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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that DH went behind my back...

78 replies

MrsSandraDee · 05/05/2015 12:27

On Mother's Day? Weird title! I'm extremely new but was guided here by a friend.

BG: have dated my DH for 5 years, married two years later. My relationship with PIL was okay, went to family outings, saw them regularly and was friendly enough but when I had our first DC back in December MIL became particularly over bearing as the story goes.

Some examples I had asked that no one come to the hospital the first day so that I could recover from my C section and so that DH/I could bond with DC, and also for me to get the hang of BFing MIL completely ignored that and came up to the hospital straight after DC was born, I was in a private room so they rang ahead to ask if MrsSandraDee's DH's mother could come up. I told DH to tell her no, that she was already told no so he went to talk to her and eventually. Once we finally got home MIL wanted to come up that day, I said no I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep as DC had latch problems and I had hardly slept, a few minutes later I get a call from FIL saying that "We're going to come up and see DC." In my shocked and tired state I agreed and quickly hung up, when they came I admit I was childish and brought DC upstairs for a feed and a nap because I felt forced into the visit. So basically from that MIL has been stepping over boundaries for me, calling herself mommy and FIL daddy, not respecting my parenting choices and basically saying she'll do what she wants with DC, posting pictures on Facebook without asking and labelling DC as hers, coming to the house without calling ahead and staying for hours on end, assuming she'll be babysitting and crying/running to DH/FIL when I've told her she won't be. Demanding I express so she can have alone time with DC, crying to DH that I'm keeping her away from DC, that I'm an evil bitch ect DH is completely useless as he's a mommys boy. So we see them once a week which is more than enough for me and I think is fair since DH never saw his grandparents every week.

So as you can see bad blood and something's are just petty and yes I understand grandparents being excited but I really don't trust PILs now so when my first Mother's Day rolled around with DC I thought it was sweet that DH let me sleep in and had presents and such. Later on Facebook MIL had posted a photo with DH, BIL and DC gushing about how great her Mother's Day was with the "3 most important men in her life her sons"...I was furious and confronted DH, who for a good hour lied to me about bringing DC to MIL while I was sleeping before finally admitting he had. I'm gutted because it was my first Mother's Day with DC even with DC being a baby it felt special to me and the other fact that DH knew after everything that has went on with his parents still went behind my back to make her happy.

Completely ready to be told I'm BU and precious but I'd still like to know the majority Grin

OP posts:
OhNoNotMyBaby · 05/05/2015 12:31

YANBU. Your DH needs to man up and understand that you and the baby are his priorities now - not his parents. It sounds like he just hasn't cut the apron strings. What you say and what you want should take precedence over what the ILs want.

I think you will have to be firm about this. Don't apologise about it, don't get cross or upset, just take control firmly and calmly and make it clear that you - and your DH - agree the rules together, and then present them to the ILs as a couple.

Reginafalangie · 05/05/2015 12:32

YANBU.

Cut contact immediately they sound toxic and will make your life miserable.

Original poster
MrsSandraDee · 05/05/2015 12:34

I'd love to do that, OhNo, but DH doesn't see anything wrong with their behaviour or his own. Though I've pointed out if he thought what eh did was fine then why did he lie to me about it....might be the fact that I have a massive temper on me Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSandraDee · 05/05/2015 12:36

Regina even the mention of no contact sets DH off as his parents have "done nothing wrong" and are "innocent" Hmm It feels like this is going to come down to his parents or the family he has with me now which is a painful choice yes but I'm failing to see what else to do

OP posts:
shewept · 05/05/2015 12:36

Can you clarify how old was dc when mil and fail saw the baby?

shewept · 05/05/2015 12:38

Mil and fil not fail

CapnMurica · 05/05/2015 12:38

She refers to your son as her son?! Fricken wierd, and I expect everyone else would see that too!

YANBU to be wary of your MIL but really it's your husband who is the problem. Clearly he has no backbone at all when it comes to his mother.

PtolemysNeedle · 05/05/2015 12:40

I don't think he did anything wrong by taking the baby to visit his mum while you were sleeping. You were alseep, it made no difference to you ex pet that you wanted to be in control, but your baby is your DHs as well and him taking the baby to see your evil mil without you sounds like the perfect plan tbh.

On the other stuff, your DH does need to set clearer boundaries and prevent his mother from upsetting you, but at the same time, you aren't doing yourself any favours by trying to control absolutely everything.

Mother's Day was ages ago, are you still bringing this incident up with your DH, because I can't see how that's going to help?

Shinyshoes2 · 05/05/2015 12:40

But you were asleep and dh has a mother too ... What was he supposed to do whilst you were asleep ? He saw his mother on Mother's Day and was you got to see your child when you woke up
I don't see what the big deal is
And you've got a massive temper Hmm
Seriously ?!
You need to calm down ...

Maybe83 · 05/05/2015 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ihavenonameonhere · 05/05/2015 12:42

Well he feels the need to lie due to your controlling behaviour

Pooseyfrumpture · 05/05/2015 12:44

You don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

ivykaty44 · 05/05/2015 12:45

Yabu and petty, for goodness sake what was wrong with a man taking his DC to see his mother? What would have been wrong with grandparents taking a peek at their new grandchild.

One day your dil may be mean to you, and think how would you like it?

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2015 12:45

She sounds weird calling your child her son.

You sound controlling with regards to your son.

Why do you get to make the rules and your DH has to suck them up?

Lymmmummy · 05/05/2015 12:46

You said it yourself DH is a useless mummy's boy - problem lies with him a lot more than her - you need to be very clear with him that you have boundaries and you expect him to enforce them with MIL -

God knows I have myself been around this type of situation for many years and for the first few years I actually felt sorry for DH - but as time went on I realised he was deliberately letting MIL away with murder and sort of hoping I was just going to put up with it - or pretending it would be impossible for him to mention certain boundaries to her "because that's the way she is" or "that's how people are from x " - all too often leaving me to deliver all the difficult messages whilst he remained out of sight - and therefore in MIL eyes he remained blameless whilst I could be the focus for her anger at certain decisions - luckily my foot had been put down just before we had DC - and I never looked back

it could be different in your case but I really think you should question your husbands role and responsibility in all of this - and you need to protect yourself - feels like you are taking all the strain of the worry but is he really considering your feelings?

Jackieharris · 05/05/2015 12:47

You know what, in the long run its going to be easier and better for you and your dc to have a good relationship with pils.

Yes she's quite overbearing, but it's not done out of malice.

Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

letscookbreakfast · 05/05/2015 12:47

Having a massive temper isn't something to shout about, I think YABU and that your problem is not with your MIL.

theendoftheendoftheend · 05/05/2015 12:48

You were asleep, so hardly missing out yourself. No odds to you really.
Of course your DH went behind your back, what else could he do.
How much your DH saw his GP as a child is irrelevant. You should try to remember your DS is HIS DS also.

PotteringAlong · 05/05/2015 12:52

I'm hoping you're Australian and this was last weekend rather than something you've been dwelling on for months.

RinkRashDerbyKisses · 05/05/2015 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2015 12:54

In fact your posts are mostly filled with I said this, I said that, I said no etc.

Then you admit to having a 'massive temper' that might have caused your DH to lie to you, about simply taking his Son to see his Mother on Mother's Day.

I'd say it's pretty clear that he doesn't agree to all these rules you're imposing, but that he's probably too scared to say so.

shewept · 05/05/2015 12:59

Apart from her referring to the baby as hers (are you sure she meant hers rather than her grandchild) and questioning your parenting, I think yabu.

I don't understand people who ban pils from seeing their new babies for a few days, it doesn't take a lot to let them look in. You said yourself it was childish to remove the baby from the room when they visited, so you did it to upset them.

Why would you tell her she isn't babysitting? Are you seriously saying she will never babysit, ever?

As for the Mothers day thing, you are totally unreasonable. Its mothers day, not new mothers day. He took his child to see his mum, while you were asleep. It made no difference to you as you were asleep. The fact that DH lied to you, suggests you are quite controlling.

It does come acr0oss as though you are trying your best to keep them away from your ds.

shewept · 05/05/2015 12:59

Apart from her referring to the baby as hers (are you sure she meant hers rather than her grandchild) and questioning your parenting, I think yabu.

I don't understand people who ban pils from seeing their new babies for a few days, it doesn't take a lot to let them look in. You said yourself it was childish to remove the baby from the room when they visited, so you did it to upset them.

Why would you tell her she isn't babysitting? Are you seriously saying she will never babysit, ever?

As for the Mothers day thing, you are totally unreasonable. Its mothers day, not new mothers day. He took his child to see his mum, while you were asleep. It made no difference to you as you were asleep. The fact that DH lied to you, suggests you are quite controlling.

It does come across as though you are trying your best to keep them away from your ds.

redskybynight · 05/05/2015 12:59

So if DH had said in advance "You have a lie in on Mothers' Day. I'll just pop round to my mums while you're in bed, then I get to see her, she gets to see me and her DGC and you don't have to see my mother who you detest at all" - What would you have said?

youmakemydreams · 05/05/2015 12:59

I say this in the nicest possible way but yabu.
Your mil does sound overbearing that I agree but you sound like you are trying too hard to control far too much. I say this as someone who did exactly the same. My exmil was shall we say a tad over excited when my pfb dd was born. I reacted to this by being far too controlling and very unreasobable at times. I can see this now with hindsight and two more children. I now have a great relationship with her. She calmed down a bit and I calmed down a lot and learnt to let things go and really not sweat the small stuff.