To be furious that DH went behind my back...

[MrsSandraDee]

On Mother's Day? Weird title! I'm extremely new but was guided here by a friend.

BG: have dated my DH for 5 years, married two years later. My relationship with PIL was okay, went to family outings, saw them regularly and was friendly enough but when I had our first DC back in December MIL became particularly over bearing as the story goes.

Some examples I had asked that no one come to the hospital the first day so that I could recover from my C section and so that DH/I could bond with DC, and also for me to get the hang of BFing MIL completely ignored that and came up to the hospital straight after DC was born, I was in a private room so they rang ahead to ask if MrsSandraDee's DH's mother could come up. I told DH to tell her no, that she was already told no so he went to talk to her and eventually. Once we finally got home MIL wanted to come up that day, I said no I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep as DC had latch problems and I had hardly slept, a few minutes later I get a call from FIL saying that "We're going to come up and see DC." In my shocked and tired state I agreed and quickly hung up, when they came I admit I was childish and brought DC upstairs for a feed and a nap because I felt forced into the visit. So basically from that MIL has been stepping over boundaries for me, calling herself mommy and FIL daddy, not respecting my parenting choices and basically saying she'll do what she wants with DC, posting pictures on Facebook without asking and labelling DC as hers, coming to the house without calling ahead and staying for hours on end, assuming she'll be babysitting and crying/running to DH/FIL when I've told her she won't be. Demanding I express so she can have alone time with DC, crying to DH that I'm keeping her away from DC, that I'm an evil bitch ect DH is completely useless as he's a mommys boy. So we see them once a week which is more than enough for me and I think is fair since DH never saw his grandparents every week.

So as you can see bad blood and something's are just petty and yes I understand grandparents being excited but I really don't trust PILs now so when my first Mother's Day rolled around with DC I thought it was sweet that DH let me sleep in and had presents and such. Later on Facebook MIL had posted a photo with DH, BIL and DC gushing about how great her Mother's Day was with the "3 most important men in her life her sons"...I was furious and confronted DH, who for a good hour lied to me about bringing DC to MIL while I was sleeping before finally admitting he had. I'm gutted because it was my first Mother's Day with DC even with DC being a baby it felt special to me and the other fact that DH knew after everything that has went on with his parents still went behind my back to make her happy.

Completely ready to be told I'm BU and precious but I'd still like to know the majority

I can see both sides to this.
She wanted to meet her new grandchild and was excited to meet them. Imagine it being your son, you'd want to meet them as soon as possible. I think your dh should have handled it better though, a short quick visit then a 'we need to bond' might have been better than a 'your not welcome'.

Also, of course your dh should see his mum on Mother's Day. But again he should have spoken to you about it.

Calling your DC hers - weird.
Mummy and daddy thing - weird.
Your DH lying - unacceptable, absolutely unacceptable.

My oh goes for the least line of resistance, he tries to keep everyone happy but upsets everyone!! He'll not mention things as he knows it will cause an argument, but when found out its obviously 10 times worse.

You need to discuss acceptable and not acceptable with your DH, find a middle ground and both STICK to it

I suppose because this DC is the most longed for PFB that we've went through hell and high water to conceive. I don't ban them from seeing DC, they see him once a week, it's when they force visits and come up constantly when they're told no. When I got out of hospital I was exhausted and in pain from my c section, all I wanted to do was sleep but they still came after being told no, they could come the next day.

Yes I understand Mother's Day is for mothers so of course DH can see his mother but my DC is not her son. The Mother's Day issue also comes front MIL calling DC "her baby" and "her son" and calling herself mommy. To me taking DC her just enforces that mindset with her and steps on my toes, DH could have stayed with her to her hearts content since yes he is her son but my DC is not her son.

When it comes to babysitting I was always under the impression that if you weren't comfortable with a care giver that you didn't have to let them sit? Since DC isn't a form of entertainment for them. She's disregarded every parenting choice I've made in favour of her own which I find completely disrespectful. She's old school on discipline methods and favoured hitting DH, his brother and sister which I don't agree with but she swears by and argues with me if I say no. She doesn't agree with BFing and finds it "disgusting" and has bought formula to give to me, which she did up until a few weeks ago when she was told to stop.

You hit the nail on the head. Your DC is not hers she has no right to dictate to you how you parent your child.

She sounds like a pain in the arse to me!

If you know your DH wont stand up to his mother on issues such as smacking and BFing/food choices then you will have to.

No need to lose your temper. Just ensure DC is not left alone at their house, or left alone with them at yours.

I don't understand this great panic on MN about 'what will you do for babysitters if you cant use GPS!?'. I never needed GPs to babysit. The few occasions when DH and i wanted to go out together while DCs were very young we'd ask one of my friends or a different member of the family. (This was because neither sets of GPs were keen on baby sitting.)

Yep, apart from the frankly very weird calling him hers, you are being entirely unreasonale and now to than a bit controlling. Did your DM come to the hospital?

I think you MIL, while over bearing, knows you are trying your best to push her out. I think you are both unreasonable.

but my DC is not her son

no he is your dhs son. I visit my MIL on mothers days, she isn't my mum. You can not tell you dh that he can not take his child to his mothers, especially when it doesn't affect you.

When it comes to babysitting I was always under the impression that if you weren't comfortable with a care giver that you didn't have to let them sit?

But why would you say she is never babysitting? Why not just avoid the subject? If it absolutely had to be discussed right then, DH should be telling her and telling her why. It sounds like you have gone out of your way to make sure she knows.

I think you and your MIL are very alike. You are both trying to control your dh.

I'm extremely new but was guided here by a friend your friend has done an excellent job of guiding you - you're very up on the lingo for someone extremely new.

PIL woes.
BF disgusting.
Physical punishment.

Do the PILs smoke? Vote right wing? Have strong opinions on wohm/sahm?

Toxic and no contact. Definitely.

I never needed GPs to babysit.

there is a massive difference between not needing them to babysit and telling them they are never going to be allowed to.

I have no intention of stopping them seeing DC, like I've said they see him every week, more than my own parents. DC is only 4 months so I don't need or want him going for overnight stays. Ive told DH that I'm going to talk to MIL about all of this but it blew up, like when I told her to stop bringing tins of formula so DH blows a fuse when it's mentioned.

No lavender my DM wasn't with me, none of my family were at the hospital or in the delivery room with DH and I. After the c section I decided I wasn't up for visitors, I just wanted rest and time to get BFing established.

I suppose it depends how you see Mother's Day, my dc's grand parents get presents from them as well as me / OH. I just think its a nice thing to do. It really sounds like your DH is trying to please everyone and pissing everyone off. He should have talked to you to tell you his plans (he shouldn't have to ask) then you put your objections across and somewhere you compromise.

Also OP, Mothers Day was 2 months ago. You are still upset that dh took his child to his mothers, while you were asleep almost 8 weeks ago?

If he knows you are going to throw a massive temper tantrum because he made a decision, then i can see why he found it easier to lie. He shouldn't have done, but faced with someone having a tantrum, I can see why he thought it was easiest.

If you don't trust them then don't let them babysit.

They have gone against your wishes more than once. The bringing of formula, the FB pictures after you asked them not to, the visiting unannounced even though you asked them not to.

I will never understand people that think that G/Parents should overrule the parents. It is not their child therefore they have no say.

She, I didn't visit my own mother on Mother's Day nor did she ask to come down. I wasn't stopping DH seeing MiL, it was the fact that it was the first Mother's Day for me and DC and MIL got to see DC before even I did and that was only because DH let me sleep on in order to take DC which I thought was incredibly sneaky and lying about it after didn't help. I have "gone out of my way to make sure she knows" because she texts and calls me every damn say asking to babysit when I've said I don't need it, that DC is only 4 months and I'm not ready to let him go over night

Down I googled mumsnet lingo and found a page of translation! I'm still looking at it for advice though. FIL doesn't believe in SAHMs, thinks it's a drain on society so our views clashed when I expressed how I would have liked that. MIL is a social smoker, only smokes when she's out with friends but has the occasional smoke when she's in the house.

Your DH was not unreasonable to take his son to visit his mother on Mothers Day. Look on the bright side, at least he didn't try to make you go too!

Your MIL sounds like a fucking nightmare but falling out with your DH over the Mothers Day thing will make it difficult to get him on side with the issues that you do need to tackle.

She sounds a nightmare but you also sound very controlling as well.

Your DH gets a say in what happen to his DC, even if you don't always agree. You aren't in charge.

Mothers day in a lot of countries is in May. America and Australia celebrate it on the 10th of May.

What country are you in OP?

Look, take my advice. Don't go to war with the inlaws unnecessarily. It never ends well and causes marriage problems.

Let the woman (who is no risk) dote on her grandson. She is obviously very proud and delighted to have one.

Refusing her hospital visit and home visit was imo a tad petty. I know you were poorly but it wasn't you she wanted to see.

If you keep all of this up, you will cause yourself a major headache and burn your emotional energy (months & months of it) on something avoidable.

If you don't want to visit mil, let your dh deal with it, let him take your son there or go out when they come to the house.

Your son is there to be loved and nurtured by all of his family. He isn't just yours and trying to act as though he only needs you is silly. He needs to develop loving relationships with his extended family to help him grow and achieve.

Assist in that process or continue as you are.......

You sound like a nightmare..

I have a great deal of sympathy for the Parents-in-law.

Sounds like your dh married a woman as determined to control everyone and have her own way as his mother is.

You two need joint therapy to repair really nasty communication system that you and Dh have become locked into. So that you stop making demands and pronouncements, and he stops feeling like lying by omission is a reasonable option.

Only then can the two of you deal with hiis mother's expectations.

I didn't read op as saying MIL claimed the son as hers. It just said that she labelled him as hers on Facebook.

That could easily be "my grandson" or "my little Tommy"

I won't call you unreasonable OP, as there are some minor issues that need ironing out, but the post does read a little that you have become very possessive (which is natural) and a little controlling. Mothers day incident was far from unreasonable and its starting to read that your husband is going behind your back because to avoid you kicking off over a minor thing.

As for the posters talking about toxic / non contact, over what's been written on that post!?!?!? That's barely a 2/10 on the toxic scale compared to some

Yanbu.
My dm and mil completely took over when I had my first dc. They ruined his first year with the constant butting in and shit advise.

The amount of times I woke up to find my baby missing because they had came into my house and taken him! In the end I lost it. I was pregnant with dc2 and they were discussing who was going into the labour ward with me. Bellends the pair of them.

"You didn't get to see your DC before anyone else did on mothers day". Awww diddums.

If it mattered that much you'd have got out of bed / had the DC sitting in bed with you.

As far as the birth goes, totally reasonable to spend time on your own before visitors, as long as the rules applied to both of your parents equally.

The mother's day thing though sounds totally fine. You got a lie in, he saw his mother on mothers day without you having to become involved in a big family thing. Why on earth would you be furious about that ? I really don't understand.

You sound a little insecure and controlling and as if you are looking out for problems and taking offense at absolutely everything. I often give my MIL pictures of my DH and our DC together without me. Her relationship with him is just as special as your relationship with your newborn son.

This must be very very hard work for your DH. If you care about him and your marriage you should think about picking battles and not forcing him to be torn between his mother and you, its totally unnecessary. Even if your MIL is a bit unhinged, there's no need to be princessy and childish on top!

Sounds like your DH married someone just like his mum.

From the outside I'd say you're both as irritating as each other and if you're not careful this tit for tat behaviour will drag on for years.