Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not politics related! AIBU to think this mother having her daughter's baby, is a bit, well odd.

75 replies

Number3cometome · 08/05/2015 13:16

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-32652095

Don't get me wrong, I feel incredibly sad for them, but if the daughter hasn't specified what she wanted doing with her eggs after her death, then this shouldn't be allowed?

OP posts:
VacantExpression · 08/05/2015 13:19

From your title I assumed you meant as a surrogate which I would happily do for my own DD should the need arise.. but in the situation in the story? YANBU.

Original poster
Number3cometome · 08/05/2015 13:21

Vacant I agree, I would do it for any of my siblings or children, but not if they weren't alive.

Surely it brings about all sorts of questions and issues that I would find impossible to deal with.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 08/05/2015 13:24

I assumed it was a surrogate story too, which would have been totally different, but this is all kinds of wrong.

I suspect this is not so much the mother wanting the daughters baby to fulfil her wish of having a child, but the mother wanting her daughter back. At 59 she wont conceive naturally so this is her only way.

Rather than going to court I think she needs to go to therapy to help her deal with losing her daughter and not try to replace her.

theendoftheendoftheend · 08/05/2015 13:24

I think it would be between her, her husband and any subsequent child tbh and not something for anyone outside of that to be concerned about.

Altinkum · 08/05/2015 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/05/2015 13:28

If the daughter had wanted her eggs to be used in this way a reasonable person would think there would be paperwork to say this. This is a woman who had the wit to have eggs removed and stored after her cancer diagnosis so would presumably have the wit to give consent for her mother to carry a baby after her death.

It's mawkish.

Poor woman must be beside herself with grief to try to have her daughter's embryos to conceive :(

Koalafications · 08/05/2015 13:29

Agree with Bogeyface

eurochick · 08/05/2015 13:30

Altinkum can you explain what you mean? The eggs are the daughter's so they have no greater chance of carrying birth defects than if the daughter had been able to use them herself.

Bogeyface · 08/05/2015 13:31

I think it would be between her, her husband and any subsequent child tbh and not something for anyone outside of that to be concerned about.

Really?! What about how any future child would feel about the circumstances of its birth? Knowing that granny and grandad purposely brought them into the world with its mother dead? Tragedies happen where babies are born and will have to live without their mother due to accidents, birth injuries etc but to conceive a child when its mother is long dead and buried is not only morally and ethically wrong, but so damaging to the possible child that I cant quite get my head around why anyone would think it was ok!

MrsBojingles · 08/05/2015 13:32

That's nuts, and very weird.

FryOneFatManic · 08/05/2015 13:32

I agree with Bogeyface and in this situation I can't see any good coming of it.

shewept · 08/05/2015 13:33

Yanbu. I feel so sorry for her, I think she is acting out of grief and I really don't think she should be doing this. But that is simply my opinion.

Its is indeed our business, because it could change the way egg storage is regulated.

Bogeyface · 08/05/2015 13:33

And I call them "granny and grandad" but I suspect they would be "mummy and daddy" in reality.

And would they even tell the child that he/she is actually their grandaughter? Or would they gloss over that with a vague "Oh we used donor eggs". I dont trust their motives now, so I dont see why any future behaviour can be assumed.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/05/2015 13:41

My concern isn't so much for the child - plenty of families don't conform to the biological norm due to adoption, surrogacy, sperm donation and other reasons and they are no more likely to have issues than anyone else if they are raised with love and care.

My issue is that the eggs were the daughter's and there is no evidence she has consented to this; decisions about how the eggs should be used should only be made by the person who they belong to and that's not the late woman's mother.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/05/2015 13:42

Or even are the daughter's.

What if the daughter did not want this?

Fairygodfucker · 08/05/2015 13:45

I know this family Sad

We are doing all that we can to help her with her grief.
Everytime this comes up on mumsnet it makes me miss her so much more. Sad

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 08/05/2015 13:45

I can't see that this is being done with any real consideration for the child / children who will result, desperately sad though the situation is Sad

Original poster
Number3cometome · 08/05/2015 13:45

Moving

Hit the nail on the head there - she very may well not have not wanted this at all!

OP posts:
Original poster
Number3cometome · 08/05/2015 13:47

Fairy I am so sorry to hear that, it must be absolutely awful and I hope you haven't taken any offence to this post. We obviously don't know the family, but it seems quite clear the Mum does need lots of support. It must be heartbreaking for her.

OP posts:
butterflyballs · 08/05/2015 13:48

So sorry fairy, this must be hard for you.

shewept · 08/05/2015 13:54

I am so sorry fairy. It is an awful situation.

theendoftheendoftheend · 08/05/2015 13:55

Urr Bogey that's what I said! It would be between them and the child, who are you to say that the child would have any regret about its existence, how can you possibly try and put yourself in the position of someone who knows the answer to that. Its not your family, you don't know or love them, so really what's it to you?!
There is no evidence that the daughter either did or did not wish for this to happen, how can any of us possibly claim to know what she wanted? Its the kind of situation where the people involved neither require nor deserve the general publics judgement.

Original poster
Number3cometome · 08/05/2015 13:57

theendoftheendoftheend

Well it does if it changes legislation for the future.

OP posts:
AliceLidl · 08/05/2015 13:57

As the daughter left no instructions in place, I'd be against this happening in case it's not what the daughter wanted.

She had her eggs frozen so that at some point in the future, she could try with a partner for a biological child of her own.

That's a very different idea to what the mother is trying to make happen now.

I'm glad I'm not the person who has to make a judgement on this. It must be very difficult and upsetting for everyone involved, but on the little information available to us my personal feeling is that it would be the wrong thing to do.

GoGiYerHeedAWobble · 08/05/2015 14:02

I feel so sorry for this mother.

I can 100% understand where she is coming from, when you lose a child you cling on to anything that will make you feel closer to them however small.

Also fighting this in court will be making her feel as though she is actively doing something for her daughter. I get that too.

Grief, and especially the grief that comes with losing a child is so all consuming, you can't think straight at all.

I hope she gets all the help and support she needs.