Tories raising VAT to 80% on nappies and privatising Cebeebies

[OnTheRoadToLTB]

I can't provide a link right now (silly phone), but what do you guys think of these Tory policies? They kept that quiet, didn't they?

I am raging.

As it so happens, I was at Westminster today, and the place was abuzz with these true fact policies:

Green Party - will be establishing a Ministry of Magic, to solve the energy crisis and reduce global warning

UKIP - will cut the £1bn/minute spent on EU membership and use it to fund a time machine to take us all back to 1952

Labour - will default on our next loan payment and take the balance to Las Vegas, where it will be played in a slot machine

Tories - will tax working class families for children conceived whilst in receipt of benefits. They will be taking 1 child per baby conceived. Children will be given to rich families to raise in service.

It's a little publicised FACT that if Labour win this election they will immediatly scrap the "bedroom tax".

Any council house tenant with a spare bedroom will instead be given an illegal immigrant to occupy the room - two if the spare room is big enough for twin single beds. This will be a big help to the tenant, as they can help with dusting and their body heat will help warm the house in winter, and can be sent to the shops/chippy when the weather is unseasonable.

How many nectar points?

An SNP and Green coalition will make sure everyone walks 500 miles and then they'd walk 500 more

Giddy!

Nice

The Green party are going to convert pavements to the type that generate electricity when people walk on them. And insist they are intoduced into all new builds.Or Parliament at least .

www.scientificamerican.com/article/pavement-pounders-at-paris-marathon-generate-power/

UKIP are going to impose an extra levie on certain foreign foods and products.
First to be hit will be Bombay spice mix, ragu sauce and Hagen das.

After consultation star bucks will not be affected, as they are deemed to be (quote) foreign but not too foreign.

Wine policies:
UKIP will be taxing everything except Babycham
Labour - Red wine
Tories - Blue Nun
Lib Dems - Cider
SNP - Wine? Yae southern softies. Whisky or Irn Bru
Plaid - We're Methodists
Green - Vinho Verde

Labour are going to raise income tax to 150% on any member of the Bullingdon club

I've corrected that for you.

Foreign but not too foreign

LTB

UKIP are going to ban ALL foreign food.

Restaurants will now only be able to serve the British National Dish - chicken tikka masala

giddy - you're def. on fire.

LD - cider.

Ed Miliband is Jewish and planning to ban Christmas and bacon sandwiches, because they have compromised his dignity.

Given the almost certaintylikelihood of a minority or coalition government, all parties plan to establish a Ministry of Truth to help citizens understand that they have stuck to all their manifesto pledges whilst being unable to stick to any of them due to the other party/ies.

Mono yy. The Costa prize for fiction will be awarded to a manifesto this year.

Uno can I just stop for a moment to acknowledge your use of a . to follow an abbreviation.

Thank you, Giddy. I appreciate your pedantry recognition. We go usually unappreciated............damn! and it was going so well!..

Moln
"6. What order do you put jam and cream on a scone?

(Answer will need to contain the accepted exception, or immediate exile will occur)"

Answer: butter first, then jam - no cream.

I read yesterday that to boost the economy, the Greens are going to replace all money with a new one made from plants. It will have a best by date so will need to be spent before it rots and ends up in the compost bin.

Pissing myself at vowel rationing callme