To feel really icky about this? DP and female colleague

[feelsallicky]

I'm really hoping for some perspective on this.

I'm not usually a jealous person at all so I don't know if I'm just being weird.

A few weeks ago DP was telling me about his boss thinking there was something going on between him and a new woman in his job because he had seem them walking towards the bus stop together but DP was going a different way and she playfully touched his arm/shoved him as he wasn't walking with her as he normally would. DP told me this in a "this is how strange the boss is" in of way but admittedly it made me curious about her and he was saying that on the bus she's always asking him those "get to know you" questions like if you were stranded on a desert island, where would you most like to visit etc. The only other references I recall about her is when she was asking him what he was getting me for Valentines day and she told him his idea was terrible (it wasn't) and a time he bought me perfume and she smelt it and said it wasn't nice. All irrelevant but I'm trying to build the only picture I have.

I don't know why but the picture he was innocently building made it seem like she fancied him and I asked if they had swapped numbers and he said yeah actually just the other day she asked for his so she could check when the boss is on his way back.

You're probably all going to think I'm so paranoid but ordinarily I'm not at all, there's just something about this.

Anyway I said I bet she'll start finding excuses to text you and he said well yeah she did already text asking what something meant (a slang word she heard someone using as English isn't her first langauge) but she really came across quite flirty. The other night I asked if he had heard from her and he said no but in bed that night he was showing me something on whatsapp and I saw loads of new messages she'd sent him,he let me see (please don't flame me! I was upset and shocked that he had lied to me) they were completely innocent, for every two or three messages she sent him he replied maybe once being polite, nice but not at overly chatty whereas she really did seem to find any excuse to text.

The fact he lied to me really upset me and we had a big row, I hate lies, I see no reason for them. I'm not controlling or jealous so i see no reason why he'd hide it from me.

Then last night he came home and he said she wont be texting him again that she thinks he's a total weirdo now, i asked why and he said she asked about his weekend and he said it wasn't great, that he'd had a fight with me because he had lied about her texts etc. He claims he did it to nip it in the bud but I'm so hurt he would discuss our private life with the one person we had argued about.

AIBU, I really don't know if I am but this all feels scarily similar to how so many relationship threads start!

Men like this irritate me because they make it into your issue, 'oh well because you don't like it I'll distance myself' when the fact of the matter is he should have bloody done that in the first place.

The fact he went in telling her about the argument, that would be an absolute deal breaker for me and is a massive sign in my opinion. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt in threads like this but that's horrible.

I know grays I would say the exact same thing if it wasn't my thread.
He was so defensive last night too saying he did it for "us", so she'd stop texting him but why does he need to give her any excuse??

I feel really angry for you feels. It's just so bloody infantile isn't it, how he just can't ignore her or tell her to go away without having to bring your private business into it.

I hope it's all just the pair of them being stupid and him doing some ego stroking, nothing more

She's after him, he knows it and enjoyed the attention and has probably had a bit of a flirt but he knows he's wrong. That's why he's already practising "damage control" by drip feeding you bits of information all from his perspective. It's dodgy but he probably hasn't done anything tangible yet. Talking to her about it like you're a controlling jealous manic when actually you are stating the obvious and calling him a liar is just outrageous. I think it's time for a frank conversation. Don't let him sleepwalk into something that could wreck your lives. Tell him - "This woman is being overly flirtatious with you, you know I'm not a jealous person but this is wrong. Please be wary of this and if you lie to me again, or tell this woman personal things about our relationship, you're out."

But Londonlady, now that the trust is broken how will I believe him when he says they don't talk, text etc? He'll be getting the bus with her this evening and most evenings and I'll always be wondering.

We're both "only" 27 so it makes me wonder what he'll be hiding when we're in our forties and fifties etc or when times got tough, our relationship has been really great lately so I can't even say I understand from an ego boost or excitement point of view because we have a really nice life together and were really happy. So what if we weren't, we've had extremely tough times in the past with unemployment, bereavement etc and I used to think he was great for chugging along with me but really there wasn't the opportunities for anything like this to occur as he was a stay at home dad and we socialized together, with the same people mostly. Before my mam died he wasn't working and I was telling her I wish he'd get a job and she said you don't know what kind of person he'll be once he's working, and she was right

I think it all depends if he can acknowledge that what you say is right, apologise, and tell you what he's going to do to mitigate against this.

In short, can he be adult about it?

There are always opportunities for this sort of thing to happen, as you say, whether at work, or doing a hobby. Maybe you will even be in a position one day that gets dodgy.

He can't understand, he thinks he did nothing wrong and I'm blowing it all out of proportion. I'm going to link him to this but he probably won't read it as he's on the bus with her. Or going by past experience, he'll show her. But I couldn't give a fuck.

At the very least, something is brewing between him and his special friend and he is probably even denying it to himself. You are on to him though so it might not develop.

Fishy as fuck.

Get Shirley Glass's book 'Not Just Friends' for a very interesting breakdown of the ways in which boundaries can be crossed at work. Seriously.

Agree with Thetruths. Don't let him see the thread. I'm not surprised you feel horrible about this, it's a really upsetting situation.

First word that came to mind was mentionitis.

I'm not sure on this one. There may be interest on her side but I'm with Sev on this one. I think if he wasn't interested he would have done a better job of keeping it secret.

I didnt have a clue about my exh affair with a colleague until it had been going on for 8 months. He was extremely good at behaving normally and hiding it.

The only thing I would say is that he may have had his eyes opened. You need to be wary but I think it's more than likely done and dusted now. You said yourself that his messages were not flirty at all.

If someone is going to cheat in life, they will cheat in my opinion and there is not much point worrying about what could happen in your 40's etc...

Several years ago I cheated on my ex with a work colleague.
I'd know the colleague for a while before anything started, but as soon as the flirting began I felt the need to casual bring him up in conversations to my DP. After a while once out of work contact had started I dropped the "X is so funny! They think me and Y are flirting! Isn't that crazy?!" story.
Once the texts became something that could no longer be explained or laughed off if caught, I changed the colleagues name to another female friend who my ex wouldn't of questioned me talking to and lastly I started making excuses to go out without my DP to see colleague (without him knowing who I was seeing)

No one apart from your husband knows what's going on here. He could just be being a bit stupid and oblivious to her intentions. In your situation, I would also feel she is interested in him.
You are dealing with the situation very well and rationally.
Try to have a calm, all cards on the table, conversation with him about how this situation between him and his colleague could appear.

Keep an eye out for other things like always taking his mobile with him even if he's just popping into the next room for a second and never leaving it unattended and ignoring messages or calls when you're around claiming "Oh it's just Bob, nothing important".

I really hope everything works out for your family and he's just being a muppet.

I would be furious with this shit. Especially him telling her that you had argued about it. Really think about what that says to her.

I have happily lied to my wife about you
You are important enough to lie about
We are not getting on

They already have an inappropriate relationship. Someone else pointed out he's lying to you but telling the truth to her. There is no way she is just a random colleague. And they are discussing presents for you ? Fuck that.

Fishy. I remember xh one night smiling to himself and me asking what he was thinking. What he was apparently thinking was how his work colleague, x, was really good in lots of social situations. At the time it was totally out of the blue and I was just but fast forward 5 years and they're now married.

Don't ignore mentionitis is the moral of that odd little tale.

Thanks so much everyone.

I did something that will sound awful and controlling etc etc but I don't care, I'd never have known what really happened. After he came in I told him that I wanted his phone (just to hold) and him to go through exactly what was said the last time they spoke which he said was telling her about the fight. And that I wanted him to text her in front of me something that would correlate that eg "look I'm sorry for coming across like that the other day, I only lied to her because I know I wouldn't have been happy if some random man from work was texting her for no reasonI it's nothing personal" etc and she went mad saying this was all fucking lame and she doesn't know why he lied or how she dragged into it but he made her feel as if she had done something wrong when she only talks to him like a friend but that she won't any more.

I know the more cynical of you will think that if there was something going on that she'd have known it was me but I really don't think so, not with the slight language barrier etc.

So I'm definitely inclined to believe that nothing actually happened but she did mention I only ever text you about work or to bring me a coffee, but apparently I've seen all messages that were ever sent but I saw none about coffee.

I'm exhausted, I don't want to be in a relationship where I've to practically text another woman myself to have the truth clarified. Even though what he's said adds up and his explanation of why he discussed our relationship seems more plausible about ie. nipping it in the bud because her reply made out that he made her feel she shouldn't have been texting etc, I still can't even begin to get my head around the lie.
Lying is a huge deal to me and he knows this, I can't abide liars to any degree and once someone tells lies about one thing how can you ever believe them about anything.

Sorry if that's all scrambled or doesn't make sense I'm just so tired and wired

I actually think he's behaved quite decently. I have to say you do seem to have rather flown off the handle about this. If he genuinely didn't know she fancied him and gave him her number for work purposes he might have been shocked and uncomfortable when she started trying it on with him. But also had to keep a working relationship with her. And you've not taken it very well, I can see why he might not have wanted you to know.

And I don't think he was confiding in her. I think he was obviously making it clear she should back off because it was causing him problems.

Sorry, just read your reply. I think the thing with lying is that not all lies are bad. We tell some to protect people or stop them knowing something that will be damaging to them.

You do seem to be really overwrought about this. Do you not think he might have kept it from you because you knew that you would react very badly?

I feel quite sorry for the girl at work because it does seem to be innocent and she must feel like she's being accused of being a sex pest. I would not be pleased if a colleague accused me of fancying him.

I'm going to put a slightly different point of view out here. It is probably way more likely he was all like 'oh, this is cool, I've made a new friend' and it took a while for him to realise she liked him in more than a friendly way. At which point he feels a bit stupid, doesn't want to say 'back off' to her but doesn't want to lead her on either.

Hence the 1 polite reply to every 3 of her messages kind of thing.

I recently got myself into a similar situation at work. A guy joined our team, we got talking, share a hobby, had similar views on things, enjoyed getting coffee in the afternoon. He was texting a few times about what he was up to. Then... Bam. I realised his texts were WAY to frequent and the signals were there that be 'liked me'. Nightmare. Have boyfriend who I don't intend to leave or cheat on. Don't find work guy attractive but I DO like him as a friend. Enjoy his company. So now I'm in the difficult position of trying to disengage without causing any offence. And I'm pissed off at work guy for not just bloody being able to be friendly.

Another perspective here.

I am a woman in a male orientated field. As in, I'm the only woman there. We are a small team and have a group whatsapp and occasionally snapchat stupid things like the group of ants who routinely take up residence in the boss' desk. As I say, silly things. It can also get a bit banter-y and sweary now and again. We all occasionally have drinks/food out together, and all of them know DH and really like him. It's a good team.

It's been like that my whole working life, and DH just has to trust me that I'm not flirting, or putting out the wrong signals, or whatever. I don't know, this sounds awful, but if someone is going to cheat; they're going to cheat. And I think it's possible to overthink it too. It was definitely good in your scenario that you laid down the law a little bit and told him it was inappropriate (although you said his texting back ratio was 1:3? So that suggests he's trying to hold back a bit). She sounded embarrassed in her text back. You've possibly jumped the gun a little bit, possibly. But it's done now, and you've had the conversation with your DH.

I don't think this is worth splitting up for. There's a fine balance in my own situation between taking banter too far, and coming across as prudish. I like a chat with my work friends; I don't want to feel like I'm treading on eggshells. That said, I'm always happy to leave my phone on the side and I often get DH to read texts out to me if I'm driving and my phone is in my bag etc. I guess that's probably the clincher.

Sorry OP but I think you have over reacted, it sounds like he was just being polite with her, okay she may like him but it definitely sounds as though it wasn't mutual and you might have damaged his working relationship. He probably lied because he knew that you'd react like this.

You are both sounding incredibly immature. So what, he made a friend at work - get over it. Are you going to make a fuss each time? At this rate you will be the one who causes your relationship to end, not him.

You've made your feelings very clear on this one and you need to stop now. You either trust him or you don't. You going on and on at him every moment isn't helping. He's explained himself and he's apologised so you probably need to just forget it now. He hasn't actually DONE anything

Most people thought there was something fishy right up until I actually took action. What if he reply had been different because it could have gone either way?

I probably haven't dealt with it very well but I haven't had experience of this before and we are usually so open with each other that the lying rang huge alarm bells, then imagine being told he told her etc etc.

Thanks so much for the reply I appreciate every one of them.