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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has ruined Hen Do surprise

86 replies

jugglingmonkey · 08/05/2015 16:32

DH completely let the cat out of the bag to my DSis last night. It's a one day activity, and he has given the game away. He tried to cover it up, but it was v obvious, and have had message from BIL to be to say that DSis knows and is a bit upset that the surprise is ruined.

I am fuming, this is classic DH. Over excited, not thinking... He would hit the f@cking roof if someone had done this to him or for a stag do he was planning. But all he said after they left was 'it's an accident and I don't want to feel bad about it'.

  1. AIBU to be livid?
  2. how do we fix? Does DH owe her an apology/extra surprise?
OP posts:
MissDemelzaCarne · 08/05/2015 16:45
  1. YABU
  2. NO.
Sounds like your DSis needs to get a sense of perspective.
SaucyJack · 08/05/2015 16:45

Did he make a genuine mistake, or was he just being an idiot and shooting his mouth off without thinking of the consequences?

The first is fine. The second is not- especially if he has form for being indiscreet. It's a bit crap and he should take responsibility.

KneeQuestion · 08/05/2015 16:45

But if she wanted to know the details she wouldn't have asked us bridesmaids to organise it

Its normal wedding etiquette for bridesmaids/maid of honour to organise hen nights though isn't it? not necessarily about it being a surprise.

Houseworkavoider · 08/05/2015 16:46

How did he ruin the suprise?

AwfulBeryl · 08/05/2015 16:47

Yes I agree Knee, my dp planned a surprise day out for me a while back and my Mum let it slip Grin she was really really Blush, but I didn't say anything. I just played along, it seemed like the right thing to do. It's pointless getting precious about it.

midnightvelvet01 · 08/05/2015 16:49

Yes Waiting forMe I thought the same but thought I would be a bit dramatic by saying it. If the DH had said afterwards 'shit sorry that just came out by mistake' or something similar then I'd happier but the whole bit about not wanting to feel bad about it himself makes me uneasy.

What about your feeling bad OP, does he care about that?!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 08/05/2015 16:49

He should say sorry, but no need for extravagant gestures or extra surprises.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 08/05/2015 16:56

Its interesting though that in the OP the point is made that he would be hitting the roof if it happened to him.....but op is expected by him to just suck it up.... double standards much

nope we would be saying the same about him, just because the OP lets him get away with it doesn't change our opnion

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/05/2015 17:00

Ds3 let the cat out of the bag about the surprise dh was planning for my 40th. I knew we were going away, but not where. He did it entirely innocently, and no way was I going to make him feel bad about it. It might have been fun to have had it as a surprise on the day, but it would have been a few moments of 'Oh Wow' and amazement - and not having that did not spoil the trip at all - I had just as good a time as I would have had if I had been 'surprised'.

It is a bit different, because ds3 was only 7 - but neither he nor the OP's dh gave the surprise away out of malice or deliberately, and that's what matters.

I think the SIL needs to accept that she will still have a wonderful hen weekend, and move on.

MrsTedCrilly · 08/05/2015 17:01

Poor bloke! Yeah maybe just a "sorry to spoil your surprise" but she is being unreasonable to be upset.

whois · 08/05/2015 17:12

I can't help feeling that it's not a big deal. But it would be really lovely of your DH to send a bottle of champagne for your sister or similar to say 'sorry he ruined the surprise' if she is genuinely upset.

Sometimes we don't mean to upset peopl, but we do. And 'I don't want to feel bad' isn't an appropriate response.

AliceLidl · 08/05/2015 17:14

Are they both adults?

He sounds like a bit of a dick really, he's spoilt a surprise, he should apologise.

Not apologising and saying he doesn't want to feel bad about it is the dickish part, especially if he'd throw a sulk or a strop if it had been the other way around.

It makes you wonder if he did it on purpose. In my experience, people who make a habit of speaking before they think usually know exactly what they are saying and the effect it will have.

She's understandably a bit disappointed, but getting your BIL to complain and say she's upset is a bit childish.

Your DH needs to take responsibility and apologise. Your sister needs to accept in good grace. She will still have a lovely time, even though she's not surprised on the day.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 08/05/2015 17:17

For clarity, she doesn't know and wouldn't have wanted BIL to tell me. BIL was enquiring as to whether there might be another small element of surprise on the hen so that at least there's something she doesn't know. He wasn't having a go either.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 08/05/2015 17:23

YABU. These things happen all the time - unless he did it on purpose it sounds like the thing to do is to keep some perspective, laugh about it and have a great day. There will be lots of surprises in the form of lovely things that are said and done throughout the day to make your future memories - as there always are when you're out with the people you like/love.

SirChenjin · 08/05/2015 17:24

Oh - and yes, an apology would be a nice gesture from your DH, as would an acceptance of the apology on her part.

AlternativeTentacles · 08/05/2015 17:34

She isn't 3! My OH unpacked the shopping when I got in and his birthday card was in it. Drama - no. He just put it on the side and will be gracious in the morning.

FFS.

EponasWildDaughter · 08/05/2015 18:24

Really want to know what the surprise was Grin

Duckdeamon · 08/05/2015 18:29

Yabu, so is BIL and it all sounds terribly precious.

VanitasVanitatum · 08/05/2015 18:32

It's a shame for her but making him feel bad about it and her DH texting afterwards is frankly a bit pathetic. He made a mistake. She will have just as much fun and I think you all need to stop ganging up on your poor DH for making a mistake.

VanitasVanitatum · 08/05/2015 18:33

Why does BIL need to 'enquire' as to that?! Eish. Over involved much.

If I were you I would add another surprise anyway but certainly not at DH's expense and I would make sure he didn't feel bad about it.

ferretyfeet · 08/05/2015 18:35

no of course you are not 14,I think 5 would be closer.For goodness get a grip the lot of you I have never heard anything so infantile in all my life( and my life has been a long one),

WipsGlitter · 08/05/2015 18:37

Agree it all sounds a bit over invested. Just get on with it.

RandomMess · 08/05/2015 18:38

TBH the issue seems to be more that op DH is repeat offender of being careless yet would be fuming and ungracious if someone else made the same mistake.

So perhaps it would be more appropriate if DH grew a pair of balls and acknowledged to op exactly what the issue is and apologise properly to op rather than trying to table turn and refusing to acknowledge that he has spoilt a special day for someone else. Doesn't have to big or grovel just a bit of humility goes an awful long was, and better still learning from his mistake.

Perhaps a random bunch of flowers delivered to SIL would be a nice surprise too Wink

GingerFoxInAT0phat · 08/05/2015 18:40

I've done the same thing recently and felt terrible. Luckily she just said oh I didn't know we was doing blah blah I'll pretend I don't know.

It's a mistake, I'm sure she'll still have a great day but it would have been nice for him to say sorry.

specialsubject · 08/05/2015 18:40

perhaps everyone could just grow up? Y'know, like people getting MARRIED should be?

bride could have played along if it was that important. But it isn't.