaving.

It was nice of her to say it at the start, and again when she was allowed to use the house as well as the garden.

But a final thanks as they left would have been nice as well.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 20:11

Its not that i disagree with your opinion my its that your post doesnt indicate that you are aware of what the issue is.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 20:14

But a final thanks as they left would have been nice as well.

Can you explain why? I am genuinely intrigued by why one thank you is insufficient. Is it the timing of the thanks? If she hadnt said the initial two sets of thanks would you expect her to say thanks 3 times while leaving? Or is it just out of habit or social expectation that it should be said at the end of the scenario? Why are the earlier two sets of thank yous not sufficient?

GloGirl · 09/05/2015 20:32

1 - thanks for letting us come over

2 - thanks for agreeing we can film indoors

The missing thank you is - 3 - thanks for helping out. Thanks for being so accommodating. Can't wait to show you the finished video. Thanks again for today.

Would it really hurt to say those things? The OP says that Auntie helped out with "advice" (albeit apparently unwarranted), let teenagers set up inside her house after they'd been arsing about in the garden. They basically took over her home for the day. Judging by the comments on here and how ruthless everyone is in dishing out their appreciation I'm surprised anyone on MN gets any favours ever.

Put it another way, I invite you to my home for dinner. You turn up and you say "Thanks for inviting me", as you eat the food you say "This is nice thanks". If you're on you're way out the door and don't say "Thank you GloGirl for a lovely evening, it was delicious and we had a great time" - you do not get invited back.

Fuck, the way everyone is talking on this thread I am genuinely boggled. Yes, the Aunt was rude to ask for thanks - but I suppose she is using a "village to raise a child" mindset and helping teach her niece some manners.

A brief offhand comment or two is not really conveying gratitude

mynewpassion · 09/05/2015 20:39

The DD could have easily waited until her father finished speaking to SIL and said before "I /we leave, I just wanted to thank you again for everything."

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 20:40

"1 - thanks for letting us come over

2 - thanks for agreeing we can film indoors

The missing thank you is - 3 - thanks for helping out. Thanks for being so accommodating. Can't wait to show you the finished video. Thanks again for today."

if that was how the DD conveyed her first two thanks then yes, a final thanks for the whole thing would be expected. However, OP's post seems to indicate that the DD's first two thanks were both for the whole thing and not as you suggested, separate thanks for letting them come over and using indoors.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 20:41

a brief offhand comment or two is not really conveying gratitude

What makes you think they were brief and offhand?

Laquitar · 09/05/2015 20:42

When you have a very difficult person in the family it is best to keep contact simple and minimal imo. That means xmas, bdays etc but no favours,

By asking or accepting any favours -even tiny ones- you give these people power ime.
I have an aunt like this and i refuse to even eat at her house because i know she will go on and on that she fed us and we didnt thank her and we own to host her in uk etc so i always say 'no thanks'.

AliceLidl · 09/05/2015 20:46

Surly Because when you have been a guest in someone's house, or in this case when they have done you a favour and let you use it for some reason, it's polite to thank them as you leave.

The Aunt was doing the OP's daughter a favour, a final "thanks again" at the end would be nice.

AliceLidl · 09/05/2015 20:51

And no, if she hadn't said thank you when she arrived to use the garden, or again when she was allowed to film inside as well, I wouldn't have expected her to say "thank you thank you thank you" three times at the end.

That's a bit odd actually.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 20:51

Why must it be at the end if it has already happened twice? I dont understand this insistence on repeating thanks for the same thing.

a final "thanks again" at the end would be nice.

Even the phrase itself "thanks again" acknowledges that you have already thanked her

AliceLidl · 09/05/2015 20:56

Because it's polite.

TheOriginalWinkly · 09/05/2015 21:00

But the OP says the DD would have thanked the aunt again at the end, she politely waited until aunt and her DF had finished talking, and got sniped at before she could open her mouth. So (a) she had thanked her twice and (b) would have thanked her again but the aunt (who was rude rude rude about her niece's hair etc) snapped at her before she could.

Seriously OP, never ever accept favours from this woman. She's the type that expects a full page ad in the national press proclaiming her generosity.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 21:00

Who says? Why are the two previous expressions of thanks not polite?

MammaTJ · 09/05/2015 21:09

She clearly wanted her thanks in blood! I suggest you get your DD to slit her wrists and send an appropriate message. Then all will be well!

I actually took my DD to a 'friends' house for a fun photo shoot as a bit of a bonding exercise for us two, we had done some around our own home. Female friend gave full permission, knowing it would go on FB and her husband proceeded to have a go at me on one of the pics about using 'his house' without 'his permission'. She had a HA house that she refused to put him on, as he would then have rights he did not have at the time! So not actually his house!

AliceLidl · 09/05/2015 21:10

Surly yes they are also polite, but why is a final thanks at the end of someone doing a big favour, turning their house and garden over to a teenager to film in, such a problem for you?

I think we have to agree to disagree on this one. Thanking someone at the end of a favour might seem unnecessary to you, but to me it's a nice, polite thing to do.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 21:21

Surly yes they are also polite

Ok so the final thanks is more polite? Or the only one that counts?

but why is a final thanks at the end of someone doing a big favour, turning their house and garden over to a teenager to film in, such a problem for you?

The problem is that the aunt (not sure if you are too) is implying it was rude of the DD not to thank as she left despite having already thanked her twice before. Dont get me wrong, i am sure i have thanked people upon leaving their house out of habit even if i had already thanked them- i dont think there is anything wrong with it. I do have a problem with someone declaring me rude for not thanking specifically as i left even if i have thanked before that for exactly the same thing.

The aunt did a lovely thing, yes, and was thanked for it twice. Im not sure why the only one that mattered was the one at the end.

OP for future reference advise your DD to thank only once, loudly, clearly and directly to the aunt, making eye contact and ensuring she has aunt's undivided attention whilst she expresses it. Perhaps have her sign a document while she is at it. Include time of thanks so everyone involved knows it was as she was exiting the premises.

AliceLidl · 09/05/2015 21:36

Surly for one last time.

I think it's polite to thank people as you leave their house after being their guest or having been on the receiving end of a favour, even if you've already done it as you arrive or partway through when the arrangement changed. You are leaving, they have been gracious, why not thank them/thank them again?

I'm not grading the value thanks or anything based on when they happened, which you seem to think is what's happening.

It's just what I would do. I would expect my DS to do it. If I were the OP I would have expected my DD to do it, and also my DH, since the DD is a pre-teen and so the Aunt was effectively babysitting for them as well as doing the DD a favour. I think it's a nice thing to do. I think it's polite to do so.

I've already said the DD was nice to thank the Aunt twice previously, but I can't see why one final thank you at the end is so objectionable to you. The Aunt was rude to push the issue in the way she did.

I really don't want to spend the rest of the thread arguing with you because you might do differently or don't see the need. As I said, lets agree to differ on this.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 21:39

But do you think it is rude not to thank as you leave despite having thanked twice earlier?

amybear2 · 09/05/2015 22:19

'But do you think it is rude not to thank as you leave despite having thanked twice earlier?'
I think it woul;d ceretainly be unusual, if not rude.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 22:43

Wow! How ridiculous that two thank yous are completely worthless because they arent uttered at a time that you deem appropriate.

Thanks is thanks! If you have been thanked once then you have been thanked.

This reminds me of those pathetic threads where people complain that they werent thanked on facebook for bringing a cake or a donation or whatever, despite being thanked at the time of handing it over. It seems gratitude has to be witnessed by others (the aunt seemed to want it said infront of her brother) before it counts. Madness.

bettythebuilder · 09/05/2015 22:56

Yanbu. If your dd does text (yet another!) thank you, I suggest it's on the lines of "Once again, thank you very much Auntie pita , as I said this afternoon I'm very grateful for the use of your garden/house for my photoshoot"

wiltingfast · 09/05/2015 23:00

Surely she should just thank her again by text? What's the big deal? Sil clearly thought it had been omitted and in the end, if the recipient doesn't feel thanked (however unreasonable they are being) then they are not thanked properly imo. And certainly I tend to thank as I leave, doesn't everyone?

I think op you are letting the larger picture colour your view of this.

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