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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to travel to see my family with money given by my Dad?

62 replies

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 02:14

Will try to be as brief as possible while also giving sufficient detail here!

My husband and our two kids live far away from both our families and have done for the last 4 years. We never lived close to his family but saw them each year we were married before we moved here to Canada.
We saw my family more frequently as we lived much closer to them. We are still closer to them - transAtlantic flight of 6 hours or so compared to about 23 hours of travel to get to his family. Due to this, we have still managed to see my family each year (though sometimes just me and the kids travelling) while we have only seen his parents once - they travelled here and stayed for 6 weeks.

My sister is having a baby this year and my dad has given me money to help pay for me and my kids and husband (if he wants) to come and see them and have a holiday. My husband wants me to decline the money/not take the trip because it makes him feel like a loser who can't provide. He swallowed his pride to accept a gift of money to help us buy her home and feels he shouldn't be asked and can't swallow his pride for this "unnecessary" travel/reason. I, naturally, really really want to see my family and my sister and her baby and I don't think I can put his pride on this matter before my urge to see them all. I also know that the kids would, of course, enjoy it all and my parents would love it and that OH would, if he let himself, enjoy the couple of weeks to himself if he stayed here.

He is having a tough time in that he has to find a new job and has had bad news about his parents' financial situation recently which is making this an even more bitter pill for him to swallow but I can't get my head around him not swallowing the pill.
He has said he won't stop us from going but I know he wants me to not go by choice and I don't think I can. Not without being very bitter.

So, AIBU to go? I can't help feeling more people would be made happy by me going than would be made unhappy by me not....

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Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 02:15

our home not her home

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mynewpassion · 06/05/2015 02:18

Even if flights were paid for, could you afford it with spending money?

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 02:21

yes, spending money will be just the same as being at home as we can stay with family ..in fact, possibly cheaper as we eat out a fair bit here and will do less there. Ok, there will maybe be a few extravagances but yes, can afford them.

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Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 02:23

It's really a question of whether it's more reasonable for him to swallow his pride and the bad feelings that he thinks my dad considers him a loser if we accept the money/take the trip (my dad actually put the money in my account and told me after it was done) or more reasonable for me to give up seeing my family.

We are both stubborn as f*ck.

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BrockAuLit · 06/05/2015 02:34

Being stubborn is not a good start

This is a toughie. In the olden days I think you would have been expected to put your DH ahead of your parents/siblings.

Nowadays, when marriages are more likely to be partnerships of equals, this expectation is less likely to fly.

I can see why your DH's ego might be feeling a bit bruised, and presumably you don't like him feeling this way. Is there an alternative? Because the two things aren't really related: you not accepting help doesn't suddenly make your DH a fantastic provider. It will only provide the illusion to third parties that you are self-sufficient, when you both know you're not (when t comes to visiting family).

If it were me (and I am frequently in this position, except my DH is happy to take anything that's free!), I would find another way of bolstering DH's feelings. You want him to feel better about himself, and you also want to see your family. These two things should not be mutually exclusive (probably where the resentment would stem from).

Btw, who sees whose family the most and where is a red herring. Completely irrelevant.

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 02:41

Thanks BrockAuLit - yes, I agree that who sees who more frequently is basically a red herring but I do think that it is feeding his upset at the whole thing a bit too as when it all blew up, he was mentioning how I'd seen my family recently..but, yes, best left to one side.

I had been hoping he'd have found a new job by now so it would feel better but he may have a while of looking and I really should book soon to get a decent price and so that my family know whether to expect me or not rather than be in limbo.

Yes, I do want him to feel better about himself - that is good advice - and I have been very extra nice to him and also sent him a few jobs to apply for and been supportive in his rants about current job... Not sure that I can really do anything that will make his negative feeling at me accepting the gift go away, though. If he got a job earning substantially more, he would send us off with a smile but I don't think that is at all likely tbh.

I think that it will likely come down to me choosing to go knowing it makes him feel shit or not go and I feel like shit to miss out on a couple of weeks with my family and resentful that he wouldn't "let" me go so was wondering if I would generally be considered unreasonable to let him be the one feeling shit?! (as mentioned, he won't stop me but I wish I could go with his blessing).

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BrockAuLit · 06/05/2015 02:56

It would make me feel very uncomfortable to be put in this position by my DH. It sounds as though your DH is not taking responsibility for his situation. Bottom line, he doesn't earn enough to send you off. That sucks. But doesn't mean you have to suffer with him. It's a little childish, really.

Can you postpone the trip? Give him more time to find a job and/or mend his thinking?

Fwiw, my dad would be livid if my DH prevented him from seeing him or his DGCs (for no valid reason, and he wouldn't see this as valid). What does yours say? Might he have preferred to buy the tickets instead of sending the money?

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 03:02

My parents are being very understanding about it - my mum even said if it was causing too much tension at home, that they would understand even though I know that it would break her heart a little. It makes me quite upset to have OH calling the shots this way with his emotions and then telling me I am the emotional one. I have pointed out his reasons for me not going are as emotional as mine for going - neither of us is working on pure logic here.

I could postpone but the plan was to go during the school holidays, when my nieces will be off school too, take advantage of the summer. I was also hoping that we would save up and maybe manage to see his family in December but that will be dependent on him getting a job.

I do think it's not fair to my parents and sister to not get to see me 'cause OH can't suck it up but was wondering am I totally being unreasonable and having my judgement clouded.... Should I be showing solidarity to OH and not going...
At worst, I feel he's being selfish and childish. At best...erm...prideful?
We are trying to discuss but I think it's a brick wall. I want to go, ideally with his blessing, he thinks I should see his point of view enough not to go.

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Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 03:04

P.S. I have a job too...and earn slightly more than him. If it weren't for him being about to be between jobs, we could afford it in the sense of whacking it on the credit card and paying it off in a couple of months rather than straight away...

My dad actually sent the money before we were certain that OH's current position would end in the summer...so it wasn't like "Oh, Mr. SHA is out of a job, best send some charity"

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BrockAuLit · 06/05/2015 03:05

As for whether you would be unreasonable for making him be the one who feels shit, I can't really see it in those terms. You never want to have to choose like this. You need to work on bringing him round to seeing sense (that you staying does not = him being a higher earner/better provider). If he fails to see this then he is being wholly unreasonable. At that point you must decide whether you will pander to him, or let him sulk at home alone. Only you will know what you would be prepared to do. It's not really a question of reasonableness; I can imagine relationships where both outcomes might be entirely reasonable.

BrockAuLit · 06/05/2015 03:13

Yes. It does sound emotional. Yours are straightforward, his seem more complex. I think this is what you need to work on: you need to get a handle on, and help him get a handle on his anxieties and his pridefulness (!). We all go through ups and downs in life, the key is learning to ride them, not prevent them or hide from them. This trip to your family is hitting nerve for him. I would be finding that nerve and dealing with it reassuringly.

BrockAuLit · 06/05/2015 03:15

Yes, it does sound emotional. Yours are quite straightforward, his more complex. I think this is what you need to work on; the trip to your family is clearly hitting a nerve and creating anxieties (manifesting as pridefulness). I would be finding that nerve and helping him deal with it. You can both come out of this the better for having gone through this process.

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 03:15

Well, he feels by going I am accepting the money and therefore showing/proving to my parents that he is not a provider.

I see your point, that not going doesn't mean he is a good provider (and, to be fair, he is - it just happens that he is at a point in his career which is tricky to negotiate and has fallen at precisely the wrong time for my plans!) but it's the demonstration of this not providing that will make him feel crap, if you see what i mean.
He feels, we can't afford it so I shouldn't go.
I feel that I should be able to accept my dad's gift and go happily.
He - OH - has admitted that he would do the same for our kids in my dad's place and also that his parents have sent money for the kids/investments rather than trips as they know he wouldn't want that kind of handout.

I know the handout/gift from my dad is something he is happy to provide and happy to be able to provide.

As I say, I think we are at an impasse in terms of getting him to see what I see as sense. He feels I can't see his point of view.

I want to just book it and go but he will see that as me saying "f*ck you, I am going anyway" when it's not that as then I would have booked ages ago!!!
It's more - well, on balance, I think the level of happiness that will be brought to a relatively large number of people outweighs the kick his pride will have to take (and maybe his parents/mum tutting about me swanning off to see my family while poor OH is unemployed but feck her!) .

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BrockAuLit · 06/05/2015 03:15

Weird!! Thought the first one was gone - at least the message is consistent across both posts!

BrockAuLit · 06/05/2015 03:19

I think the last sentence is quite fair enough. You've reached an impasse, he won't see his churlishness, you will not pander to it. You're not being vindictive or cruel or rubbing it in; you've weighed up the pros and cons and decided to go. Hopefully he will see sense and maybe even decide to come with you.

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 03:20

just saw your other posts about emotion.
Yes, it is hitting a nerve for him. We had a massive row about it a month or so ago so we have both just let it lie since then but it's coming to potential booking time so I raised it gently today.
Neither of us has budged in our views since the big row but we have budged in trying to talk rationally and gently rather than bitterly and loudly!
He is NOT good at recognising when his motives are driven by emotion, would swear blind he is logical and rational even when he's not.
He keeps trying to argue the "we can't afford it" but that's irrelevant when it was a gift so the nub is not wanting to accept more money from my dad (there is history there too, my dad did not take well to our engagement but has made every effort to be accepting and welcoming since) having already accepted - for the sake of our kids - the money for the house.
He feels accepting money from my dad now for anything other than something we NEED (like if we needed money for medical treatment for the kids or whatever) is not fair of me to ask him.

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Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 03:22

Thanks so much for talking this through, Brock (cool name, by the way).

I do think I am being sort of fair in how I have weighed things but was wondering if people (and maybe the morning people will?!) would think that I should choose my husband's feelings at this vulnerable time over seeing my family.

But then, this vulnerable time for him is tough for all of us....

I'd be very surprised if he came and a perfectly fine with him not coming. We do quite well with a little break from each other like that!

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BrockAuLit · 06/05/2015 03:26

Oh boy - it's spooky how similar our deity actions are!

If you're dealing with someone who only acts on / through his emotions, you have no choice but to do what you consider to be The Right Thing, and then stand by it. It will be a matter of time before he sees this (probably when he is distracted by his next successes).

The history explains why he might feel his pride would be hurt by accepting the gift. But still. Your parents have a right to see you and your DC, and damage to his pride doesn't really come into it. He needs to face the facts: without this gift, your DCs will not be seeing their maternal family.

BrockAuLit · 06/05/2015 03:27

Our deity actions?! Our situations!

Fx the morning crowd see it your way!

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 03:45

I was confused by deity actions!

Yes, I think he will get a job and then not feel so bad about this and then, hopefully, see his folks in the winter/next year and even that score a bit.

Hope I do get a good reaction from morning crowd...

Sorry to hear you've been in similar situations. I guess this is the hard bit of marriage.

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icklekid · 06/05/2015 04:26

Could it be a loan that you repay ASAP when you can afford it? (Eat out less at home to save?) With the reason for going now being your sister and the summer holidays?

ColdCottage · 06/05/2015 05:31

Go. Life is short. He will get over it and you can never get time back.

HolgerDanske · 06/05/2015 06:17

IMO family is more important than your husband's pride.

Life is short - too short in many cases - and you should go and see them.

AlternativeTentacles · 06/05/2015 06:47

See, if you are the main breadwinner then i see this as about you and your family being more able than him and his family, rather than just him.

However, he needs to swallow that pride for the sake of his family's health and well being.

Eastpoint · 06/05/2015 07:01

I think you should go and see your family. Yes it's a shame neither of you are earning money but your parents sending money is simply them being kind. Would he not want to pay for your children to come and visit you when they are adults? Will he never help your own children out?

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