Tories raising VAT to 80% on nappies and privatising Cebeebies

[OnTheRoadToLTB]

I can't provide a link right now (silly phone), but what do you guys think of these Tory policies? They kept that quiet, didn't they?

I am raging.

Got the radio on now, am listening to a local UKIP candidate saying that they will bring back the national anthem at the end of cinema performances, and that anyone who does stand will have their name put on a "list".

However, he was very vague on the specifics, and couldn't be sure what would happen to those people who aren't able to stand up for themselves.

Oh, hang on, he's just answered. Apparently disabled people won't be allowed in public to save on all the adaptations businesses have to make.

The Tories are planning to make school fees deductable against tax on trust fund income.

UKIP are banning women wearing trousers in public

Labour will a proposing a VAT increase on products bought in Waitrose or that are described as Artisan.

i wonder why our local 'kipper is campaigning for the right to drop the kerb outside your house, it's not like he'll have to get a wheelchair up there then, is it

Labour are going to start a new tax code for people who say "yah" in a throaty accent. 95% tax per day per "yah".

Conservatives are putting primark prices up 200% and changing all poundshops to fIver shops.

I hear the greens are banning the wheel.

Rumour has it that the Tories will give hard-working families Nectar points.

according to cancer research uk they're also preventing a brand new chemo alternative that will bring the survival rate to 90% from being funded!

I heard that too BodyinPyjamas, that's why I'm considering voting Labour as they propose reinventing the wheel.

The Greens are simplifying their environmental policy. Since almost every form of consumption is a burden on the environment, and no-one has zero relevant consumption, they've decided the best solution is to just have fewer people. They will select people for compulsory euthanasia from HMRC lists showing who pays the most tax. Those who pay the most tax have the highest incomes, so will be consuming the most, so they will be the first to die.

The Green party are going to ban any form of combustion, but they are putting funding in place to generate power from the strong sense of smug self satisfaction produced by Prius drivers.
Last I heard from the Tories, they were putting forwards plans to liquidise benefit claimants and use them to fill potholes.
Labour are planning on getting a 40bn loan from EzeeDosh.com so that everyone can have a free pram and tickets to comedy festivals. They have no plans to pay it back - someone else will be in government by then.
UKIP will soon collapse into some sort of black hole under the weight of their own hypocracy. It will be shipped to Brussels.

I heard (in a pub, so it is obviously true) that happiness and other positive emotions will be taxed if you are "low income".

Funding will be earmarked to develop a new enforcement division to keep the paeons out of Waitrose and ship them in cattle cars to Aldi and Lidl.

If you don't already know this, clearly you are only going on what has been reported by the "media" and haven't taken the time to actually read the policy papers.

Why don't you take your vote seriously?

(my comment was actually genuine!)

The Green Party are reducing taxes by 3% if you have a hipster beard.

Can't link I'm on my yoghurt pot on a string.

The tory twitter feed clearly states that if they continue in government they will ban poor people from celebrating Christmas and force anyone under a certain income to serve golden gooses all season long at their local conservative club. Any slave caught humming Little Donkey will be shot with a plum pudding.

All true.

ihatelego
I thought NICE made funding decisions not political parties.

i'm not sure i had a cancer research representative knock on my door and thats what they told me is the reason theyre having to make a large fundraising effort to make this pill readily available.

UKIP
Ban all foreign food (except for curry and kebabs because what would you eat when you stagger out of the pub) and all people with a foreign sounding surname (except for Nigel Farage).

Anyone who has a parent not born in the UK will be stripped of all rights (except for the children of Prince Phillip as Nige secretly wants to be Sir Nigel of Thanet)

And then there was the UKIP joke about shooting a coloured Prime Minister
... oh no, sorry that was actually true -
www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-2015-england-32595003.

UKIP have announced that their community based amateur dramatic performance is coming to an end. The long running project was meant to be a critique of modern politics but the general public seemed to be taking the fictional work seriously.

'We never thought anyone would take it seriously. We've been including more and more ludicrous incidents as part of the final stages of the performance, hoping that the dramatic nature of our work would become obvious. Sadly it hasn't ' said one Ukip source.

The same source said the team would be back next year in 'Little Red Riding Hood: How that little minx led that poor wolf on'

Obviously I'd link to the story but you know.... Phone...... String.... Link..... Nimblewimble

I nominate this best political thread on MN

Last I heard the Tories will remove child support (yes that much flaunted labour scare rumour, even seen as an ad on MN - shame on you) and charge parents per child. The first will be free, 2nd 1k, 3rd 3k, 4th 5k and 5th or more 10k!

Don't be stupid. The Tories EAT BABIES so there will be no one to watch a privatised cbeebies and that makes it unsalable.

The Greens are banning all cars but we will all get a bicycle for free so long as we all spend an hour per day with it on a special stand hooked up to the national grid.

UKIP are going to get John Smiths bitter to sponsor schools and they will be closing all the ports just to 'be on the safe side'.

Labour are going to make Civility course at GCSE and it will include the essentials: how to make a cup of tea, bacon sandwich eating etiquette and the art of taking a good selfie.

The Tories will introduce on the spot penalties for anyone found dropping their Hs or using a glottal stop.

Lego don't believe a word, it's a con.

The FBI have had the cure for cancer locked away in their vaults for years. Cancer research is such big business, the subsequent loss of funds and unemployment if cancer was curable will be devastating.