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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to wish for better communication with MIL

59 replies

helloelo · 04/05/2015 23:10

I've always found my MIL to be a charming, if quirky, lovely and loving person.
However we've recently had communication issue and I'd like to know if IABU or not and WWYD please.

It was agreed she would babysit our 3mo DS on Saturday pm for the first time.
Off we went to the cinema.
On our way back, I called asking if she needed something from the shops.
She replied to come back, the bottle didn't work, he had not slept, was crying and don't go to the shop, come back.
DH ran a few orange lights and we came back super anxious.

...

I ran upstairs to find MIL and DS perfectly happy.
I should have understood the bottle didn't work [DS spits a bit with his bottle - a Medela Calma he has to suck on to get bmilk - but ate the entire thing], he had not slept [apart from 2x90min in the 5hours we left which is normal considering there's new funny people to smile at], was crying [had just started to be grumpy] and don't go to the shop [because she didn't need anything], come back [whenever you get here].

WIBU to be in quite a state?
WWYD to improve the way I communicate with her?
We care about her and would like this event not to be the seed for future issues.

OP posts:

Griphook · 04/05/2015 23:21

That's some bad communication from her, I think you have to question her to get to the bottom of it and encourage her to use sentences and words!

PicaK · 05/05/2015 06:30

The first time you left him, he's 3 months old and you went for 5 hours and were planning to stay out longer?!
I think your mil communicated perfectly tbh.

AlternativeTentacles · 05/05/2015 06:34

When you called, was her voice anxious, calm, what? Did she use just thosse words, or actual sentences?

Penfold007 · 05/05/2015 06:38

Five plus hours is a long time to leave a three month old with what sounds like unfamiliar people. Babysitting someone's precious child especially for the first time can be daunting. Don't let this first time sour things, just explain re bottles and try again.

redexpat · 05/05/2015 06:38

Sounds ss if she doesnt know the baby very well, on this occasion id say it was her projecting her own anxiety.

shewept · 05/05/2015 06:38

Maybe she was anxious looking after him but had calmed knowing you were on your way back.

I wouldn't be looking for a way to improve communication based on one incident

I am confused though. You went out Saturday pm and he slept for 3 hours of the five you were gone? Is this a night? Because if it afternoon that sounds like more than enough.

And what did you see at the cinema that took 5 hours?

hesterton · 05/05/2015 06:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NerrSnerr · 05/05/2015 06:56

It sounds like she panicked a bit even though she had everything under control. To be fair, if she's not used to having a small baby a 5 hour stretch is a long time so maybe she was feeling a bit stressed.

Original poster

helloelo · 05/05/2015 07:18

Ok thanks for your thoughts, a bit of context.

It was not the first time DS was babysat, albeit not by MIL but he's had afternoons with my DGM and DM. He's 3mo and, at least where I live, most mums are back to work by now (not me though) so I don't understand the "he's too young to be babysat" comments

Her voice was anxious and she used exactly those words.

I think like shewept that she was projecting her anxiety but we're surprised as she's been babysitting 1yo DN 1-2/week and started when he was 3mo. She is used to babies.

Oh I rounded it up but 30min travel + 45min to get a drink, tickets and good seats + 2h30 movie + 30min travel... We were not sat in the car waiting for her to panick...

I'm not cross with her, DH is through, very much. I think it's better if we don't make a big deal of it and try again. But I'd like to be able to know if there's a problem that needs immediate action or not.

OP posts:

Balaboosta · 05/05/2015 07:23

Try again. I'd get anxious left alone with such a young baby. IF you want cool calm and collected pay a professional babysitter. And try to recognise your own (perfectly natural and understandable) anxiety. Yes, try again soon and keep working on it.

shewept · 05/05/2015 07:23

No one said he couldn't be babysat, people are surprised because it was 5 hours.
She may babysit other children. But your child is different and its her first time. I have 2 kids of my own, still get a bit nervous babysitting my baby niece.

Dh needs to calm down. You were gone quite a while and she was a bit stressed, not the end of the world.

shewept · 05/05/2015 07:27

Your question seems to have changed.

You wanted to know how to improve communication with mil when you deal with her, now asking if people think there might be a problem that needs immediate action.

How often is she likely to babysit? Does it need immediate action? Next time you want her to babysit just ask if she is happy to do it. If she says yes, then she is.

I am not sure I buy the fact that you are fine with but dh is very angry. I think you want to discuss this with her too.

tobysmum77 · 05/05/2015 07:28

You just called her at a bad time, live and let live. DH ibu.

LittleBairn · 05/05/2015 07:32

You DH is very unreasonable to be cross you were out for 5 hours before you were asked to come home talk about ungrateful!
The communication issue seemed to have come from you and your DH the bottle and naps should have been explained before you went out not after.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 05/05/2015 07:37

Sounds a bit like a mountain out of a molehill to me. Pretty sure there's no immediate problem that needs actioning. Sounds like she got a bit anxious after 5 hours with a tiny, relatively unknown baby (normal) and you called at the wrong time.
You still got your afternoon out (albeit without a trip to the shops), she babysat, baby is fine. What's the issue?

Yorkiebar123 · 05/05/2015 07:39

You are incredibly lucky to have family support and are coming across as very spoilt and ungrateful. You seem to lack any understanding that she may have found it stressful. I think the only thing you need to do is thank her profusely for babysitting. ( oh, and dangerous driving, brilliant, risking other children's lives for your sense of drama- get a grip)

Penfold007 · 05/05/2015 07:42

So MIL hasn't babysat your baby before and you are a SAHM. So he isn't used to routine babysitting and she was anxious. Her own son is now angry with her. Wonder if she will even want to sit for you again. Don't let this first babysitting event spoil your family's relationship with your MIL

shewept · 05/05/2015 07:52

Come on Op there is more to this isn't there.

Your baby is 3 months old and has been babysat at least 3 times. This one time your mil made you feel a little anxious, because she was anxious. Your dh is angry, you feel there is a communication problem that needs sorting then you say you want to know if the problem needs immediate action.

There is no problem, you have a good network of support and sounds like plenty of people to babysit, if you and dh don't want mil to do it. Is it the fact that she babysits another grandchild alot? Remember you probably wouldn't hear that she felt a bit anxious when looking after the other grandchild, because that Childs parents didn't make it such a big deal.

Original poster

helloelo · 05/05/2015 07:54

oh no sorry, I didn't mean to ask whether immediate action with MIL needed to ba taken or not. I meant I need to know if I need to come back urgently or not when she's babysitting.

OP posts:

Floisme · 05/05/2015 07:55

Had you told her how long you were likely to be gone? If not then she may well have expected you to be home from a film after about 3 hours. I'm not saying you should have got back sooner, just that communication works both ways.

Original poster

helloelo · 05/05/2015 07:58

I get the general idea of what you're saying. I maybe haven't worded clearly that I'm looking for ways to help her be comfortable. I know I have fab support and I have no issue at all with her apart from this event that made DH cross and me anxious but in perspective is small and negligible. IWBU. Thanks

OP posts:

shewept · 05/05/2015 07:58

Well then next time say 'we are on our way, is there an immediate problem. Is baby ok?' Or even 'we on our way, we will be 30 minutes.'

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 05/05/2015 08:02

Your dh ran the lights because your baby was crying whilst being babysat?

You are both over reacting massively and you both sound massively ungrateful.

You went out for too long IMO.

The only response to your MIL should be "I'm sorry you were worried. Thanks so much for babysitting. Here are some flowers".

ssd · 05/05/2015 08:04

I think leaving a baby that young with you MIL has unnerved her, but she wanted to help and probably was nervous the whole time she babysat.

Yarp · 05/05/2015 08:05

If the MIL was willing to babysit for that length of time, then the length of time is irrelevant. Just because it's not a choice you would make, don't try and guilt trip the OP

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