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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think if your well enough to drink then your well enough to have sex?

76 replies

Millymoosmolly · 04/05/2015 20:32

Dp and I have been having issues with our sex life for over a year now! We basically haven't had sex at all other than two failed attempts which was basically no foreplay, just sticking it on for a few minutes before declaring it wasn't going to happen!

So we have discussed it at length and he agreed that he would stop being lazy and put some effort in, things actually got so bad that we nearly split up over it and we talked and agreed that we would make time not just for sex but to just get the intimacy back with kisses/cuddles etc.

So just after this convo he had a health issue that he is waiting for a hospital appointment for and since then he is basically using this as a excuse not to have sex! Yet he is still well enough to go about his normal life, go to work, gym, golf weekends and drink etc.

This weekend he got hammered out of his head Friday as we were at a wedding and spent the whole of Saturday and Sunday in bed hanging! Today was the first day he has felt better and I mentioned a early night to him but instead he has chosen to drink..... Now on 6th pint meaning sex isn't a option.

So AIBU to think if your well enough to drink like that then your well enough to put the effort in to get your sex life back on track?

OP posts:
MrsGoslingWannabe · 04/05/2015 20:53

Did he have erectile problems before quitting?

Justusemyname · 04/05/2015 20:54

I think you're asking the wrong question.

Time to be honest with each other.

MissDemelzaCarne · 04/05/2015 20:56

YABU, having sex is more than a physical activity.
You need to talk, consider counselling and possibly a trip to the GP.

Original poster
Millymoosmolly · 04/05/2015 20:57

No not asexual! We had a really good sex life until it tailed off

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/05/2015 21:01

If he had trouble keeping it up the last two times don't you think that there's a real issue here?

Original poster
Millymoosmolly · 04/05/2015 21:02

He was the one who said he was being lazy and would put the effort in.... Not me

I have asked him to see a doctor if there are any problems and he says there isn't

Is sex any more physical than a hour and a half gym session lifting weights?

OP posts:
Original poster
Millymoosmolly · 04/05/2015 21:03

Yes I do think there is a issue but how do we solve it, I have tried I have taken the pressure away and he agreed we would try but hasn't made any effort

OP posts:
JeanneDeMontbaston · 04/05/2015 21:03

You sound as if you think he has an obligation to have sex with you. He doesn't. Calling it him 'being lazy' sounds pretty horrible, TBH.

I get that you may feel really rotten about not having a sex life, but acting as if it's a chore he ought to be doing sounds, frankly, coercive.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/05/2015 21:04

You honestly think of sex that way? I feel for him.

It is completely different from a blinking gym session. It is not just a physical activity.

Tbh you sound rather horrid

BastardGoDarkly · 04/05/2015 21:05

Very few people are actual asexual.

The op has every right to expect intimacy and effort to be put into their relationship, its a really important part of being a couple, what's wrong with that?

Op can you remember anything that may have triggered this? Stress at work, New baby?

He doesn't want to have sex with you..hth ……… well no, but it wasn't meant to was it? Why comment?

Floralnomad · 04/05/2015 21:07

You don't need an erect penis for lifting weights in the gym so that's really not relevant . I think I'd be less concerned about the lack of sex and more concerned about his dependence / excessive use of alcohol .

Viviennemary · 04/05/2015 21:07

He just doesn't want to have sex. I have seen a few threads when it's the woman who doesn't want to and apparently that's fine. Even for years on end. Perhaps he has a medical problem or is stressed out. I think you should be a bit more sympathetic in your approach to this.

Aridane · 04/05/2015 21:07

Wow - just wow

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 04/05/2015 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 04/05/2015 21:08

Of course you aren't horrid, what total crap

You want a relationship with your husband and he seems to be prioritising everything else

Dognado · 04/05/2015 21:08

I don't really understand why you're getting the replies on this thread that you are. It's soul destroying to be in a (non-mutual) celibate relationship and other posters sound like they don't have a clue. In a minute someone will be along to suggest new underwear to 'spice things up'. Hmm

ilovesooty · 04/05/2015 21:08

It's not the same as a gym session. I'm not surprised he's struggling if it's being presented as a physical task to get on with.

hesterton · 04/05/2015 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Millymoosmolly · 04/05/2015 21:11

Again I didn't call him lazy!!! He was the one who when we first discussed why we hadn't been having sex/any intimacy said he was just being lazy and said he would make more effort!

I just tried to work with him by taking the pressure off saying we didn't have to have sex and just kiss/cuddle etc and not mentioning it...... But that's makes me sound horrid does it?? Maybe I should of kicked and screamed and demanded it.

OP posts:
rootypig · 04/05/2015 21:11

Depression, porn addiction, alcohol dependency, not happy in your relationship, no long attracted to you. These are the things that come to mind.

Things are never going to improve unless you start to care about his wellbeing. Do you....?

Penfold007 · 04/05/2015 21:12

Sorry but he doesn't want to have sex with you. The next move is up to you.

ilovesooty · 04/05/2015 21:12

Or the drinking might be a form of sex avoidance in which case the reason for that needs to be explored.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 04/05/2015 21:12

I would move this to relationships, you might get some helpful answers there

whatlifestylechoice · 04/05/2015 21:12

Is he an alcoholic? A lot of alcoholics aren't interested in very much, including sex, besides drink.

CactusAnnie · 04/05/2015 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.