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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to friend's birthday weekend away?

64 replies

OpalFruitsNotStarburst · 08/05/2015 13:12

It is my friend's 40th birthday next weekend. A group of us are going to London overnight, seeing a show, having a meal etc. I know my friend through our DCs school.

Friend has told me today though that she has invited another woman, I'll call her Anna. Anna has spent the past three years being unpleasant to me, I would even go as far as saying she has been trying to bully me.

DD is friends with Anna's DD and Anna (who is very bossy and self important) wanted me to do her more and more favours regarding her DD such as take her to school, have her overnight etc. When I eventually said no to her as she wanted me to take her DD every week to an activity that my DD didn't even attend Anna went batshit crazy at me, called me all names under the sun and told me not to talk to her ever again.

She has now spent the past few years bitching about me to anyone that will listen, calling me names, talking about me loudly within my earshot, complaining to the school about my DD when my DD has done nothing wrong, and trying to alienate my DD from their friendship group at school.

Anna is not the sort of person who could just go on a weekend away with someone she doesn't like (ie, me) and ignore them and just be civil and polite, she will have to cause a scene and I know she will be thoroughly unpleasant to me and make the weekend horrible.

So, I have told my friend (who knows about Anna's behaviour) that I will not be going now, and she has gone off on one too saying I need to be adult about it and just ignore Anna. But tbh I think I am being adult about it; I'm avoiding someone who will make my weekend a misery and cause a horrible atmosphere for everyone else! Anna is so loud and headstrong that none of the others will dare mess with her or tell her to stop her behaviour. It'll just be vile for me and tbh I'd rather be at home with DH and the kids!

AIBU not to go?

OP posts:
BowiesJumper · 08/05/2015 19:18

I would go but I'm quite bolshy so would allow this woman to show herself to all as unpleasant and then take her down in a subtle way (whilst maintaining the moral high ground and not 'spoiling' my friend's birthday).

If you don't want to go, don't!

kissmethere · 08/05/2015 19:25

sorry I would go, but that's me. I think your friend should be speaking to Anna about behaving. Has she done so?
But then again you don't want a scene at your friends birthday. Why did she invite her???

MerdeAlor · 08/05/2015 19:32

Who will lose out financially if you do cancel?

Often with shows, hotels etc someone has organised and paid in advance...

Original poster
OpalFruitsNotStarburst · 08/05/2015 19:36

I will lose out financially; I've paid for all my stuff in full.

OP posts:
MerdeAlor · 08/05/2015 19:38

It should be a guilt free decision then, without anyone else in the group having a say.

You may lose your friendship with the birthday girl but tbh she doesn't sound exactly empathetic anyway.

sunbathe · 08/05/2015 19:47

Can you salvage any of the weekend expense? Change show or seat, change room/upgrade to family room? Change hotel if it's in a chain?

beezlebop · 09/05/2015 10:09

Why is there always an Anna? My mil is the Anna and since I started standing up to her life has improved considerably. I would go and allow her to dig her own hole!

Starlightbright1 · 09/05/2015 10:15

sell your room . ticket to Anna !!!

No I wouldn't go. Hopefully a weekend with Anna they will all see the real her

KERALA1 · 09/05/2015 10:22

I would go and fight back smart ie be nice and adult and let everyone see how badly she behaves. Otherwise you will find yourself edged out by her and anna will become Wendy!

Marynary · 09/05/2015 10:25

YANBU. Your friend is being quite manipulative to try and guilt you into going and she is wrong to suggest that you are immature to not want to go because you want to avoid conflict and aggravation. The opposite is true.

Original poster
OpalFruitsNotStarburst · 09/05/2015 10:30

Much as I would love to still go and let her trip herself up, she is the kind of person that is an utter bully and she won't back down. I know she will do things such as come over to who I'm talking to, position herself between me and them with her back to me, and engage them in conversation. She will also make lots of digs and nasty comments, glare at me to try to intimidate me, and just generally try to make sure I'm excluded and laughed at. These are all things that she does on a regular basis.

I'm not brilliant at confrontation, but she makes me so cross I know I would end up telling her to fuck off and I'd be the bad guy.

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 09/05/2015 10:33

YY, I would go (sometimes my idea of entertainment is watching someone do their worst while being very polite and professional. They'll try to goad you into losing your rag but just stay neutral and hopefully they'll combust. Even better if they have an audience)

If she says anything - are the group you're going with other school mums? Does she bad mouth you in the playground? She might not have an audience at the weekend away.
Don't forget, if the other people are your friends too, they'll know you.

And if she does say anything , you can reply "Well, it's odd you think that seeing as you were more than happy for me to ferry your DD around and put her up overnight. Bit weird that you'd palm her off to someone you don't like when it suited you "

Or just tell her to feck off, whatevers quicker Grin

LondonLady29 · 09/05/2015 10:50

I feel sad for you that you will miss out on potentially nice weekend with your friends because of a bully. That's not fair. I'd hazard a guess that Anna will be sweetness and light in front of everyone to prove a point. If she is you can ignore her and just be civil and if she is awful and horrible to you then she is showing her true colours to everyone else there. If she does that, then say to your birthday friend "You can see my problem and if you were a loyal friend you wouldn't stand by and watch this go on you would tell Anna to leave."

applesareredandgreen · 09/05/2015 10:56

YANBU. At least you have been honest with your friend. I would probably have just pulled out ' sick' but then I'm none confrontational to the point of being a coward Sad

FruChristerOla · 09/05/2015 11:18

Anna sounds a bit like 'a Wendy' to me and the weekend away has provided her with the perfect opportunity. I agree with FiveGoMad who said she bet Anna invited herself and birthday friend couldn't say no. Whilst birthday friend knows of your problems with Anna, she is probably a little in thrall to her too - because that's how 'Wendies' operate.

I wouldn't go either, if I were in your position.

Grapejuicerocks · 09/05/2015 11:20

Can you go with the proviso that you will come straight home if she is allowed to get away with bad behaviour?

You friend may have reacted as she did through disappointment. Knowing that you will go home may make her realise that she needs to stand up to her, and will encourage others to do the same.

Don't go if you feel you won't be able to maintain a dignified calm though. You need to be assertive but not aggressive. Easier said than done, I know.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 09/05/2015 11:29

How far is it? Could you just go to the show/evening and not stay? It would be a lot easier to stay pleasant if you're all busy/assigned seating etc.

MooCowsEyelashes · 09/05/2015 11:32

Don't go, there's enough putting up with bullying one upmanship in the school yard. In my opinion, once you leave school, you should never have to put up with that sort of shit again.

If you go, you'll spend the weekend on edge, waiting for her to have a dig at you, or seething when she does so.

Life's too short. Do what makes you happy. Apologise to your friend, tell her that you would have loved to come but Anna's behaviour would make it too unpleasant. Then walk away.

DancingHat · 09/05/2015 14:09

Sometimes the adult thing to do is to walk away and not put yourself in a position where there will be confrontation. So it's unfair of your friend to judge you for doing something selfless which will make the weekend more pleasant for her as there won't be an atmosphere between you and Anna. It's a huge shame you miss out on both your friend's company and financially but not engaging with someone who has been so horrid is a positive thing for you.

NynaevesSister · 09/05/2015 14:16

I don't think you are being unreasonable and surely your friend must realise how much this will affect you given you're losing so much money.

Am I the only person who does this though? When someone walks in front of me like that when I am talking to someone I either continue talking loudly or I say in a loud, but calm and firm voice, would you mind moving, X and I are talking. I will also tap them on the shoulder at the same time.

sonjadog · 09/05/2015 14:37

I would definitely go. I wouldn't let her win by bullying me out of my weekend away with my friends.

Bullies are insecure. She is making these comments because they make her feel better about herself. I would find what her weak points are and start playing on them every time she starts on you. Also try smiling and laughing a little to yourself when she is being bullying. Bullied hate not being taken seriously.

GloGirl · 09/05/2015 14:43

I wouldn't go. I've better things to do with my weekend than spend it in the company of a bitch. An evening out is different, but a whole weekend! My time is too precious.

Stripyhoglets · 09/05/2015 14:45

What I would have done is carried on as if I was going then get really bad D and V on the morning and cancel last minute. Because I am a coward.
In the situation you are now in, I would go, ignore Anna and then distance myself from the whole lot in the future so you don't end up in the same situation again.

Taytocrisps · 09/05/2015 14:57

YANBU. Sounds like a weekend from hell.

I'm surprised your friend reacted so strongly. I presume she knew that you and Anna don't get along? I've encountered a few Annas in my time and they thrive on drama and conflict. I've no doubt there would be an encounter of some kind and then she would try to blame you. Far better away from it all. If you're not there, she'll probably pick a fight with someone else and show her true colours.

Arrange something else with your friend if you can afford it.

LittleIda · 09/05/2015 15:02

I wouldn't go. Birthday mum chose to invite Anna knowing has she has treated you and your dd, so has caused the situation. If you lose birthday mum as a friend then so be it. Going along and standing up to her wouldn't work for me as it would upset me and I'd just have a shit weekend.