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AIBU?

AIBU to think if your well enough to drink then your well enough to have sex?

76 replies

Millymoosmolly · 04/05/2015 20:32

Dp and I have been having issues with our sex life for over a year now! We basically haven't had sex at all other than two failed attempts which was basically no foreplay, just sticking it on for a few minutes before declaring it wasn't going to happen!

So we have discussed it at length and he agreed that he would stop being lazy and put some effort in, things actually got so bad that we nearly split up over it and we talked and agreed that we would make time not just for sex but to just get the intimacy back with kisses/cuddles etc.

So just after this convo he had a health issue that he is waiting for a hospital appointment for and since then he is basically using this as a excuse not to have sex! Yet he is still well enough to go about his normal life, go to work, gym, golf weekends and drink etc.

This weekend he got hammered out of his head Friday as we were at a wedding and spent the whole of Saturday and Sunday in bed hanging! Today was the first day he has felt better and I mentioned a early night to him but instead he has chosen to drink..... Now on 6th pint meaning sex isn't a option.

So AIBU to think if your well enough to drink like that then your well enough to put the effort in to get your sex life back on track?

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whois · 04/05/2015 23:46

Sorry OP :-(

No advice but he's obviously upset/worried about something and could do with talking to the GP or a therapist. Easier said than done tho!

HerrenaHarridan · 04/05/2015 23:46

Sounds like he's humiliated by his inability to get an erection.

Tell him you love him no matter what and just want to cuddle up and be close tonight.

Tomorrow Google erectile dysfunction.

Millymoosmolly · 04/05/2015 23:42

He says he knows the problem is him (tiredness and just not interested in sex, says he hasn't wanked for months as he just can't be arsed) but just gets all angry and refuses to talk.

I have said that it's not his fault and I don't blame him but would like to know how we go about dealing and sorting this out together.

OP posts:

OberonTheHopeful · 04/05/2015 23:36

He doesn't want sex, and the reasons are likely to be complex. Continually asking him isn't going to help and his reasons are his own. Concerning that you "always know where he is and who with and have full access to computers/phones etc".

GetMeFlamed · 04/05/2015 23:16

Men aren't "funny creatures" as a pp put it. They are people capable of becoming hurt and confused and worried and depressed etc just like women. To treat them any differently would be to deny their humanity.

OP, if you love him tell him. I know the sex is frustrating but he must mean more to you than that. You can't give up on a person, your relationship because they can't perform sexually. That can't be the only thing you love about him.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 04/05/2015 23:05

He's not taking steroids to facilitate the weightlifting is he?
That could explain a lot.

Kiwiinkits · 04/05/2015 23:01

in that case he has to see a GP. Tell him this is a major issue for you and if he doesn't see a GP about it you'll have to reconsider your relationship as it's not acceptable to you to stay in a sexless marriage.

rootypig · 04/05/2015 23:01

So he's feeling lots of things that he can't handle, probably not least of all afraid.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/05/2015 23:00

The most obvious answer is anxiety about not being able to get hard again.

He's most likely utterly terrified of what he sees is something humiliating.

Reassurance won't necessarily cut it. Sex therapy will help.

measles64 · 04/05/2015 22:54

Then go sit on the end of the sofa and hold his hand. You need to talk.

Millymoosmolly · 04/05/2015 22:52

Well we had a chat and it didn't go well, he has just ended up shouting that it's all his fault he doesn't know what's wrong with him except that he just doesn't want sex, he is tired and just doesn't want it!

Tried to ask on how we go about sorting this and he stomped off to sleep on the sofa

OP posts:

blushingbooty · 04/05/2015 22:15

He needs to stop lying to you (and possibly even himself) and admit just why he doesn't want sex. The laziness thing is a handy excuse.

Depression, porn addiction, alcohol dependency, not happy in your relationship, no long attracted to you. These are the things that come to mind.

Plus possible problems in the general area as well. I'm ashamed to say I used every excuse going with y ex-partner when actually I should have just admitted I wanted to break up. I'm not saying that's his reason, but the laziness is a cop out and not the real reason.

Be honest with him about how you are feeling OP and don't accept laziness as a reason, it's not the real one.

measles64 · 04/05/2015 22:04

If he is watching porn, it may be that for some reason he is not attracted to you at the moment. Have you eclipsed him career wise? Have you put on or lost weight. Does he feel hen pecked? Men are funny creatures and sexual desire a fragile thing.

rembrandtsrockchick · 04/05/2015 22:02

If he is drinking heavilt this will affect his ability to get an erection.

DarkHeart · 04/05/2015 21:53

Sorry but I think he doesn't want to have sex with you. Ask him to be honest as to his reasons why.

GetMeFlamed · 04/05/2015 21:32

His loss of interest in sex or iinability to preform could be a symptom of a much greater problem your DP is suffering from.

I agree with others who have said talking in a safe and judgment free way is best. Making this an issue purely about sex could be very hurtful.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/05/2015 21:23

If he's drinking often and heavily, that in itself will affect his libido and performance.

Charis1 · 04/05/2015 21:22

Very few people are actual asexual

1% of the population.

But not relevant here.

rootypig · 04/05/2015 21:21

Well before you can do anything about it, you need to fid out what's going on. You need to talk to him, really talk to him, and try to get through his unwillingness to communicate. There's a myriad of reasons a man might struggle with sex, but they're not supposed to, are they? they're expected to be virile and always up for it. So I think when a man does struggle with sex, it can be really difficult for them to open up.

As his partner, you need to create a safe space for him to talk - that means being kind, not judging, really listening to what he says (not just verbally).

Equally, he needs to respect your right to be involved and included in your relationship, not to be kept in the dark over important things, or shut out, and not to be denied physical intimacy with no discussion about it.

BastardGoDarkly · 04/05/2015 21:19

Oh ffs. I agree about moving this to relationships op.

He needs to admit there is a problem before you can even begin to solve it. Him just saying it's nothing and he's just being lazy sounds like bollocks.

chocolatelife · 04/05/2015 21:19

It is a problem for you in your marriage.
You need to communicate with each other.
What is the rest of your marriage/communciation like?

do you have any intimacy.
You have every right to have intimacy in your marriage.

Have you asked him if he is erect in the morning?
Have you suggested Viagra?
Would you consider breaking up in view of lack of sex.

squoosh · 04/05/2015 21:17

He may well have a good physical or emotional reason for not having sex but it's not fair that the shutters are down and he's refusing to discuss it.

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ilovesooty · 04/05/2015 21:15

Women are often told on here that their partners shouldn't pressurise them into having sex and they have every right to refuse it.

Unless you can establish why his sexual function has changed you won't be able to move forward.

snowglobemouse · 04/05/2015 21:15

yabvu. he doesn't want to have sex. that's the issue. drinking isn't at all comparable to sex

frankly if I felt hounded for sex I'd be gluing my jeans on

Millymoosmolly · 04/05/2015 21:14

I am being as sympathetic as I can and again not put any pressure, not even mentioned it for months, first time this year I have suggested a early night, all I said was a early night.

If anyone can offer advice on how to go about trying to deal with this whatever it is then I would really appreciate the help

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