to ask for your help on how to think about this?

[swooneramamama]

dh has two domestic responsibilities. to drop ds at school and to load the dishwasher at the end of the day. I do everything else and I don't mind as on Mat leave. however, if we have an argument he refuses to do either. I've got a 4 month old so these two things make a big difference. Would this type of behaviour be considered abusive do you think or am I taking it too far?

I think he is showing he is a crap Dad and puts his own petty feelings above everyone's basic needs, he is incredibly childish. I would tell him he can go back to his mother and return if/when he's grown up - if you feel like having him back. Next step I guess is he calls you nagging and hysterical when his pitiful rejection of his responsibilities makes you annoyed and upset. Total inability to take responsibility for himself I expect. Frightened (of real life), coward.

Ugh.

Unless of course you are completely vile to him all the time, and this is the last feeble protest he feels he can make? However, that doesn't sound very likely, I expect you're too busy.

At least you know there wouldn't be any more to do as a single mum as you already are one.

I think it is abusive. It's a power game, and you are "punished". That isn't a healthy SUPPORTIVE relationship.

Hope you're okay and can escape OP.

I think it's abusive.

I think he is abusive. He ignores you for days on end and refuses to contribute to bringing up his child (taking him to school, cleaning up his dishes). That's not normal, healthy behaviour.

I honestly think you should take steps to leave him, OP. Go to the CAB and find out your rights, what benefits you'd be entitled to and get the ball rolling to split up with him. This isn't a healthy relationship and it's not a healthy thing for your children to see either.

If it's not actually abusive - I'm undecided - then it's certainly a precursor to abusive behaviour. He has the capacity to think in this way so what's to say it won't escalate when you piss him off about something else? I couldn't live like this - he needs to know you brought the child into the world together and if he thinks it's ok to use that child to punish you then that makes him a Grade A 1st in Class Best of Show Arse-faced Arsehole.
Good luck sorting this out - because you really must - and if you can't bring about a different way of thinking for him then decamp. You could hardly be worse off on your own.

Very controlling and manipulative.

I wouldn't be with him. I would also not cook for him, not wash his clothes, only do what you have to do for you and the children. Fuck him and his wankerish behaviour.

Can you go to the council and see what they say (don't just accept it though), call Shelter and the CAB. I really think you need to get yourself away from this prick.

Do you really need him? It sounds like you deal with absolutely everything, plus his wankerish behaviour. Could you move in with family for a while?