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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reminding Older Kids of Thier Manners in Front of Parent ??

59 replies

RockinHippy · 09/05/2015 14:57

There is a bit of background to this, & where as we are very different, as is DH to his DSis, I have previously got on just fine with SIL, but I'm finding that more difficult recently as she is becoming more & more opinionated & outspoken. She has no clue about the reality of kids & has a lot of hang ups & current marriage stress making her quite bitchy at times.

DH pulled her up on it last time as it was directed at me, the only reason I didn't, was for the sake of not causing a scene at a family gathering they had held for other family visiting from abroad, who were staying with us. I'm not usually one to let someone get away with a directly bitchy & uncalled for remark, but did the dignified thing & tried to do SIL & family a favour by not drawing attention to her behaviour.

DH & I have mostly just laughed stuff off in the past as her just not having a clue, but I think it's getting out of hand, DH & I have just had words over the following, so I'm wondering if AIBU to take offence & tell him off for not backing DD or if he's right & it's no big deal & not really connected to other incidents - I'm taking it as criticism of our parenting & insulting to a very well mannered DD, who is upset by it.

SIL has let DD film a fashion video in her garden (lights not so great in our yard) DD had already had to put up with several snide remarks about the chosen outfits & a very sniffy negative attitude about her hair which currently has a wash out red colour in it.

On leaving, SIL had put her head in through the car window & told DD in a very haughty manor, "well, you can always say thank you by text I suppose"

DD insists she had already thanked her aunt twice, once very clearly & repeatedly when they had to move to an inside room due to rain. As in "thank you so much aunty xxxx, I really apreciate it" which she is sure her aunt heard. She tried to tell DH this, but he just told her just to text her aunt anyway as she obviously either didn't, or her aunt didn't hear.

Normally I would agree, but as teens go, we have a very polite one, plus this isn't a one of & I think DH should have stuck up for DD

AIBU??

( excuse any typos, this sure really isn't liking my iPad right now[cobfused]

TIA

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/05/2015 15:01

How could he stick up for her, if no-one knows whether the Aunt definitely heard the thank you?

Plus I'm not sure what 'sticking up' there is to do?

I agree, she should just send a text. I don't think it's a big deal.

Original poster
RockinHippy · 09/05/2015 15:06

By reminding SIL that DD had thanked her when they arrived & that she would no doubt have sent a thank you text anyway - DD always has done with other things without prompting ?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/05/2015 15:09

If your DH actually heard your DD thanking her on arrival then yes, he should have said that.

But to be honest, I don't think sending a thank you text is very polite anyway.

I think a clear 'thanks again' as she was leaving would have been better.

Having said that, your SIL does sound a bit stroppy, but then so are a lot of teenagers.

Possibly 6 of one and half a dozen of the other in this particular case.

Original poster
RockinHippy · 09/05/2015 15:09

Sorry, just realised that wasn't clear in my OP - site won't let me type at speed & autocorrect gone nuts, so I've deleted bits

DH did agree he heard DD say thanks to aunt for letting her use the garden when they arrived

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 09/05/2015 15:13

It's really hard to know. As a principle, I think it's ok to remind kids of their manners/behaviour when they forget and their parents aren't inclined, but if you and your daughter believe she did say thanks, it seems a bit odd to harass her about it.

Original poster
RockinHippy · 09/05/2015 15:14

SIL is definitely stroppy & getting worse as she gets older - DD generally not so much so - DD did say she would have thanked her when leaving, but SIL was talking to DH & gets really annoyed if DD interrupts - she's very much of a mind that DCs should be seen & nit heard & still treats DD like a 5 yr old - but SIL git in with her snide remark about texting her before she had a chance to wait for them to finish speaking

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 15:15

If your DD Is a teen i would support her in standing up for herself. As in i would have supported her in firmly reminding aunty infront of DH that she had thanked aunty twice at X and Y times. DH really undermined DD by telling her to text the aunty just to keep the peace.

Original poster
RockinHippy · 09/05/2015 15:16

I should add that we are very hot in good manners, always have been & as a result DD is well mannered, perhaps not always with us, but we are always complimented on her manners by friends,meta hers & other family

OP posts:
Original poster
RockinHippy · 09/05/2015 15:26

She's nearly a teen, that was meant to say preteen - sorry, don't know why posting is so hard here ATM - DD would usually speak up for herself, but can't with her aunt as even that would be taken as rude - DD knows this from earlier incidents - ie - aunt taking her out to buy her a birthday gift - pulling out a frilly pink top that DD hated & was way too young for her - DD saying thank you, but it's really not my style, git "well your an ungrateful bad mannered one aren't you" DD has refused to go out shopping with her ever since.

TBH, I am still not happy that SIL didn't apologise for her behaviour towards me after DH pulled her up,on it, but I've let it go to a point & I'm not sure if that's clouding my judgement

OP posts:
Original poster
RockinHippy · 09/05/2015 15:27

Thank you for the replies :)

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 15:33

I sympathise, i have a sister who sounds similar to your SIL. She has no DCs and seems to enjoy wielding some sort of power due to her adult status. I am trying to encourage my DCs to be politely firm with her because she can be extremely horrible and i dont think they should accept it just because they are dcs. In your shoes i would support DD and ask that DH gets on board with that. Even if he doesnt, still encourage DD to stand by her convictions and if she was polite and said thank you then that is all she needs to do. I wouldnt allow her to bow and scrape at aunts feet and fall over herself to say thank you a third time just to keep family peace.

DD would usually speak up for herself, but can't with her aunt as even that would be taken as rude

teach DD not to care. Wink it is aunts problem and choice that it would be taken as rude. It isnt DDs.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 15:35

Most people dont like being stood up to, it is sign that their power is diminishing and that isnt what they want- of course they will make the other person out to be wrong.

amybear2 · 09/05/2015 15:42

I think she should have said thank you as she left regardless of whether she had said it earlier.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 15:48

Why do you think 3 thank yous are necessary amybear?

Jengnr · 09/05/2015 15:58

I don't think I'd be visiting again if I was your daughter.

Clutterbugsmum · 09/05/2015 16:09

Perhaps you could sent apologise by text. Writing in capital letters something along the line of

'THANK YOU AGAIN, FOR LETTING DD USE YOUR GARDEN XXX. HOPE YOUR HEARING LOSS CLEARS UP SOON.'

So she is aware that you all know that DD had thanked her more the once already.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 09/05/2015 16:13

I think YABU and are letting past experiences colour this event. I would expect to be thanked at the end. tbh I'd probably have brought a little thank you gift too. Letting your DD film a video in her garden was kind.

I think you're struggling because you have a different pov on how to interact with people. It doesn't make your SIL wrong or right. For example, with the birthday top incident then it would really depend on the conversation round about it. Your DD could have come across as entitled and ungrateful.

I can sympathise because my family and my ILs are completely different in this regard. My family are all obsessively polite to each other . DH's family are much more blunt. Neither is wrong but you can either constantly rub each other up the wrong way; limit the time you all spend together or try to compensate a bit for the fact you both have different ideas about how to interact.

mynewpassion · 09/05/2015 16:22

Seriously sending a 5 second thank you text us faster than moaning about it.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 16:29

Youre totally missing the point mynewpassion

GloGirl · 09/05/2015 17:28

Yabu, maybe she heard a thank you but thought it wasn't sincere enough?

She does owe her Auntie thanks, maybe send a card and a box of chocs

TheOriginalWinkly · 09/05/2015 17:36

Omg seriously, a card and chocolate for using her garden for a couple of hours?? OP your SIL sounds like my aunt a PITA. Best avoided as much as possible.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 17:47

She does owe her Auntie thanks,

She said thank you twice- debt more than repaid. She owes nothing now. If the aunt didnt think it was sincere enough then thats what she should have said at the car. No point being a PA knob because no-one gets what your point it. Much better to be direct.

Topseyt · 09/05/2015 18:08

She has already thanked the aunt twice. Nothing wrong with that, and it is perfectly sufficient IMHO.

Does the aunt think she is royalty or something? I wouldn't be encouraging her to send the text. No need to over-egg the pudding.

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 09/05/2015 18:50

I cant see why being allowed to film in her garden entitles your SIL to multiple thanks, once was enough surely! YANBU

mynewpassion · 09/05/2015 19:45

No I am not. Just not worth moaning and starting a thread about it for a quick 5 second text thanking her again.

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