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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think man on tube was a definite perv?

77 replies

cakedup · 07/05/2015 23:43

Sorry, FB related, I rarely post on FB myself but a friend updated her status to say she was standing on an overcrowded train with everyone pressed up against each other. She then realised the man behind her had an erection, so she turned around to double check this was the case, and he laughed, apologised and patted her on the back.

She gets all the usual "Ew grim" replies from her girl friends, and one of them suggests she phones British Transport Police. A male friend then comes on to say that he agrees it was grim, but that the man probably couldn't help it.

This is what I think; that unless we are talking about a 15 year old prone to reflex boners then I don't really buy the accidental boner thing and that he probably knew exactly what he was doing. In any case, if it was accidental, then you'd something about it - put your coat in the way or think of your dead dog or whatever. No matter how packed it is you'd find a way to move and you certainly wouldn't laugh about it.

Bloke comes back on to tell me that I am 'misguided', that it's not something you can turn on or off like a tap. He does agree that the way the guy dealt with it was creepy though. But that he can't be blamed for being sexually aroused.

He got my back up because I still felt like he was being a perv-apologist whereas he just thinks I don't understand the science of boners because I don't have a penis.

AIBU?

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 08/05/2015 18:17

Sometimes you don't do what you think you'd do Stillyummy.

But hats off to you if you had the perspicacity to do that.

I'd put myself down as very assertive and so would others who know me. Aggressive, even.

Yet on the few occasions that I've been physically threatened I was completely passive.

I was shocked and wanted to get away.

I not only found it unhelpful that people said: 'I would have' or 'you should have', those crass statements made me as angry at the person making the stupid comment as the original offender.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 08/05/2015 18:22

This one simple benchmark should inform: "would he have done this erection-thrusting into a big, hairy rugby player?" And then patted him on the back and laughed? Would he have fucking dared do that to a man who could kick the shit out of him?...

If the answer to this (or any other similar question) is No, then he's a sexual harasser.

Really, it is that simple.

Original poster
cakedup · 08/05/2015 18:22

Same here limitedperiodonly, I think it's the shock, and because it's so grim you can't quite believe it. It takes a while to sink in...by which time the perv has got away with it. We don't want it to be true, and of course a lot of the time it's sneakily done so you don't just want to shout at a stranger unless you're completely sure.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 08/05/2015 18:22

Momagain1 You are right and I apologise. Obviously the sooner the better but as you say, it may not be too late to be useful. I'm certainly not agreeing with FB guy. This bloke in the carriage could have moved a few degrees either way.

Original poster
cakedup · 08/05/2015 18:31

Argh PreemptiveSalvageEngineer I wish I'd used the benchmark argument when I said my bit on FB.

OP posts:
rubybleu · 08/05/2015 18:40

I catch peak hour tubes daily and it would be a very unusual situation that you couldn't make a small adjustment to stop poking someone with your erection!!! They're not THAT crammed.

Less offensively but still the same thought process - I hate it when guys will sit on the tube with their legs spread wide touching your thigh if you're a female, but definitely snap that knee away if a man sits beside them.

Gabilan · 08/05/2015 18:43

Perv. And the other man's an apologist. The pat on the back proves the problem. Someone might get an erection involuntarily and they might at a stretch, not be able to move. But to pat someone on the back - no, that's a deliberately, patronising move that signals "I am belittling what you think so that you think you're in the wrong". See Everyday Sexism for so many, many examples.

Chippednailvarnish · 08/05/2015 18:51

I hate it when guys will sit on the tube with their legs spread wide touching your thigh if you're a female, but definitely snap that knee away if a man sits beside them

We call that Manspread in my office.
The generally agreed protocol with me and my colleagues is to travel with a large hard edged handbag that unfortunately digs into the passenger who wants to attempt Manspread.

Sneaky pervs get the "accidental" sharp high heel in the foot. However we are a group of confident women who have unfortunately seen it all before and travel prepared for trouble, in a way younger women probably wouldn't. harks back to the day she punched a mugger on the tube in the face

SandBarIsland · 08/05/2015 19:04

Seagulling does that result in a form of Bill Clinton's Custard ?

squoosh · 08/05/2015 19:17

Bill Clinton's custard! Shock Envy Envy Envy

Momagain1 · 08/05/2015 21:22

No worries, Andrew the bloke could have moved, yes. Or trotted out a very standard 'so sorry, please excuse me' without the pat and chuckle. The odd response marks him out as either too embarrassed to behave properly, (Which is just about believable) or a really practised pervert that reporting will soon flag up for potential police attention.

Premptive i am stealing that. It is perfect.

blueshoes · 08/05/2015 22:32

I have been some pretty packed trains in rush hour and I have never had women press their boobs against me before. I fail to see how men cannot avoid pressing their erection against their fellow passengers.

SandBarIsland · 08/05/2015 23:04

Oh no...... not another General Erection thread

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 09/05/2015 16:32

Grin at General Erection. However, given the pointedness of it, probably not so general. Snarf! Probably not Major either.

Definitely his Privates, though...

cozietoesie · 09/05/2015 17:04

Out of interest, how many of your have experienced genuine sexual feelings on the Tube? I've used it a lot (and had boners pressed into me) but I'm usually fed up, wanting to get home and/or worrying about 'that suitcase' down the carriage a little - the guy next to me is the last thing on my mind.

You all talk about this as if boners might be a commonplace that men can't help when they see someone good looking of the opposite sex - which, not being a man, I don't know about for certain. If that's true, it's more than a little disconcerting.

limitedperiodonly · 09/05/2015 17:28

I would ask DH about the frequency of uncontrollable erections but he's on his way to the airport for a business trip and I don't want to cause an embarrassing incident on the Gatwick Express.

And I hope there are only male attendants on the plane. He'll never get the tray table to stay down otherwise.

limitedperiodonly · 09/05/2015 17:31

"would he have done this erection-thrusting into a big, hairy rugby player?" And then patted him on the back and laughed? Would he have fucking dared do that to a man who could kick the shit out of him?...

Dead right preemptive

Momagain1 · 09/05/2015 19:32

Cozie i think, as we are mostly women, we are actually expressing disbelief at men who try to imply that unexpected boners are a regular problem.

Unexpected boners are relatively rare, according to decent men. And the normal coping strategy is anything he can think of to keep it from being noticed. Pervs who get off on bumping women trapped against them by circumstance arent suffering from an unexpected boner. They are indulging in situation they know will arouse them. Which is entirely different and now it is becoming a subject women talk about, it seems it maybe not as rare as we like to think. As in: there are more pervs than we want to think there are.

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 09/05/2015 19:44

As others have said, I travel on peak time trains (and even officially the UK's busiest train!) and its never that full. Moreover, the most cramped area always seems to be shoulder height. Definitely not accidental.

I've also been guilty of ignoring those who are too close to me though. Had one guy who just kept pushing against me regardless of how I moved but kept quiet as I wasn't sure of how he might react, even on a busy train. Still wish I'd said something to this day.

Original poster
cakedup · 09/05/2015 23:19

Exactly Momagain1 - I don't ever remember any of my close male friends or ex dps ever having the problem of an accidental boner. This guy on FB was trying to say that maybe he is aroused by trains or something, in which case perhaps he should think about getting the bus? But FB guy tells me that "It's not sexual arousal that's the problem" and that "telling other people what they should and shouldn't be aroused by is very tricky territory" ( [hmm I didn't], it's how the guy dealt with the situation that was wrong.

But I think it's the way the guy dealt with the situation that says to me that he was an intentional perv.

OP posts:
opheliaria · 09/05/2015 23:32

I was on a train once with a guy opposite masturbating under his laptop. Yuk.

chubbleigh · 09/05/2015 23:51

Tube is a perverts paradise, I have to say this must have happened to me in one way or another going on a hundred times or more, and I am NOT exaggerating. Going all the way from the breathing down the neck, leaning into you, crotch in the face, knuckles across the arse, tit staring, brushing past tits, umbrella up the arse, comments, one man pushing another into you, rubbing themselves, being followed and once an actual sexual assault on a train so packed a couldn't even turn my head,made worse by fact I had a child with me who noticed and tried to do something. Worst of all was 2-3 and 5-6 when any of the major football club were playing. I would actually avoid the tube at those time, I used to look to see if Arsenal or Tottenham were playing at home and plan journey accordingly. But it could happen anytime with any kind of man, skanky to suited and booted, young or old. Never reported any of it. No point at the time, got used to it. Reporting mechanism is an advance but what actually happens after reporting?

cozietoesie · 09/05/2015 23:56

Fix them with The Eye - and if that doesn't work (it does for me) say loudly 'Help gentlemen - this man is behaving inappropriately'. They'll be falling over each other to prove how worthy they are.

Plomino · 10/05/2015 00:02

What happens after reporting is CCTV gets pulled , both off the tube and the ticket halls for the stations on that line . Then the Oystercard transactions get investigated if the suspect is sighted on CCTV going through the barriers . It's an offence and something that is horribly common . It has been known as 'bustle punching ' and it's vile .

Gabilan · 10/05/2015 08:23

Cakedup - sounds like the guy on FB does the same thing and is just starting to realise how vile it is.

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