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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to travel to see my family with money given by my Dad?

62 replies

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 02:14

Will try to be as brief as possible while also giving sufficient detail here!

My husband and our two kids live far away from both our families and have done for the last 4 years. We never lived close to his family but saw them each year we were married before we moved here to Canada.
We saw my family more frequently as we lived much closer to them. We are still closer to them - transAtlantic flight of 6 hours or so compared to about 23 hours of travel to get to his family. Due to this, we have still managed to see my family each year (though sometimes just me and the kids travelling) while we have only seen his parents once - they travelled here and stayed for 6 weeks.

My sister is having a baby this year and my dad has given me money to help pay for me and my kids and husband (if he wants) to come and see them and have a holiday. My husband wants me to decline the money/not take the trip because it makes him feel like a loser who can't provide. He swallowed his pride to accept a gift of money to help us buy her home and feels he shouldn't be asked and can't swallow his pride for this "unnecessary" travel/reason. I, naturally, really really want to see my family and my sister and her baby and I don't think I can put his pride on this matter before my urge to see them all. I also know that the kids would, of course, enjoy it all and my parents would love it and that OH would, if he let himself, enjoy the couple of weeks to himself if he stayed here.

He is having a tough time in that he has to find a new job and has had bad news about his parents' financial situation recently which is making this an even more bitter pill for him to swallow but I can't get my head around him not swallowing the pill.
He has said he won't stop us from going but I know he wants me to not go by choice and I don't think I can. Not without being very bitter.

So, AIBU to go? I can't help feeling more people would be made happy by me going than would be made unhappy by me not....

OP posts:

Toooldtobearsed · 07/05/2015 06:51

Would it make a difference if your parents bought you the flight tickets as an early birthday/Christmas/Anniversary present?

SwedeDreams · 07/05/2015 06:58

Maybe you can point out that as a father he would no doubt want to pay for things such as this for his children when they are grown, and it would not reflect anything other than his wish to see them?

Bunbaker · 07/05/2015 07:14

I think you should go. As has already been pointed out, life is short and you don't know what is round the corner. Is your husband from a culture where the man must be the provider?

He needs to understand that this isn't about his pride but about you seeing your family. Does he realise that he will come across as the bad guy to your family and give them another reason to resent him?

LineRunner · 07/05/2015 07:16

Bloody hell, OP, I'd not only go but be tempted to stay there.

Jenny70 · 07/05/2015 07:20

I think you should go, hopefully with DH. I know that parents who are financially secure ENJOY having the pleasure of treating their children to things that are out of the reach of most people. What is the point of them having funds if they can't spend it on what they want? And giving loved ones a trip sounds a lovely way to use their money - not at all charity/pride affecting.

There is no shame in not "providing" an overseas holiday, he and you together work to put a roof over your heads, food on the table and fun expenses closer to home. But to travel with children is a big expense, and a luxury at that.

Your DH needs to put his feelings to the side, it isn't about his earning capacity, your earning capacity (does he feel bad YOU can't pay for the trip with your earnings?), his family's finances, it's about spending time together (especially with new baby in the family) while everyone is well and able to enjoy it.

Bunbaker · 07/05/2015 08:32

"There is no shame in not "providing" an overseas holiday"

Your husband needs to understand this

Grapejuicerocks · 07/05/2015 09:00

Rather your family see him as not providing, rather than a dickhead for not letting you go when they have facilitated it.

It's a present to you. Are presents not allowed any more?

Grapejuicerocks · 07/05/2015 09:01

Whose idea was it to go to Canada anyway?

AyeAmarok · 07/05/2015 11:32

Oh God. I'm sorry but he is being ridiculous!

Of course you should go and see your sister and her new baby, and the rest of your family.

He is either an absolute dick who is trying to isolate you from your family, or he has lost a grip on reality due to his sense of "pride". This ISN'T about him.

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 07/05/2015 11:35

Thanks again. Life is short and making the most of seeing people while you can is important, I agree.

So, I'll be booking and hoping he can see - eventually- that it would be wrong for me, the kids and my parents and siblings all to miss out on seeing each other for the sake of pride. I will also be hoping he gets a lovely exciting job pretty soon...

OP posts:

Nolim · 07/05/2015 11:37

Enjoy your visit op

SilverShadows · 07/05/2015 13:33

I would be pissed off if my husband tried to stop me seeing my family, especially for such an event as meeting my sisters new baby.
If it were going to cost you money with already stretched finances, then that is a different situation but in this case I'd be going.
In fact, I'd have booked already.

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