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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for your help on how to think about this?

83 replies

swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 10:20

dh has two domestic responsibilities. to drop ds at school and to load the dishwasher at the end of the day. I do everything else and I don't mind as on Mat leave. however, if we have an argument he refuses to do either. I've got a 4 month old so these two things make a big difference. Would this type of behaviour be considered abusive do you think or am I taking it too far?

OP posts:
MrsNextDoor · 07/05/2015 10:40

What are you going to do about it OP? You must do something to let him know it's not going to happen any more.

Original poster
swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 10:40

thanks cali. Yes totally refuses. And has taken on more project work for no pay so works 4 hours a day of every weekend. Just at th end of my tether

OP posts:
rebelfor · 07/05/2015 10:40

Putting his fingers in his ears? Confused

How old is he?!

Rudawakening · 07/05/2015 10:41

Just leave the dishes, let them pile up. At the minute he knows he can act like a child because you deal with it anyway.

Oh and if he was on his phone using wifi if turn the router off and hide it. He wants to act like a child, treat him like one.

cailindana · 07/05/2015 10:43

I wouldn't be doing any of the retaliation or turning off routers stuff, you have enough to be dealing with without waging a war. Has he always been like this, or is it new behaviour?

Original poster
swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 10:43

But Mrs what can I do? I genuinely don't know what to do. He won't communicate with me. Some times for days. During that time he will not do those two things. It makes me so sad.

OP posts:
FernGullysWoollyPully · 07/05/2015 10:43

I'd keep a set of crockery and cutlery for myself and child and let the rest pile up!

He puts his fingers in his ears?! Dickhead.

TheMagnificientFour · 07/05/2015 10:43

Well I have to say I would stop doing things for him too. His meal, his washing, his ironing. And I wouldn't start again until he is behaving like a grown up man.

Tbh he is acting as if he was at the same time a child (putting his fingers in his ears?!? It's like he is back in nursery!) and a parent/the boss who is allowed to punish you if you don't do as you are told.

I'm not sure I would call it abusive with just that but a twat definitively.

Have you told him clearly that he looks like he is back at nursery when he outs in his finger in his ears.
Or that he is not your boss or your father who can pounish as he wants?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/05/2015 10:43

Not exactly fair division is it?? And he doesn't even do what presumably he's agreed to! He's really got a good deal hasn't he? Especially as he probably realises you can't NOT do these tasks if he reneges on arrangement.

I think fire with fire.. Do stuff which causes max inconvenience to him as suggested upthread. Perhaps you should forget preparing his meals/ washing his clothes..he'll hopefully realise then these 2 allocated tasks aren't such a bad deal after all! .

fortunately · 07/05/2015 10:44

Not abusive but definitely a dick.

I married one of these. We split when DS was tiny. You don't need another kid round the house.

Exit plan.

Original poster
swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 10:44

I do qhire like the idea of the router but it would become all good out war and I need to keep calm for the kids, and myself. Feeling murderous to be honest. Always shown signs of behaging like this, yes.

OP posts:
cailindana · 07/05/2015 10:46

Is it time to consider getting rid? I know now's not a good time at all, what with a young baby on board, but would planning to leave at a later stage help your mood? It sounds like he is impossible to live with.

TheMagnificientFour · 07/05/2015 10:47

Re the work, he is finding ways to escape from the house and be in the position where he really has to help.
You see, you told him you are disagreeing with him, he does his utmost to 'punish' you by doing the one thing he knows will annoy you: stopping the very little help he is giving you.

And on the top of it, he is refusing to talk.

Now it is looking more and more as abusive behaviour.

CinnabarRed · 07/05/2015 10:47

I think in your shoes I would write him a letter (as he won't talk to you). Keep it short - under one page - so he has no excuse not to read it.

Outline precisely how much damage his behaviour and attitude do to your relationship.

Include an ultimatum. Think very hard about what that line is and how you will react if he crosses it. Make sure it's one you can keep if he calls you on it. Because if he does cross the line and you back down then you will be worse off than now.

How he reacts to the letter will tell you everything you need to know.

A decent, loving person will be horrified that it has come to this and do his level best to improve the situation. An immature, selfish arse will call your bluff (which is at least easy to spot) or pay lip service to changing but actually doing nothing.

Original poster
swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 10:47

Yeah a dick. I don't even know how to exit. We rent, no spare money for another rental, no close family or friends near- I'm feeling rather trapped

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ExitPursuedByABear · 07/05/2015 10:48

Is he 12?

MrsNextDoor · 07/05/2015 10:48

So he goes silent on you for days? This is dreadful. In your shoes I would do one of two things...either tell him it's couples counseling or he;s out...or I would just boot him out. Why should you live like this!?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 07/05/2015 10:48

God is he a grown man or a teenage son?! What a wanker.

What was he like when you were at work before the baby? And what was he like when you were on Mat Leave with DC1?

Id just stop doing all his shit. No dinners for him. None of his laundry done.

Wanker.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/05/2015 10:48

Sorry cross posted ed

MrsNextDoor · 07/05/2015 10:48

You exit by kicking HIM out. You stay where you are and apply for housing benefit etc.

CinnabarRed · 07/05/2015 10:49

And FWIW I do think this is passive-aggressive abusive behaviour.

CinnabarRed · 07/05/2015 10:50

Go to CAB and find out exactly what you would be entitled to if you do exit this relationship.

suzannecanthecan · 07/05/2015 10:50

From what you say OP he sounds very childish and although I initially made the 'fire with fire' comment I suspect that he won't back down and you since you have much the smaller amount of leverage will suffer more than him.

Nolim · 07/05/2015 10:50

He sounds more abusive with everything you say op. Was he a nice normal person before?

Original poster
swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 10:55

Not really! I'm an idiot aren't i

OP posts: