Tories raising VAT to 80% on nappies and privatising Cebeebies

[OnTheRoadToLTB]

I can't provide a link right now (silly phone), but what do you guys think of these Tory policies? They kept that quiet, didn't they?

I am raging.

All parties have just announced a common policy in a rare show of unity!!!!

It will be compulsory for all School children to answer any exam question with the word "LOOK....." and then they can proceed to answer any question they like and ignore the actual question. They are calling it "National politician training program"

The Tories will introduce on the spot penalties for anyone found dropping their Hs or using a glottal stop.

I'd vote for that one!

Breaking News

UKIP have declared Peter Andre a proscribed person

something to do with sounding a bit foreign and having suspicious skin colour...

I heard the Greens were going to ban anything with an engine. Instead of cars, we'll have horse and carts, and if we want to go abroad, we have to take a row boat. Messages will be delivered by carrier pigeon and electricity will become a thing of the past. We will go back to candle-light and talking to each other as forms of entertainment.

I read it on the internet, so it must be true

The SNP will wipe everyone's iTunes libraries and replace them with Belle ando Sebastian, the Proclaimers, and Texas

Is that before or after they draw their claymores and slaughter the entire English nation in our beds?

UKIP have declared Peter Andre a proscribed person

I'd vote for that one 'n' all...

Quite liking the reported Greens' policies tbh......

I heard, from a very reliable source, that both Labour and SNP will introduce a sense of humour tax. Anyone with sarcastic tendencies will be in the higher rate band (60%) and the occasional jokers the lower (26%) the rest will be taxed 47%. Those without one will be exempt, and possible assessment dependant may get a grant.

I also know that the Consevatives plan to make private and public schools free, but only to those that can prove they could afford it if they were to pay. Children that attend free schools that aren't private or public will be expected to join the army, navy or airforce ( the clause of this choice being they will never rise in rank) for five years.

Just got an email that the Greens are planning on bring back wolves and bears into the new woodland that is to be planted over the site of current housing (three of less bedroomed houses to be levelled you see)

Oooh, Nectar Points

Cactus
I've heard that Shell and BP invented a car that runs off water, but they were really scared about their profits, so they murdered everyone involved in the project and locked the blueprints in the company safe...

It used to be an "in" joke in cancer research circles. If anyone of us actually found a cure we'd make ourselves immediately unemployed :)

Makes you think though, doesn't it? How many people are employed by cancer research charities, all those funds that are raised (not that we saw any of it ground level lab work).

I have heard that all parties are about to employ snoopers whose job it is to report people who appear to be going out to work.

If it is found that you are working then you will be immediately taxed at 80 %. Furthermore those with one child will be taxed at 85%, those with 2 at 90% and so on.

The snoopers will base their evidence on appearance and General manner. So anyone seen leaving the house wearing smart trousers or smart skirt will immediately be suspect. Add to this those wearing shoes as opposed to trainers or flip flops and the evidence is undeniable.

The only way to avoid this is to leave the house in trackie bottoms and trainers preferably with dirty hair and plenty of visa le tattoos. Better still would be to wear a onesie, the more outlandish the better.

If approached by a snooper declare at once, working! Hell no I'm about to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show.

In order to make hospitals self funding the Conservatives will enter into a public/private partnership with the people behind Travelodge to rent out space used for out patient clinics at evenings and weekends as budget accommodation.

UKIP will submit everyone claiming to be British or wishing to continue to reside in Britain to a Test of Britishness. Questions will include the following:

1. When travelling on the tube which side of the escalator/travelator should one stand?

1. When making a cup of tea the milk goes in when?

1. Name the teams that compete in the boat race?

1. Complete the following sentence: The King's...

A. Head B. Arms C. Both of the above.

1. Complete the following: Britain should bring back...

A. National service B. Hanging C. Imperial measurements D. Pounds, shillings and pence E. All of the above

Question 4...

D. I don't mind, mine's a pint thank you.

UKIP are making morris dancing compulsory in the national curriculum and birds that fly South for the winter will be subject to additional security checks upon re-entry.

Anniegetyourgun
"The Tories will introduce on the spot penalties for anyone found dropping their Hs or using a glottal stop.

I'd vote for that one"

Me too.

Oh and question 5 - C & D

I was just watching BBC News 24, and David Cameron just said he is going to shut down mumsnet if he gets re-elected.

1. What order do you put jam and cream on a scone?

(Answer will need to contain the accepted exception, or immediate exile will occur)

Cbeebies has always been privatised - have you really never heard of franchising or marketing! Had to laugh at Nigel Farage talking about getting the BBC out of "commercial" ventures and drama. Does he have no idea how much money this makes which I naively assume keeps the licence fee down and public service broadcasting quality up - oh no wait epic fail on election coverage and how much exactly do they pay to the Jeremy Clarkson corp?

Think the Greens are banning nappies anyhow ;)

UKIP are reintroducing a period of confinement for pregnant and nursing women. Any woman found out in public with a baby under a year old who cannot demonstrate she is on legitimate household business will be detained and returned to her husband. Police will have powers of arrest if necessary and there will be a public awareness campaign to encourage members of the public to report any woman believed to have breeched her confinement.

Legitimate business would apply to the following:

Household errands aka the shopping bag test.
Wifely duties such as bringing a forgotten lunch or a spare pair of trousers to her husband's place of work.
Medical reasons
Duties related to the care of children
WI sanctioned activities

UKIP are bringing in The Breastfeeding Ban from all public spaces and work places from 2017. Anyone wishing to quote ostentatiously feed end quote their baby should use one of the new breastfeeding shelters that will be supplied a leading British manufacturer.

The greens are suggesting allowing polygamy, the only way for old folks to keep warm in the winter.... (part of that one is TRUE!)

No-one needs to make up shitty Tory policies. The real ones are fucked up enough.