To hate it when a friend goes cold on me or cuts me off for seemingly no reason?

[dovez]

I have had this happen a couple of times in the past few years and I really hate it, especially when I have been a good friend to them and have done nothing wrong IMO and it literally happens overnight. Both times I have been close friends with them, and they've been very keen to be friends and contacted me a lot, then suddenly dumped me. It has happened in the distant past a couple of times too.

First instance was a couple of years ago. I became friends with a woman and thought we clicked and got on well, and she was very keen and contacted me a lot. We spent a lot of time together. Then suddenly overnight she just stopped talking to me! Literally! She deleted me from FB and walked past me in the street and didn't reply to any texts or calls. I asked her in person if I'd done anything to upset her and she said no, don't be silly, she was busy, etc. But it was obvious the friendship was over, and to this day I still don't think I actually did anything wrong. It was bizarre.

And now I think I have been dumped by another friend. We met on a forum 6 years ago, and have met up a lot of times and been close friends. A while back she stopped replying to texts so I gave up contacting her. She has now stopped replying on my facebook and if I comment on anything of hers my replies are ignored and mutual friends acknowledged, so I guess she has dumped me too.

These women are by no means my only friends, and I do have a wide circle of friends, but obviously it is still a bit hurtful and puzzling to go from being good friends to nothing, with not even a minor explanation.

Do all 'intense' friendships eventually go like this?

Shadows maybe I'm wrong but I thought posts in AIBU were actually to allow a poster to reflect on their own behaviour or thinking with a view to seeing if they were being unreasonable. I'm sure if the OP just wanted to vent by relaying the story of what happened and then have others join in to say that happened to them too, then she would have posted in Chat. Instead she seems to be actively looking for feedback.

I think that this happens more often than we realise - but people usually feel upset and a bit embarrassed about it so don't always make a point of telling others.

It has happened to me and I never knew why. And because you don't know why you say little. The last thing you want is to say to other friends "Do you know why X isn't speaking to me?" and they say; "You mean you don't know!! You were such a cow when you did ABC...."

And there is always the thought that they may just be busy/ a bit down/wrapped up in new job or relationship.

Certain types of peopele do it all the time - it is just the way they work. Pursue a friendship then move on. Don't worry op. Stick with the old friends.

Just I can't tell you whether OP wants feedback, you need to ask her not me! I just felt, seeing as she had already clarified that she wasn't OTT, that it was overkill to keep harping on about it as though intent on proving her wrong.

Perhaps they are the ones who are intense and want you to put them at the centre of things. My longstanding friend cut me off. Quite likely because I had met someone. She was no longer (in her eyes) a priority.

Sorry you feel hurt. I would, too. Stuff them!

I know this can happen if people are scared off by a needy negative draining friend. But if that isn't the case then no idea but it is their loss and they are probably not worth worrying over.

OP if I were you I would just concentrate on the fact that you have other friends who obviously appreciate and value you. Some people just aren't able for the confrontation that would be involved in moving on so they just do so without saying a word. I understand that isn't the way you would do it, but equally if you were in the position of wanting to move on from a friendship and felt the need to tell the other person why, they might just wonder why you couldn't have just quietly slipped away. Each to their own really. Try not to let them cloud your other friendships. Your friends are obviously important to you and the two "dumpers" don't get that, it's their loss really.

Fair enough Shadows. And sorry your friend turned out to such a s**t too!

Forget about them. Some people are like that. Over the top friendly until they move onto their next new best friend. I wouldn't waste any more.time on them.

This has happened to me a couple of times. Not so much getting friendships going but I've been confided in about very personal things, haven't told a soul, kept it to myself, small world and all that. Then suddenly said people have just acted like it never happened and stopped being so friendly.
I imagine they've realised I know too much about them. Could this be it?

Ironic timing! I had a casual friend that I played a sport with suddenly drop off the face of the earth after the Christmas/New Years break. We weren't close outside of our shared interest so it wasn't terribly upsetting but it was sudden and I did spend some time worrying that I had offended her somehow.

We both belong to the same club where we play and today I bumped into her in the parking lot for the first time this year. She was very happy to see me and I said how glad I was to see she was still doing "X" sport as I was afraid she had quit. She told me how sorry she was that she hadn't contacted me but she had experienced some serious depression in the early months of this year and that she had just started doing things again now that spring has arrived. I 100% believed her, she has always worn her heart on her sleeve about her emotions.

OP I guarantee that people disappearing on you is most likely not about you, they are having their own issues. It is still hurtful and confusing and I sympathise with you. Just keep reminding yourself that they

"Just keep reminding yourself that they... are not trying to hurt you, they just may not be able to face socializing" sorry - hit post too soon!

People are very strange OP. I've had similar from a woman who I got to know about 2.5 years. Basically, we were friends for a year or so, going out and doing stuff. Then I realised it was me doing most of the arranging and she became harder and harder to contact. I would text and message her occasionally but nothing. I then didn't hear from her for ages until she contacted me out of the blue on FB being all chatty. Asking me how I was, did I want to go out etc? I said, yeah sure but then never heard anything back. I won't bother if I hear from her again, reckon she's a bit of a user tbh.

Sorry to hear about your friend OP, some people do just do things like that. I haven't really got any useful advice I'm afraid.

Some people aren't good at being friends, maybe these are two examples. I think they almost 'get in too deep', confide in you, and then panic and withdraw. Alternatively it could be crippling depression in which case I have a lot of sympathy for them.

Either way, OP - I am sure its not you.

Some people are far better at "making friends" than "being friends" IMO.

YY to previous post. It is easy to make 'friends', maintaining a friendship is where the value lies. I am pretty sure it's not you OP. This is only 2 people out of your wide circle of friends and it's probable that they have done this to other people on the past. Someone once said to me some people don't have friends, they have a 'network of convenience'! Funny, but also true!!

I wouldn't worry too much about lost 'friends'. Maybe it was just an issue of 'them, not you'. I wouldn't lose much sleep over it if they didn't even bother to talk through whatever issues they had, just move on and make new friends or reconnect with old ones. Friendships come and go, you stay friends while you are on the same wavelength, but things change. I stopped contacting couple of friends over different issues, the latest one being that we had totally different views on many things, especially parenting, and she didn't like when I disagreed. I dumped another friend after I had enough of her 2 hour long phone conversations with her complaining about everything in life, disregarding and rubbishing all my attempts to help her, I would feel totally drained after any contact with her. I am hardly ideal myself, so been dumped too, sometimes some people, I think, find me not interesting or outgoing enough, but oh well, I am fine with being myself. So, analyse patterns of your communication with them, and if you can't see anything that you could have done or said to cause the drift, just close the chapter and turn the page.

Another idea is that THEY both wanted a 'best' friend and when they found out you had lots of other friends they dumped you and looked for a new 'best' friend. personally I am not into best friends (past age 8) but some adult women still are!

I have had this happen with a colleague. We were both part-time, small children and saw each other on days off. She went cold on me, had found another "close" friend and was with them all the time. Then she did it again, and again.

I think some people are not very good at sustaining friendships. They enjoy the "chase" but lose interest once you are reeled in.

Think of it like a boyfriend. Some people enjoy the courtship, early months but lose interest in the long term. You might just have found this type of person.

Also, with my friend, she was using me, and others, to build a wider friendship circle. She had moved into the area and wanted to be the centre of things. I think, in some ways, I, and the others, served a purpose - we made her look part of things and "connected" but she was not that interested in us, just in looking popular.

Just because you think you did nothing to cause these reactions, doesn't mean you didn't. I imagine they had what was to them, excellent reasons.

OP the ONE woman who tagged onto me in that "I LOVE YOU!!" way was the same as your "friends" and suddenly dumped me with no warning.

Very weird.

I was on the back foot when she decided that I was her new bestie and should have listened to my instincts! I have never had this happen before...my friendships are all good solid ones that happened organically...watch out for that type in the future.

OP - The words we choose are very powerful. On a purely practical linguistic matter - you drew attention to the word 'intense' - by putting in your closing comments (final say when setting your argument), enclosing it in quotations, and setting the final paragraph out from the rest of your post. So that is why people picked it up. (not to mention the semiotics of the word)

But your reaction when challenged seems very defensive.

Yes - maybe they have decided that they don't want to pursue the friendship anymore - but you don't come across as being receptive to difficult conversations.

Or maybe you were just convenient for them at that time in their lifes. Some people have different favourites for a while - and then they get bored and move on. You say you have a wide friendship circle, so it's not unusual you would encounter 2 such people.

Either way - I'd just let it go. At some point in the future maybe you'll be able to look back and see the situation differently - until then focus on your other friendships.

Sometimes I withdraw from a friendship for a good few months, but it's not personal to them, it's more my coping mechanism for mental health problems. My closest friends are very aware of this, and will give me time, or come find me and drag me back into socialising if I've been gone a long time.

I have lost some friends with this though, I guess we are incompatible because this has always been how I cope, and if they can't handle me having to do it and take offense at something that isn't personal, we aren't really going to get on.

If I had a problem with a friend that I felt could be worked out, or needed aired, then I would, if I no longer wished to have contact, in most cases I would tell them that and why. The only time I've ever cut someone off cold was when I invited a school mum friend to mine and she tried to snog my partner at the time, because I was simply too angry to do anything else.

I know everyone isn't like me, but I think what works is having a dialogue about what's up, so I discuss this tendency with friends so they know it isn't personal, and they approach me if they have any concerns it is personal, so I can either reassure them or tell them what's up.

I've and this happen to me.

Like you OP, the "intensity" came from her not me, always texting, wanting to meet all the time etc. I felt I supported her through so much and tbh when I needed support it wasn't really there at all(for instance I was rushed into hospital- which she knew about as our DDs were friends- she didn't contact me for two weeks
She suddenly just ditched me, no contact nothing. I found out about 6 months later that she had done the same thing to other people and she's still doing it now!

I found the whole thing very hurtful but I now realise it was her not me. I think you need to think the same thing. Concentrate on your other friends.

I'm going through the process of phasing someone out and may be coming across as your friends so I want to give you my reason for doing this and you can decide if you've been a good friend or not.

I had a thread about this a few weeks ago. My "friend" always asked me personal questions about my finances, how many tax credits I was getting, how much DH was being paid, what our bills were etc. I found these questions intrusive.

She also started practically stalking me, telling me in "joke" texts she knew who had been to my house or she'd seen me on so and so street and what was I doing there. If I'd plan something she'd make pissed off comments like "you didn't tell me" (she still is doing this).

She'd send me texts late at night or phone me early in the morning like 5/6am crying about things that weren't even a big deal.

She has a horrible jealous streak and wouldn't congratulate or say well done to my dc if they achieved something. She was very competitive with her dd which makes no sense to me.

She would pass information about my life to her other friends.

If she ever saw me or dd talking to other people in the playground, she'd come and take over talking to them and strike up friendships with my friends. Almost like a Wendy thing going on.

When I started to cut her off she made horrible comments like "you're not pregnant are you?" And then she wondered if my DH had walked out on us!! She just won't get the hint that she is the problem because she doesn't have any boundaries!

She also bitched a lot all the time. Always bitching about someone. It was draining. She's probably bitching about me now to someone else.

She always gave unwanted advice when she thought she was being helpful. Like on my Dd's birthday party she told me to buy 60p pizzas from ASDA and not bother buying from Pizza Hut.

Sorry that's a long list. I'm still in the process of cutting her out. She doesn't get the hint like you though.
So if you've done any of the above things then I can see why your friends stopped talking to you.