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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate it when a friend goes cold on me or cuts me off for seemingly no reason?

58 replies

dovez · 06/05/2015 23:04

I have had this happen a couple of times in the past few years and I really hate it, especially when I have been a good friend to them and have done nothing wrong IMO and it literally happens overnight. Both times I have been close friends with them, and they've been very keen to be friends and contacted me a lot, then suddenly dumped me. It has happened in the distant past a couple of times too.

First instance was a couple of years ago. I became friends with a woman and thought we clicked and got on well, and she was very keen and contacted me a lot. We spent a lot of time together. Then suddenly overnight she just stopped talking to me! Literally! She deleted me from FB and walked past me in the street and didn't reply to any texts or calls. I asked her in person if I'd done anything to upset her and she said no, don't be silly, she was busy, etc. But it was obvious the friendship was over, and to this day I still don't think I actually did anything wrong. It was bizarre.

And now I think I have been dumped by another friend. We met on a forum 6 years ago, and have met up a lot of times and been close friends. A while back she stopped replying to texts so I gave up contacting her. She has now stopped replying on my facebook and if I comment on anything of hers my replies are ignored and mutual friends acknowledged, so I guess she has dumped me too.

These women are by no means my only friends, and I do have a wide circle of friends, but obviously it is still a bit hurtful and puzzling to go from being good friends to nothing, with not even a minor explanation.

Do all 'intense' friendships eventually go like this?

OP posts:
JustHavinABreak · 06/05/2015 23:27

What do you mean by "intense friendships" OP?

TBH when I was reading your post, I just thought you had been unlucky, but that throwaway comment about intense friendships is a bit worrying.

Original poster
dovez · 06/05/2015 23:34

I mean when they are keen to be friends and make lots of effort and want to see me loads and then just stop.

I probably worded it a bit wrongly TBH.

OP posts:
Bodyinpyjamas10 · 06/05/2015 23:36

Do you think you were too ott op? You might not have been just wondering. The intense is a bit strange.

JoanHickson · 06/05/2015 23:37

Either they have issues and it's not about you, they are too chicken too a dress the problem or they think you won't accept or are unable to change the issue they have with you.

Original poster
dovez · 06/05/2015 23:37

How strange that out of a long post one word is being focussed on.

as I said, I probably picked the wrong word there

OP posts:
JustHavinABreak · 06/05/2015 23:37

Well that's rough and I understand why you feel so hurt. Are you and these friends at similar stages of life? Partners/kids/working/studying? I ask to find out if you both have the same expectations of a friendship or if one of you has more vested in it than the other.

Original poster
dovez · 06/05/2015 23:39

I just think it's better to be upfront and would prefer them to tell me. I don't think its nice to just ditch someone with no explanation.

OP posts:
MamainMilan · 06/05/2015 23:44

How strange that out of a long post one word is being focussed on

I guess because people are trying to help and glean clues from your post as to what might be a factor?

How soon after you last saw/spoke with them did the no-contact happen? Could anything you said/did have been misunderstood?

PeppermintCrayon · 06/05/2015 23:45

It's a very telling word OP. A lot of people wouldn't get drawn into such intensity as it's a bit unhealthy - is it possible you're ott?

maddening · 06/05/2015 23:46

to have it happen several times is weird - it is natural for friendships to become more distant and to lose touch and many are just fleeting or just while you are at school/uni/work together or happen to use the same toddler group or dc at the same school.

But I can't think of any particular close friendships that have just cut me off so noticeably - or maybe I don't notice, I don't stress if I haven't contacted someone as imo they equally haven't contacted me but anyone I end back in contact with it's always friendly and keen to catch up, I guess I don't have to live in each other's pockets to be friends but there are some friends that remain close whatever and as you all grow and have families time available is less and less and I have never been cut out like that. I have ended a v long friendship - but she knew why, I wouldn't take the cowards way out.

JoanHickson · 06/05/2015 23:46

The only time I ditched someone with no explanation was because I was dumping them due to them having issues with denial, they could not be wrong and they were a liar, to give that person a reason would be pointless.

When I was dumped it later turned out the dumper had their own issues going on or life changes meant I was no longer useful to them.

puddymuddles · 06/05/2015 23:46

I am wondering if they were just friendly outgoing people and you read too much into it so they backed off as they felt you were trying to be their 'best' friend?

Otherwise perhaps they are just a bit bonkers!!

PeppermintCrayon · 06/05/2015 23:47

I have a friend who thinks she's been cut off when people try to get a normal amount of space.

Waltermittythesequel · 06/05/2015 23:49

You could be a bit full on. Though ignoring you completely is odd.

Original poster
dovez · 06/05/2015 23:51

No I'm not full on at all. Far from it. I have plenty of other friends.

Both of these acted as though they wanted to be my new best friend, not the other way round. Almost like they are all or nothing.

I know no one will believe me as it's common knowledge that on MN the first few replies set the tone for the whole thread but that is how it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
dovez · 06/05/2015 23:52

And I have endeavoured to keep a normal amount of space during these friendships....

OP posts:
JustHavinABreak · 06/05/2015 23:55

While your first post was long, there were important details that people needed before they could offer any insight, which is surely what you wanted or you wouldn't have posted in the first place. When we ask for more information though you get snippy and defensive. What's that about?

Original poster
dovez · 06/05/2015 23:57

I've given more information and still that one little word that I have already said several times that I chose incorrectly is still being focussed on.

It's just a bit frustrating tbh....

OP posts:
ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 06/05/2015 23:58

Oh come on don't pick up on that one word and then run with it for the rest of the thread. OP is feeling a bit down, it's not nice to be dropped out of the blue. We have no way of knowing the intimate details of what OP is like, what the other people were like, who said what to whom and why the friendship ended and we aren't going to find out so let's not all jump on a bandwagon, decide OP is OTT because she used a certain word and therefore derail the thread.

OP that does sound shit. It's happened to me recently, in fact I was just thinking about it when this thread popped up in active convos. In my case, I think looking back the friendship was a bit dsyfuctional. I think my friend was a bit of an emotional vampire, she cooled off a lot whenever I was ok and happy, sorted etc, but when things with my ex were bad/ I was struggling with the kids/going NC with my mum and I was in a bad place she was contacting me lots, wanting to come over a lot etc. Its a pattern that I can recognise happening several times throughout the time we were friends.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 06/05/2015 23:59

dovez

You posted for opinions. No one sets the tone on mumsnet. We are all far too bloody argumentative to follow a set tone.

The word intense is a loaded expression as it implies far more than a friendly relationship that's why it was commented on.

As you have lots of other friends I would chalk it up to experience and maybe in the future be more wary of the gushers. We have all met them. Grin

Original poster
dovez · 07/05/2015 00:01

Thanks Shadows

Body, it's been mentioned before many a time on here that if the first few posters pick up on something in the OP then most other posters follow that tone and focus on that thing to derail the thread and give the poster a hard time.

OP posts:
ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 07/05/2015 00:01

OP is not being snippy. This is daft, it's like an interrogation! OP says she's not OTT, let's leave it there. No need to launch a mission to prove that actually yes she is because you think it therefore it must be right.
Let's allow OP to use this thread for what it was intended - a space to talk about being dropped by friends and how that's a bit shit!!

IrmaGuard · 07/05/2015 00:03

It's very rude to be dumped 'cold' with no explanation, but some people might find it easier than having a confrontation. Of course no-one here can diagnose the problem for you. If you are absolutely sure that you haven't been oversharing, attention hogging or insensitive then I would assume the problem is all theirs and would stop worrying about it.
I'm assuming you are female?

JustHavinABreak · 07/05/2015 00:03

Really not talking about that word OP. You said you had chosen the wring word and that's fine. The bit about the first few responses dictating how the thread will go is what I was referring to. Maybe you missed my earlier question. I asked if you and these friends were all at the same stage in life. Partners/married? Kids? Jobs? Studying? I'm just wondering if you both had the same expectations of the friendship or if one of you "needed" it more.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 07/05/2015 00:06

Been on aibu for far too many years and not sure that's true actually.

Still op you have other friends so it's not you is it. It's just 2 people and as just points out you may all be at different stages.

It's upsetting though.