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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for your help on how to think about this?

83 replies

swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 10:20

dh has two domestic responsibilities. to drop ds at school and to load the dishwasher at the end of the day. I do everything else and I don't mind as on Mat leave. however, if we have an argument he refuses to do either. I've got a 4 month old so these two things make a big difference. Would this type of behaviour be considered abusive do you think or am I taking it too far?

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 07/05/2015 10:57

He sounds like a grade a arsehole and I'd be suprised if the relationship isn't/ doesn't become more and more abusive.
2 things, people who behave like that, their behavior is likely to get worse if left unchecked. It is also not uncommon for men to start abusive/controlling behavior around the time of a birth.
Your DH's attitude to his role as a grown male, father, husband, will have a massive impact on your sons attitude towards women and relationships when he is an adult.

Original poster
swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 10:58

How do I kick him out? He has said he refuses to leave. What can I do then?

OP posts:
MythicalKings · 07/05/2015 11:00

Get a solicitor to get him out. I think this is abuse.

Original poster
swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 11:00

Also our rent is higher than average for round here so I don't think hb will cover it - but yes if worse comwe to worse I could go to council and ask for support? And move somewhere cheaper, obs

OP posts:
suzannecanthecan · 07/05/2015 11:00

You're not an idiot to expect your partner to treat you with kindness and respect

, it can be hard to see what's going on when you're in the thick of it, especially when you are stressed and vulnerable and thus your ability to think clearly and strategically is compromised

fortunately · 07/05/2015 11:01

Is his name on the lease?

I moved out and took the kids just to get away from him. Stressful as hell at first but within a couple of weeks of moving it was blissful.

Don't worry about how he pays his rent, just worry about yourself. Do you have income?

Original poster
swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 11:01

Why would anyone become more controlling and abusive aroundthe time of a birth? It just seems so cruel

OP posts:
MrsNextDoor · 07/05/2015 11:04

Some men do because they're arseholes OP. Animalistic basically. Like a male dog who snaps at the female and her puppies. Basic...and stupid. Get out...there's support out there for you. Don't live with this man treating you badly.

fortunately · 07/05/2015 11:04

ExH did. It's the removal of focus from them onto the baby. Think of it like a tantrumming toddler. They're no longer the centre of the universe so all the toys come out of the pram in a bid for attention.

Original poster
swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 11:05

Sorry my posts keep not showing up- yes both names on lease, fixed term for a year. Not sure I have it in me to Up and leave

OP posts:
suzannecanthecan · 07/05/2015 11:05

It is hard to understand, I can only think that it's some sort of predatory instinct, to exploit any and all weakness
Also suggests an underlying belief in male superiority if not outright dislike of women / misogyny ?

formerbabe · 07/05/2015 11:05

Why would anyone become more controlling and abusive aroundthe time of a birth? It just seems so cruel

Yes its horrid op....hope you get some help Flowers

Nolim · 07/05/2015 11:06

It is normal for ppl to be more stressed out with a baby since it is a huge responsibility and sleep can be seriously affected.

But to regress to the level of a 12 year old bully is not normal. Normal ppl recognize that the primary carer needs lots of support and are willing to help out.

Original poster
swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 11:07

The thing is, he likes to distance himself from me. We live very separate lives I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 11:09

I do wonder if some kind of deep rooted misogyny is going on with him, plus a belief that women are responsible for keeping house etc

OP posts:
Original poster
swooneramamama · 07/05/2015 11:10

Thanks former Flowers

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 07/05/2015 11:11

We rent, no spare money for another rental, no close family or friends near

Would it be an idea for you and DC to move closer to family and friends? So you have more support?

Momagain1 · 07/05/2015 11:12

He is making himself unneccesary by refusing to do anything regarding household or childcare. It is abuse, and it will mutate into more controlling behaviour, and he will apply the tactics to the children in time (well, he already is with ds.) Oh sure, he thinks a paycheck ties you to him, but it doesnt.

Research your rights and benefits. You will have to make hard choices between being truly on your own but in a lesser standard of living vs. everything you have now at cost of living with and providing services to a selfish jerk. But you have the option.

fortunately · 07/05/2015 11:12

Yes that's what it was with my ex. A belief that men sould have everything on a platter and angry when that didn't happen.

Can you move in with parents for a while? Council house near family? Were you thinking of going back to work?

woowoo22 · 07/05/2015 11:18

Of course it is abusive. He knows it will upset you so chooses not to do his (paltry) share therefore ensuring you're upset/not sure of what's going on. Horrible way to live. And the sticking his fingers in his ears thing is hideous.

Are you walking on eggshells around him?

suzannecanthecan · 07/05/2015 11:23

If he can't be reasonable or reasoned with it may be best to humour him but try and make life as comfortable for yourself as possible whilst making an escape plan.

Or maybe it is worth putting your card on the table and telling him that you're not prepared to continue like this? ?

ImperialBlether · 07/05/2015 11:24

Of course it is abusive. He is acting in a way that will make you suffer.

Why don't you phone for an appointment with the CAB? They will be able to help you to plan for a future without him, even if you don't end up taking that option.

Personally, I'd dump him. He sounds horrible, tbh, and I wouldn't want to share my home with someone who was cruel.

Find out your options before you make any decision. Have you seen this calculator which will show what you're entitled to?

hellsbellsmelons · 07/05/2015 11:25

Is there a reason you are now nowhere near family or friends?
Are they in the same country?
Could you call on them for support?
First step is to get an appointment with CAB and find out what you would be entitled to as a single parent.
But if you can get some RL support in family or friends then please start confiding in them.
He sounds like a total cunt (and I don't use that word lightly).
Your kids will start to learn some awful lessons on how relationships look so you need to seriously consider what you want here.

MyNameIsPinkiePie · 07/05/2015 11:26

Is his reaction out of character and not a regular occurrence? It's easier to live with if so - my H can do this and it's awful but the good outweighs these occasional changes in his personality. And strangely I can't reason with him about what happened even once he's back to being nice. I suspect counselling would help get to the bottom of why he reacts like that and give him a healthier strategy for dealing with conflict (or perceived conflict). Checking out of family life and his responsibilities isn't acceptable.

Another idea is to consider dropping your standards and not feeling like things have to be done at x time, perhaps he would do it in the morning but doesn't need to as he knows you will do it in his place. It's also good to let him know what you have done and how many time you got up in the night. I also found it helpful to leave my H with the kids at weekend, just a couple of hours initially but enough to help him understand how demanding being at home with kids can be. It's hard when you are fullfilling such different roles.

But if he isn't willing to address this behaviour then you can make it work alone, you do most of it alone anyway and should be entitled to support even once back at work. And low breast milk supply in the evening is totally normal but it is tough - I found pumping in the morning gave me a back up option if things got too tough.

ImperialBlether · 07/05/2015 11:26

And what is it he's doing on his phone? In my opinion men often act like this when there's someone they want to impress, even though she isn't there to view it.

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