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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to friend's birthday weekend away?

64 replies

OpalFruitsNotStarburst · 08/05/2015 13:12

It is my friend's 40th birthday next weekend. A group of us are going to London overnight, seeing a show, having a meal etc. I know my friend through our DCs school.

Friend has told me today though that she has invited another woman, I'll call her Anna. Anna has spent the past three years being unpleasant to me, I would even go as far as saying she has been trying to bully me.

DD is friends with Anna's DD and Anna (who is very bossy and self important) wanted me to do her more and more favours regarding her DD such as take her to school, have her overnight etc. When I eventually said no to her as she wanted me to take her DD every week to an activity that my DD didn't even attend Anna went batshit crazy at me, called me all names under the sun and told me not to talk to her ever again.

She has now spent the past few years bitching about me to anyone that will listen, calling me names, talking about me loudly within my earshot, complaining to the school about my DD when my DD has done nothing wrong, and trying to alienate my DD from their friendship group at school.

Anna is not the sort of person who could just go on a weekend away with someone she doesn't like (ie, me) and ignore them and just be civil and polite, she will have to cause a scene and I know she will be thoroughly unpleasant to me and make the weekend horrible.

So, I have told my friend (who knows about Anna's behaviour) that I will not be going now, and she has gone off on one too saying I need to be adult about it and just ignore Anna. But tbh I think I am being adult about it; I'm avoiding someone who will make my weekend a misery and cause a horrible atmosphere for everyone else! Anna is so loud and headstrong that none of the others will dare mess with her or tell her to stop her behaviour. It'll just be vile for me and tbh I'd rather be at home with DH and the kids!

AIBU not to go?

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 09/05/2015 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FruChristerOla · 09/05/2015 15:22

"I wouldn't go. I've better things to do with my weekend than spend it in the company of a bitch. An evening out is different, but a whole weekend! My time is too precious."

I totally agree, GloGirl. There's a huge difference between tolerating an evening out with someone you don't get on with, or expecting you to put up with a weekend away with the same person.

I've turned down all the 'girls weekends' in our group because of one person.

Andylion · 09/05/2015 15:29

I know she will do things such as come over to who I'm talking to, position herself between me and them with her back to me, and engage them in conversation. She will also make lots of digs and nasty comments, glare at me to try to intimidate me, and just generally try to make sure I'm excluded and laughed at. These are all things that she does on a regular basis.
OP, does no-one else ever call her on this behaviour, i.e, "when she interrupts a conversation and turns her back to you, does the other person not say, "Oh, I was talking to OpalFruits". Do the others actually allow her to exclude you and laugh at you? If so, I'm afraid the damage has been done. I wouldn't go and who cares what your friend the birthday girl thinks.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/05/2015 15:33

Fuck that shit. People are such cowards sometimes.

Your friends are cowards if they dont stand up to her. Bullies thrive on the fact that no one will stand up to them.

FruChristerOla · 09/05/2015 15:45

I said it upthread, and I'll say it again. 'Anna' sounds as though she's a 'Wendy'. 'Anna' is 'Wendying' Opal, using Opal's good friend who appears to be in thrall to her.

Probably Opal is better off walking away at the moment. Sadly she will lose some friends now .... until 'the Anna/Wendy' oversteps the mark with the others ..... at which point they might realise the issue.

Whether Opal chooses to rekindle the friendship/s is up to her.

ibitemythumbatyou · 09/05/2015 15:54

See I think it's hard to say if you are being unreasonable or not.

We (obviously) never get the other persons side. All we hear is really negative things about one person. We never hear about what the OP has done. Not saying you're a horrible person OP.

Are all your friends really that naive or push overs that they can't see someone for being a horrible person? Why would they put up with her? If she bitches about you constantly why would they put up with that if they knew it to be untrue?

I'm not sure if you're similar ages but if you are then I'm guessing the majority of you are around 40. Surely you wouldn't just be putting up with people being horrible for the sake of it at 40?

40 isn't old but surely you're at a point where you've cut negative people out and generally surround yourself with genuine friends and you know what sort of people you want to associate yourself with? (Hence why we have less friends the older we get)

I don't know. You could be spiting yourself here by missing out on what could be a fun weekend. I just went out a hen do with someone I really dislike but I did it for my friend and I did end up having a good time regardless of her being there.

Branleuse · 09/05/2015 16:01

tell your friend that considering she knew Exactly how anna has been with you and the history there, that the only possible reasons to her now being invited could be that she didnt give a fuck about you enjoying the weekend too, or that she actively wanted you to pull out, but that there isnt a way in hell that you will be spending a weekend with that woman, and bring 'adult' you know what you will and will not tolerate.
Then wish her well and a happy birthday and a "see ya"

Branleuse · 09/05/2015 16:03

*being adult

Clutterbugsmum · 09/05/2015 16:12

Tell your friend you are being the adult and choosing not to spend your precious time with a bitch.

blushingbooty · 09/05/2015 17:04

Both your friend and Anna sound like penises. Did you ask your friend why she invited someone who bullied and bad mouthed you?

NynaevesSister · 11/05/2015 16:15

Any update OP? Hoping your friend has come down on your side.

kiwimumof2boys · 12/05/2015 10:47

Yeah any update?

100sanemum · 12/05/2015 10:56

Reading the post remindes me of being in school. You do need to be a bit more adult to be honest.

The fact that her friend knows both and has invited Anna strongly suggests there is another side.

mojo17 · 12/05/2015 11:19

Well you have two choices
1 not to go and ask for compensation
2 ask your friend to stick up for you as she has creAted the situation
It is hard and only you know the real feelings between all parties
If you could lay it all on the line to your friends how this woman operates and ask them to help you and be aware of her behaviour would they help?
As it wasn't you who created this scenario it's only fair the birthday girl helps you out.
It could be that she has bulldozed her way into this weekend so push it back on the host and ask her which is the best option

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