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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to travel to see my family with money given by my Dad?

62 replies

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 02:14

Will try to be as brief as possible while also giving sufficient detail here!

My husband and our two kids live far away from both our families and have done for the last 4 years. We never lived close to his family but saw them each year we were married before we moved here to Canada.
We saw my family more frequently as we lived much closer to them. We are still closer to them - transAtlantic flight of 6 hours or so compared to about 23 hours of travel to get to his family. Due to this, we have still managed to see my family each year (though sometimes just me and the kids travelling) while we have only seen his parents once - they travelled here and stayed for 6 weeks.

My sister is having a baby this year and my dad has given me money to help pay for me and my kids and husband (if he wants) to come and see them and have a holiday. My husband wants me to decline the money/not take the trip because it makes him feel like a loser who can't provide. He swallowed his pride to accept a gift of money to help us buy her home and feels he shouldn't be asked and can't swallow his pride for this "unnecessary" travel/reason. I, naturally, really really want to see my family and my sister and her baby and I don't think I can put his pride on this matter before my urge to see them all. I also know that the kids would, of course, enjoy it all and my parents would love it and that OH would, if he let himself, enjoy the couple of weeks to himself if he stayed here.

He is having a tough time in that he has to find a new job and has had bad news about his parents' financial situation recently which is making this an even more bitter pill for him to swallow but I can't get my head around him not swallowing the pill.
He has said he won't stop us from going but I know he wants me to not go by choice and I don't think I can. Not without being very bitter.

So, AIBU to go? I can't help feeling more people would be made happy by me going than would be made unhappy by me not....

OP posts:

Jengnr · 06/05/2015 07:04

Sorry but he is being a total bell about this.

He is worried he won't be seen as a 'provider'? Well he isn't a provider is he? You work and earn more than him and right now he isn't working at all. He's never been a provider and if he has a problem with that it's something he needs to square with himself without depriving you, your children and extended family of something that would make them all happy.

It appears to me he has a massive chip on his shoulder and he really needs to get over himself. Book te bloody holiday and give him the option of whether or not to get on the plane with you. If he wants to stay at home and wallow in misery so be it but he has no right to insist the rest of you do the same.

Nolim · 06/05/2015 07:12

I would go.

Branleuse · 06/05/2015 07:15

tell him that with all due respect darling, this one isnt about you. Youve got a great opportunity and youre not going to pass it up for the sake of his ego.

fiveacres · 06/05/2015 07:27

Gosh. I don't normally like to be overly harsh, but really - how inadequate is he, that he isolates you from your family because of his pride?

If he loves you, he will want you to go through your life surrounded by people who care about you and your wellbeing. A man who isolates you from people who do that - regardless of reasons - and I must say that this is not a 'good" one, in my book - is a man to be wary of.

What's he like in other respects?

petalsandstars · 06/05/2015 07:35

I'd go. He's being selfish.

MythicalKings · 06/05/2015 07:40

He is being Very, Very unreasonable.

Of course you should go and see the new baby and give the family he chance to see your DCs. Let him stay home and sulk if he wants to. Selfish git.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 06/05/2015 07:41

Loan structured in such a way that it is genuinely a good investment for your dad. (Ie earns him more interest than the probably paltry amount he is getting in the bank at the moment.)

Set it up over a longish term so that you can afford the payments each month even if your dh doesn't get a job for a while but put a clause in saying that you can repay early if you want. Then when your dh gets a good job - which you have faith he will - then he can prove he is a good provider by paying your parents back. At the moment you know, he knows and they know he isn't providing because you can't afford to go and see your baby niece!

Generally I am very anti going into debt for anything other than a mortgage but a baby is only a baby for a very short time.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 06/05/2015 07:47

I am confused. If your dad sent the money prior to him knowing about your dh's job situation, how could it possibly be seen as a handout or as a slight than he cannot provide? Your dad sent the money because he wanted you to take a specific holiday to see your family and as most families have only limited holiday funds, he didn't want to "take over" your finances by asking you to visit. IMO the money was simply a gift that he likely would have given regardless of your financial situation. Your dh needs to quit taking everything personally - he seems rather immature.

TendonQueen · 06/05/2015 08:07

I would go. My DH wouldn't want me to miss out on something that would make me happy because he couldn't pay for it himself. And you can point out to him that this isn't about being materialistic and wanting stuff, it's about spending time with loved ones and it's important for that reason. He seems very hung up on the provider thing. If you're a team, who paid for what shouldn't matter.

cingolimama · 06/05/2015 10:16

I think some posters on here have been extremely harsh about OP's DH. It's completely shit not having a job, it's totally guilt inducing (failure) and it can make you a bit batshit crazy. A little more empathy and a little less talk about male ego would be good.

However, OP I think you should definitely take the money and go and see your family. I don't think you should convert it to a loan - it's silly and pointless and certainly not in the spirit of generosity that your parents offered.

But I think you need a serious, loving and gentle talk with your DH. Tell him how much this means to you and the kids, and that you hope he'll come along too. Tell him you know things will turn around for him soon, and when they do, then you'll start saving in earnest to visit his family.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 06/05/2015 10:48

You should definitely go - your DH will get over it. Your parents are lucky to be in a financially secure situation, and just want to see their daughter and GC. Ask your DH to put himself in your DF's shoes - surely your DF will feel more negatively towards your DH if he is the reason you don't go home to see your family than if you accept what your DH is interpreting as a hand out?

If he's really unable to suck it up, maybe do what a PP said and badge it as a loan, to be paid back when you're more financially stable?

Either way, you must go - it's not fair that you and your DC have to miss out because your DH is playing the 1950s-style 'provider-pride' card.

IPokeBadgers · 06/05/2015 10:59

You should go and see your family. If he cant be gracious about this, well, I'm with you on this: he is being massively unfair.

The grown up options are: [1] He can go with good grace [2] stay at home with good grace but send you and that kids off to go and enjoy the time with family.

I think he needs to realise that it is massively unfair for you and the children to miss out on this because he is being chippy about it. I appreciate that job/money worries are shit, and he feels low and inadequate, and you will need to treat him with kindness on that matter, but to my mine, he has a really skewed mentality about this issue.

Can you make the point to him that the fact that this money came from your dad as a gift for this specific purpose sort of frees you both up to start saving "your own" money to put towards a visit to his family?

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 11:39

Oh wow, I am so glad everyone agrees with me!
I do feel this is not about him and he's not seeing the bigger picture of the people involved and I agree that my dad/parents are way more likely to think negatively of him if I don't go 'cause of his pride rather than for him being in the unfortunate position of not earning lots right now.
He is not generally controlling or nasty or anything!

OP posts:

whois · 06/05/2015 11:45

I agree with what everyone else has written.

This wasn't a Lin act of charity, you could out IT as your dad 'selfishly' (I know it's not!) wants you all to visit and is prepared to pay for that to happen. Your DH has already admitted he'd feel the same way about his children.

You can't in all good fIth keep the money and spend it on something else.

Agree a gentle and loving talk is the way forward, and really spell out how much this means to you.

And if he still doesn't get it, he's being an arse.

OnlyLovers · 06/05/2015 11:52

I'd hate it if my DP were this pig-headed; it sounds like real old-fashioned male pride.

I think he should accept the money graciously as the generous present it was. I don't know how you get that across/get him to see that without it turning into a shouting match, sorry, because I'm not very good at doing reasonable. But I'm sure you are.

HazleNutt · 06/05/2015 13:21

He is totally unreasonable and childish. Doesn't see him as a provider - well he isn't, is he? I sometimes pay for my parents' plane tickets, I would be baffled if one of them threw a strop and refused to come because it's my money. It's a present, not charity.

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 14:16

Ha! onlylovers, we had a shouting match a few weeks ok so we have both let the dust settle but I raised it again yesterday as I want to book soon.

I think I will go down the "I love you but I can't deprive myself, our kids and their grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins of seeing each other this year because of your pride. Life is too short not to accept this opportunity. If there's anything I can do to make it easier, let me know"

OP posts:

whatlifestylechoice · 06/05/2015 14:35

I would be going with "get the fuck over yourself" personally, but your way is probably better for marital relations.

OnlyLovers · 06/05/2015 14:36

whatlifestyle

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 14:39

whatlifestyle Well, yes, that is what is in my head, frankly but I just wondered, when my own mum was starting to say "well, if it's too much for him.." if I was being a steam roller.

I think I am being a steam roller who has assessed the situation and deemed it the best way to go.

OP posts:

teatowel · 06/05/2015 14:46

Life is far ,far too short not to take the opportunity to see people you love. It is an absolute no brainner, you accept

BarbarianMum · 06/05/2015 14:47

My PiL recently offered us money to help with some work that needs doing around the house. I was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea so dh turned it down on our behalf. I think it's pretty crap not just to ignore his feelings but then to get cross that he won't fall into line.

You've made it quite clear where he stands in this case. Maybe now's the time to just get on with it quietly rather than insisting he sees things your way?

^^This is not being very understanding btw, it's emotional blackmail.

Original poster

ShitHotAwesome · 06/05/2015 15:00

my mum was NOT doing emotional blackmail - she was being understanding about it and totally means what she said, it wasn't her who mentioned her heart breaking a bit but I, obviously, know it would break her heart a little because she's my mum and I know how she feels about seeing us. My mum has been so careful and tried so hard not to be a nightmare MIL to any of the spouses to the extent that she sometimes steps a little further back than I would like, I think.

As for me ignoring his feelings, well, he is ignoring my feelings also if you want to put it that way. It's an emotional thing - his feeling crap about accepting money vs. me missing out on time with my family and meeting my sister's baby.

I think you are right, though, the time has come to get on with it quietly as I don't think he can see it my way just as I can't see how he would feel his feelings (as I see it) should trump mine and my family's urge to see each other.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 07/05/2015 06:22

if it was jaunting off on a jolly holiday i could see his point, but a family visit is a completely different scenario.

19lottie82 · 07/05/2015 06:46

Wow. Your husband is being a selfish prat. Full stop.

Go. Without a shadow of a doubt.

My mums best friend (59) who was a total health freak, went to the doctors with constipation. Turns out she had terminal cancer. 6 weeks later she was dead.

Not a nice story, but my point is, life is short and we don't know what's around the corner. Take very opportunity to spend time with your family and loved ones.

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