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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to wish for better communication with MIL

59 replies

helloelo · 04/05/2015 23:10

I've always found my MIL to be a charming, if quirky, lovely and loving person.
However we've recently had communication issue and I'd like to know if IABU or not and WWYD please.

It was agreed she would babysit our 3mo DS on Saturday pm for the first time.
Off we went to the cinema.
On our way back, I called asking if she needed something from the shops.
She replied to come back, the bottle didn't work, he had not slept, was crying and don't go to the shop, come back.
DH ran a few orange lights and we came back super anxious.

...

I ran upstairs to find MIL and DS perfectly happy.
I should have understood the bottle didn't work [DS spits a bit with his bottle - a Medela Calma he has to suck on to get bmilk - but ate the entire thing], he had not slept [apart from 2x90min in the 5hours we left which is normal considering there's new funny people to smile at], was crying [had just started to be grumpy] and don't go to the shop [because she didn't need anything], come back [whenever you get here].

WIBU to be in quite a state?
WWYD to improve the way I communicate with her?
We care about her and would like this event not to be the seed for future issues.

OP posts:

chairmeoh · 05/05/2015 08:09

I think you are accepting that you and DH have over reacted.

But to answer your question, perhaps next time you call her every few (convenient) hours. Then gradually reduce the number of times you call when you are out.

Make sure she feels confident to call you if she needs you.

When you called while on your way home, perhaps you should have stayed on the call chatting. Find out what the difficulties are and tell her over the phone about the bottle thing. Ask MIL to hold the phone to DS's ear so you could sing to him. And you would also have heard him not crying.

You'll soon get into a way that works for you all. Make sure she knows you are grateful and will be asking her to babysit again soon.

Original poster

helloelo · 05/05/2015 08:15

thanks a lot chair it's sound advice and exactly the sort of ideas I was looking for. It is just a communication issue on both parts and these tips will definitely help.

OP posts:

shewept · 05/05/2015 08:20

The only way she will be comfortable is either when she has done it a couple of times or the baby is older. I am not particularly comfortable with small babies. Even with my own, I looked forward to the end of the baby phase.

My mum is much more hands on now my kids are older. She loved it when me and dbro were babies, but as she got older she struggled more with young babies and toddlers. Now my youngest is 4 she takes him all over.

My mil wouldn't feel confident even now looking after them at all. I think that's fine. Some people are ok doing it, some people aren't. Mil actually lost one of her other grandchildren, which knocked her confidence. Niece escaped the house, so I am quite happy for mil not to babysit.

Original poster

helloelo · 05/05/2015 08:23

Thanks shewept and also I think there's a difference with how she is with DN versus DS because I'm not her DD and she knows me less iyswim

OP posts:

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 05/05/2015 08:23

To be honest if my mum had been babysitting my baby for that length of time and sounded even remotely anxious on the phone I would have come home out of fairness to her. I wouldn't have driven dangerously or anything, just made sure I went straight home to relieve her.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 05/05/2015 08:26

Ps I left my baby with my mum at 4 months as I was a bridesmaid. She phoned me in the afternoon (during the meal) as DD was crying and wouldn't take the bottle (she was bf but was usually ok with expressed milk). I told her to bring her up to where the wedding was and I breast fed her and calmed her down in another room, then mum took her away again. No angst, no reason to get annoyed at anyone, just one of those things with a small baby.

shewept · 05/05/2015 08:44

But she knows your dh surely.

How often does she see you baby?

Original poster

helloelo · 05/05/2015 08:51

She sees him every 10 days or so. Maybe it doesn't matter if it's DIL's or DH's baby, I genuinely don't know.

OP posts:

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 05/05/2015 09:08

What was your DH so annoyed about? Was it because she worried him, or because she made him cut his afternoon out short?

ssd · 05/05/2015 09:13

nobodies guilt tripping the op Yarp, she asked for opinions and got them.

Original poster

helloelo · 05/05/2015 09:25

DH was angry with MIL's communication. From what she said (exact words in OP), we thought she was in distress, DS wasn't fine and we needed to madly dash back.

We were already on our way back anyway and very grateful for the time off but she must have wondered why we looked so stressed out when we got back, herself was perfectly fine.

I'm not kidding, these were her exact words. Maybe as someone suggested, she calmed down after my call knowing we were on our way back, making chair's tips helpful for the future.

OP posts:

shewept · 05/05/2015 09:29

The only difference between a child being born to your son or daughter is the relationship.

I am very close to mum, I visit just to visit with or without the kids. She has my kids every couple of weeks.

Dbro doesn't visit or call etc and she only see his kids once a month when she goes to dbros. Dbro and wife are much closer to dbros mil. She sees them every week at least once.

To mum there is no difference in the grandkids, but there is a difference between mine and dbros relationship with mum, which obviously then has an impact on the kids.

shewept · 05/05/2015 09:33

But why is he angry? If a miscommunication makes him angry, that's his issue to sort.

That's the reason I think there is more to this. My dh wouldn't get mad over my mum because she mis-communicated something and he finds my mum a bit infuriating. But he loves her and knows she is a good nana, he would be maybe bewildered but not angry.

It was his choice to drive dangerously. Mil didn't say you child needed a doctor or anything. From her words I would have assumed it wasn't going well, but no imminent threat to the Childs well being. Not enough to drive in a way that is a risk to you and him.

Original poster

helloelo · 05/05/2015 09:39

Oh dear, I couldn't understand why everybody was commenting on dangerous driving and then I remembered. I don't live in the UK, orange lights are a suggestion to stop. For the 10th car behind. We drive the UK way usually but not that time.

OP posts:

Original poster

helloelo · 05/05/2015 09:41

But let's move on. Thank for your time and comments. Our reaction, hers, it's all a bit silly probably.

OP posts:

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 05/05/2015 09:43

You are hugely over-reacting, your DH even more so. You got to see the movie, your baby was fine. Thank your MIL profusely.

shewept · 05/05/2015 09:43

So why did you mention going through orange lights if its ok?

shewept · 05/05/2015 09:52

Well alls well that ends well. Tell dh to chill out. Thank mil and hope she hasn't picked up on dhs anger. If she has he needs to apologise. Good luck.

ssd · 06/05/2015 07:39

op, has you dh looked after his child by himself for a good few hours yet?

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 06/05/2015 08:25

I was back at work when DC was 3 months. I think 5 hours seems ok and about what it would take to travel and see a film. If you felt comfortable, why not. Plenty of my dfs had GPs looking after los overnight much earlier than 3 months.

We don't have any support and dc's GPs are uninterested. It's lovely for people to be involved and babysit but this would concern me. Her communication was shite, not sure there is another way to take it other than your original impression. Either she didn't really want to babysit or she'd had enough and wanted you to come home. If you were to try again, I think your dh needs to agree how to communicate.

I think you've had a bit of a hard time on this thread.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 06/05/2015 08:29

I'm glad you said that Marceline. This thread was beginning to scare me, I'm pregnant with my first and have to return to work at 3 months.

florentina1 · 06/05/2015 08:30

I have 7 Gk and was a childminder, caring for babies for over 10 years. I was very hands on looking after the 4 eldest Gk who are now late teens. So previously I was very confident around the Gks.

I now have three little Gks under 4 and I have found myself being much more stressed looking after these,especially when they were babies. Maybe because I am older, maybe because I am out of practice. I have a much more heightened awareness of what could go wrong, looking after small babies.

I think that, because your MiL is aware of how precious a responsibility she had, she panicked when she thought the baby was distressed. I don't think any of you have done anything wrong. Maybe leave him with her a little shorter time. Say, breezily, give me a call if you have concerns.

Seems like you are all lucky to have each other, and are just on a learning curve.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 06/05/2015 08:41

I left my pfb in a nursery with people I didn't know. Nobody had ever looked after ds before. I found it hard at first - we soon got into a routine. We'd have loved help and support but not all gps want to contribute in that way.

Mistigri · 06/05/2015 08:41

I think this is one of those six of one, half a dozen of the other situations.

She could have expressed herself more clearly and in the circumstances it's not surprising you tried to get home quickly. On the other hand, it sounds like this was a bit ambitious for a first time, and maybe with the benefit of hindsight it's clear that both sides could have prepared better (for eg a trial feed before you left).

I wouldn't stress it, it's just one of those things and you'll both do it better next time!

2rebecca · 06/05/2015 09:51

I agree that she was exaggerating, but find it odd you didn't phone after 2-3 hours to check all was OK and that you don't seem to have clarified when you'd be back. She was obviously finding it a bit much and really meant "oh ffs I thought you were just going to the cinema you've been gone for hours and are now planning a shopping trip just come home".
Not sure why you both thought there was an emergency just because your baby hadn't slept or drank for 5 hours, if you'd chatted to her on the phone for longer she would have clarified that he had slept and drank just not as much as she was expecting (although 3 hours asleep in an afternoon sounds plenty)

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