Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To feel really icky about this? DP and female colleague

77 replies

feelsallicky · 06/05/2015 12:43

I'm really hoping for some perspective on this.

I'm not usually a jealous person at all so I don't know if I'm just being weird.

A few weeks ago DP was telling me about his boss thinking there was something going on between him and a new woman in his job because he had seem them walking towards the bus stop together but DP was going a different way and she playfully touched his arm/shoved him as he wasn't walking with her as he normally would. DP told me this in a "this is how strange the boss is" in of way but admittedly it made me curious about her and he was saying that on the bus she's always asking him those "get to know you" questions like if you were stranded on a desert island, where would you most like to visit etc. The only other references I recall about her is when she was asking him what he was getting me for Valentines day and she told him his idea was terrible (it wasn't) and a time he bought me perfume and she smelt it and said it wasn't nice. All irrelevant but I'm trying to build the only picture I have.

I don't know why but the picture he was innocently building made it seem like she fancied him and I asked if they had swapped numbers and he said yeah actually just the other day she asked for his so she could check when the boss is on his way back.

You're probably all going to think I'm so paranoid but ordinarily I'm not at all, there's just something about this.

Anyway I said I bet she'll start finding excuses to text you and he said well yeah she did already text asking what something meant (a slang word she heard someone using as English isn't her first langauge) but she really came across quite flirty. The other night I asked if he had heard from her and he said no but in bed that night he was showing me something on whatsapp and I saw loads of new messages she'd sent him,he let me see (please don't flame me! I was upset and shocked that he had lied to me) they were completely innocent, for every two or three messages she sent him he replied maybe once being polite, nice but not at overly chatty whereas she really did seem to find any excuse to text.

The fact he lied to me really upset me and we had a big row, I hate lies, I see no reason for them. I'm not controlling or jealous so i see no reason why he'd hide it from me.

Then last night he came home and he said she wont be texting him again that she thinks he's a total weirdo now, i asked why and he said she asked about his weekend and he said it wasn't great, that he'd had a fight with me because he had lied about her texts etc. He claims he did it to nip it in the bud but I'm so hurt he would discuss our private life with the one person we had argued about.

AIBU, I really don't know if I am but this all feels scarily similar to how so many relationship threads start!

OP posts:

BlinkAndMiss · 07/05/2015 08:02

This situation arose because, deep down, your DH knows there could be more to the friendship and he was feeling guilty. It's not because of anything you have done.

Mentionitis is how it starts, it's because he's intrigued by the idea of her which is how affairs start. Whether or not he would have done anything is a different matter and depends entirely on the individual. Her angry response would also ring alarm bells for me, she's been messaging him a lot more than only for work purposes and at times when he wasn't at work. A decent person would have accepted that his wife wouldn't be happy about that and just acknowledge that. It sounds to me like you've spoilt their fun and she is pissed off that her work crush has now come to an end.

As part of a couple you put your other half first, you don't tell another woman than you can't be friends because your wife isn't happy about it and that you have argued with her. That suggests that he's planting the seed that there are holes in your relationship which is not going to enrage her to stop, it will encourage her that there is a point to persuing the 'friendship' should she want to. Essentially, it's giving her the green light because there are issues in his marriage.

I'm not sure where I'd go from here, it does sound like it's stopped before it's started really and clearly he's very bad at lying and having secrets so that would reassure me. However, as you have said, the trust is broken and I'm not sure how that would be fixed.

NCTimeAgain · 07/05/2015 08:03

I don’t think you handled it well but I do think your instincts were right that this was the beginning of sonething that could have ended in cheating. He might not even have been properly aware of it himself. Rather than let it slide now and be resentful with each other, have a look at that Glass book or google Shirley Glass walls and windows and that might help show both of you why you were right to think something was 'off' even if you didn't handle it too well.

BlinkAndMiss · 07/05/2015 08:04

I don't think you've dealt with this badly at all, it's the nature its the friendship that has caused an issue and not the fact that your DH has a female work friend. Plenty of people have work friends of the opposite sex but it doesn't seem suspicious. The messaging and the hiding things are what you're upset about - that's normal and not irrational at all.

Yarp · 07/05/2015 08:05

Greta post BlinkAndMiss

Yarp · 07/05/2015 08:06

Great, even

shewept · 07/05/2015 08:08

I really think you have over reacted.

The whole boss story did raise alarm bells for me. I have seen it a few times.

But you are sure he didn't cheat. He lied, he shouldn't have done but he did. But you believe there was nothing in it. Like you gut feeling told you he was speaking to her, his gut feeling told him you would kick off.

He told his friend the truth....can you give me a reasonable excuse to tell a friend from work they can no longer text that isn't going to make him or you sound odd? Its better he just tells her the truth, Imo. If nothing else it shows he is willing to put your feelings of uncomfortableness in front of their friendship.

The whole 'you will send a text that I tell you to' is a huge over reaction as is the contemplating splitting up because you can't get over it

We are all humans and we fuck up. We all do, its just who we are. Most people have told a white lie to make someone else feel better, sometimes they blow up in our face and we realise we shouldn't have bothered lying.

If he really was sneaky he would have deleted the whole conversation on what's app. I don't think you can delete individual messages, but you cab delete whole conversations, at least on my phone you can.

Aermingers · 07/05/2015 08:21

Was he hiding it? He didn't openly declare he's received it, but I'm not sure it's normal to be required to announce to your partner every time you receive a text or speak to a member of the opposite sex.

This is one of those times when you just think, fucking Mumsnet. If the roles were reversed and a man went mad at his wife because she'd received a few messages from a man at work then demanded his wife handed over the phone so he could text him, then when it became clear no cheating had occurred blamed him for 'thinking about having an affair' everybody would be saying LTB. It always astonishes me that this doesn't work the other way around and instead the man is blamed for the suspicion because he may have thought about having an affair.

shewept · 07/05/2015 08:28

I probably haven't dealt with it very well but I haven't had experience of this before and we are usually so open with each other that the lying rang huge alarm bells, then imagine being told he told her etc etc.

And neither has he. Since he didn't delete the message as soon as the convo was over, his lie was a spur of the moment thing. He has never dealt with his dp being suspicious before.

He probably couldn't think of an excuse to stop her texting immediately without telling her. He has never had to do it before.

Neither of you have dealt with it fantastically, but really give eachother a break. If he works he is likely to have friends that are female at work. And tbh if dh wanted to know about all the individual texts I get off male friends, I wouldn't be happy about it. I wouldn't lie about it but I do get why people panic and lie.

ConnieBaby · 07/05/2015 09:12

Please don't tell the OP that her DH lied because he knew her reaction. That's the cop out that men use frequently when they cheat. How about looking at it that she reacted like that because he lied. Lying is never good for a marriage and it's never ok for one partner to decide to keep things from the other in order to 'protect them'

OP, the texting probably wasn't good but is a product if being lied to. You both now need to move in from this Ina positive way.

shewept · 07/05/2015 10:58

That's the cop out that men use frequently when they cheat. How about looking at it that she reacted like that because he lied.

No plenty of people lie. Men and women and sometimes its because they know what reaction is coming. I also said he shouldn't have lied, but I can see how it happens.

As far as I am aware, its a public forum

ConnieBaby · 07/05/2015 11:39

How does it happen? Under what circumstances is lying to your partner ok? My reaction to DH having coffee or chatting to a female colleague would be pretty much nothing. My reaction to DH lying about such things would be huge.
And yes, women who cheat lie too and that's no different.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 07/05/2015 11:42

I actually think although he has been a muppet, it might be that she fancies him, he is flattered and is not handling it great

firm words are needed and I do think a conversation to nip this in the bud

HE needs to tell this filthy slapper girl that he is married and to back off, as nothing will ever happen

will he man up and do this you reckon??

lets face facts her behaviour, consistently texting and messaging a married is BANG out of order, honestly

also OP, maybe he was flattered by a pretty girl- its ever so icky for you but this does happen in marriages- and they can come out stronger- at some stage someone might catch your eye. i am NOT condoning him, but male or female people will find others attractive

good luck

Aermingers · 07/05/2015 11:46

People lie because they're scared too. For example if a woman with a possessive controlling partner asked if it was reasonable not to tell her partner that she had a text message of a man at work you can almost 100% guarantee she would not only be told she shouldn't tell him but also that she should LTB.

The double standard is quite shocking.

badbaldingballerina123 · 07/05/2015 11:50

I don't think you've over reacted and I do think something was off about it. As for over reacting it's not as if you've gone into their work creating a scene. I would still keep an eye on this though.

shewept · 07/05/2015 11:51

connie where have I said its ok? I have never said that. I have said I do not think its worth splitting up over. That it can be moved past, in time with some effort.

Yes I can imagine where a person makes a snap decision, which is the wrong decision. Unfortunately, I can imagine people who are not perfect. You obviously can't imagine people doing things that are wrong and things that they would do differently if they had a chance.

We differ on that. And that's fine. What I don't understand is you requesting people not to give their opinions because they don't match you own.

VelvetRose · 07/05/2015 12:07

I think you should leave it now op. I don't think you've done anything wrong actually. I think your instincts were right here to be honest. It wasn't just about the messages was it? It was about the lying and the betrayal of confidence. I think BlinkandMiss has it exactly right.

The reason I think you should leave it now is because you need to see if you can trust your partner again. If you are continually trying to control the situation you'll never know.

ConnieBaby · 07/05/2015 13:03

Where did I say other people shouldn't voice their opinion? What I questioned was all the posts saying maybe he lied because he knew her reaction. That's excusing unacceptable behaviour in my opinion and akin to saying 'what did you do to deserve it?'
Any lying because you're scared is totally different IMO but same thing goes really that if one if you is lying then there's a major issue in your marriage. Though, if you're lying because you're scared then you have far bigger issues and need to get out rather than talk things through to get to the root cause as I also advised the OP to do.

ConnieBaby · 07/05/2015 13:07

And as for imagining people making mistakes,
If DH came to me and told me he'd had a one night stand the night before there would be a slim chance we could save our marriage. If he lied about it, there would be no chance. It's the same with my children. They have always known that punishments for lying are far far worse than any other in this house. It's the one thing that I will not tolerate. And it's the one thing that is guaranteed to end my marriage without question.

shewept · 07/05/2015 14:42

Please don't tell the OP that her DH lied because he knew her reaction

connie you asked people not to say the above. Therefore thellong them they shouldn't post their opinion.

Its not excusing it. He shouldn't have done it. Its an possible explanation...not an excuse.

Lying and cheating are 2 different things. You can tell a lie and not be a cheater. Imo a lie does not have to end a relationship.

shewept · 07/05/2015 14:47

However Connie this isn't about whether we agree. The OP may decide she can't get past it and I think it would be a shame, since (apart from this) the have a good relationship.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I simply putting another opinion forward.

Branleuse · 07/05/2015 14:54

I think she sounds really young and immature if she really has got no clue that striking up that sort of constant messaging type friendship with a colleague, might upset his missus. He was being a bit of a twat to not nip it in the bud sooner. Is he not really used to getting attention?

Andylion · 07/05/2015 15:01

I think she is interested and he is flattered, perhaps, nothing more at this stage. However, the way he handled it has made things worse.

....can you give me a reasonable excuse to tell a friend from work they can no longer text that isn't going to make him or you sound odd?

He could have left his wife out of the explanation and just said that he thought she was texting too much.

Branleuse · 07/05/2015 17:10

I dont see how it even gets that far.
If a male colleague started texting me loads, id think oh ffs, theyre interested in me, and i would give cool answers to the texts or not reply until they got the message. its not exactly difficult to make it obvious youre not interested, without causing scenes or arguments or upsetting your actual partner

Yarp · 07/05/2015 17:56

Agree Branleuse

It has happened to me

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/05/2015 18:06

I probably would put dh in the explanation- total cop-out!

Flip

1 2 3 4