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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to friend's birthday weekend away?

64 replies

OpalFruitsNotStarburst · 08/05/2015 13:12

It is my friend's 40th birthday next weekend. A group of us are going to London overnight, seeing a show, having a meal etc. I know my friend through our DCs school.

Friend has told me today though that she has invited another woman, I'll call her Anna. Anna has spent the past three years being unpleasant to me, I would even go as far as saying she has been trying to bully me.

DD is friends with Anna's DD and Anna (who is very bossy and self important) wanted me to do her more and more favours regarding her DD such as take her to school, have her overnight etc. When I eventually said no to her as she wanted me to take her DD every week to an activity that my DD didn't even attend Anna went batshit crazy at me, called me all names under the sun and told me not to talk to her ever again.

She has now spent the past few years bitching about me to anyone that will listen, calling me names, talking about me loudly within my earshot, complaining to the school about my DD when my DD has done nothing wrong, and trying to alienate my DD from their friendship group at school.

Anna is not the sort of person who could just go on a weekend away with someone she doesn't like (ie, me) and ignore them and just be civil and polite, she will have to cause a scene and I know she will be thoroughly unpleasant to me and make the weekend horrible.

So, I have told my friend (who knows about Anna's behaviour) that I will not be going now, and she has gone off on one too saying I need to be adult about it and just ignore Anna. But tbh I think I am being adult about it; I'm avoiding someone who will make my weekend a misery and cause a horrible atmosphere for everyone else! Anna is so loud and headstrong that none of the others will dare mess with her or tell her to stop her behaviour. It'll just be vile for me and tbh I'd rather be at home with DH and the kids!

AIBU not to go?

OP posts:
neolara · 08/05/2015 13:14

Sounds utterly sensible not to go. Your friend is being nuts too. Sorry. Sounds rubbish.

QueenofallIsee · 08/05/2015 13:15

Errm hell no you are not being unreasonable! Why the feck would anyone in their right mind put themselves through that! Weekends away are supposed to be fun and as an adult, I don't have to prove anything to anyone and neither do you!

And if this woman has been so vile to you, the person who invited her is no friend of yours, sorry

AuntyMag10 · 08/05/2015 13:16

Yanbu, it's sounds like a weekend of misery for you. So your friend knows this woman has been awful to you and tells you to suck it up, sorry she's no friend of yours either. You will be better off without them.

SoldierBear · 08/05/2015 13:16

Yanbu.
Stay well away.
Your friend is being an arse, btw.

Original poster
OpalFruitsNotStarburst · 08/05/2015 13:17

Feeling like my friend really isn't much of a friend

OP posts:
popalot · 08/05/2015 13:18

Don't go. Why would your friend invite her?! Is she mad?!

CrapBag · 08/05/2015 13:19

Yanbu. Your friend should never have put you in this position by inviting Anna. Why is anyone friends with this utter bullying cow!

5Foot5 · 08/05/2015 13:19

I think in your shoes I would be tempted to do something very similar. Trouble is that by avoiding her like this, changing plans because of her, even allowing her to alienate your other friends then you are the one losing out.

Could you not, just possibly, go with the intentiaon of enjoying the weekend and the minute she steps out of line with you say very forcefully and publicly "Just fuck off Anna I have had enough shit fro you so don't even thinkof starting anything" Or words to that effect?

Maybe she will be so shocked you stood up to her she will back down.
Maybe the others in the group will be secretly pleased someone is standing up to her.

If your irthday friends objects you can always point out quite reasonably that she was the one insisted on having Anna along when she knew what she was like.

lemonyone · 08/05/2015 13:20

Didn't your friend know how you feel about Anna?
There is no way I'd invite two people who hate each other to an event.

It sounds like your relationship with Anna is unsalvageable. I would not go.

AndHarry · 08/05/2015 13:25

YANBU. Your friend also needs to do some thinking: there's no option to 'stay out of it' in situations like this.

AdeleDazeem · 08/05/2015 13:28

You weren't even BU at the stage when you were deciding to not go. The fact that your birthday girl friend has chewed you out makes it even less U.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 08/05/2015 13:29

Sounds like Anna invited herself and your friend couldn't say no.

MaraThonbar · 08/05/2015 13:37

Honestly, I'd go and give Anna enough rope to hang herself. If is stupid enough to go off at you in front of the whole group while you remain calm, they will presumably be horrified by her behaviour. If you don't go, not only do you miss out on the fun but you give Anna licence to poison birthday friend against you while they are away.

MaraThonbar · 08/05/2015 13:38

Sorry, if SHE is stupid enough

pluCaChange · 08/05/2015 13:45

It sounds as though the only one not suffering Anna this weekend will be you - good result!

Nanny0gg · 08/05/2015 18:09

I think Friend is panicking that she will be on the receiving end of Anna's bile if you're not there...

pluCaChange · 08/05/2015 18:13

Good point, Nanny0gg! Now, who wants to be that lightning conductor...

Justusemyname · 08/05/2015 18:16

Tough. She has invited her. Should have thought of that. Wanting you there to be the bully's target so she can have a nice weekend means she definitely isn't mature enough to be your friend.

Dublinlass · 08/05/2015 18:17

Not a hope in hell that I would go.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/05/2015 18:19

I know an Anna.

Everyone hates her/has a problem with her. She blatantly shows up to stuff she's not invited to. Her kids are horrible.

Nobody ever stands up to her. Ever.

I did. Now we don't speak. I don't get invited to stuff by her clique. It's been blissful.

You should hear what her friends say about her. I wouldn't want to be a friend of theirs anyway!

Your friend sounds like her friends!

MrsTedCrilly · 08/05/2015 18:46

YANBU! Save yourself the stress, do something else lovely that day. Leave her to ruin their days instead! Vile woman.

ExcuseTheTypos · 08/05/2015 19:05

Have you booked accomodation and show tickets etc?

hidingfromthem · 08/05/2015 19:09

don't go AND ditch both of these nutbars. job done.

AmateurSeamstress · 08/05/2015 19:12

Mara's point about giving her enough rope to hang herself appeals. Can she really be so awful to your face, in front of friends, for a whole weekend? If so, long term it could really help you.

However YANBU and I think you are doing a nice thing for your birthday friend too. This way she can have a nice weekend knowing it won't be poisoned by stuff that is not her problem.

ImperialBlether · 08/05/2015 19:14

Anna sounds absolutely unhinged but your other friend is no friend of yours. How dare she invite someone along on a weekend like this when she knows how she's behaved with you?

You need to be quite open with the other women and explain you had been looking forward to it but due to Anna's attendance you simply won't go.