Page 3 | to say don't get pregnant if you are going to be disappointed re. gender?

madreloco · 03/05/2015 23:29

oh bollocks at what we are taught to imagine. That is a shitty reason for so many crappy reactions to boys.

JassyRadlett · 03/05/2015 23:34

Christ, I'd bloody love it if people hadn't reacted to my first child as second-best 'you'll have to have another and have a girl!', let alone the second: 'ooh, hoping for a girl this time' (people who don't know the sex) and 'oh, gosh, you'll have a handful with two boys! Will you try again for a girl?' from more than one person I've told.

Given that my existing small boy is objectively excellent, not a stereotype and is a damn sight easier than many small girls I know, this attitude pisses me off. But it exists.

duplodon · 03/05/2015 23:35

And serious GD reflects what MsJupiter is talking about - it reflects the wider world, and negative experiences with men, where women are oppressed by men.

Traditionally the reason women were disappointed not to have girls was because they wouldn't get any help in the home and would have another person who would grow up into someone they had to serve and be subservient to. In my MIL's family, the first two of five were girls and by the time they were 7 or 8, they always had to a) get up and give seats to their brothers; b) take smaller servings of food than their brothers, though they were older and bigger than they were and c) make their beds and launder their clothes. There was also a rule that if a male was speaking they had to listen and not question his judgement.

When women's grannies say "ah I bet you'd have loved a little lady", they are often speaking from a place where a woman secretly hoped for a girl to be her companion in what was often a lonely experience. This sort of thing filters from mother to daughter over generations, and the fact that (thankfully) these things are changing doesn't catch up for a bit.

I think when people get all head-shaking/tut tut/it's all about pink sparkly shit, it sort of minimises the fact that despite the fact we've come so far, there are still significant differences in how girls and boys are socialised that are really uncontrollable once your child leaves the home and peers become a greater influence. I frequently look at what my boys are expected to be in terms of their socialisation and how they are expected to express emotion or adopt some sort of bullshit macho persona etc and it pisses me off. My five year old will run up to a peer on the playground and hug him or kiss him because that's what he's used to at home and get pushed off like he were vermin. This stuff hasn't actually vanished from life, and it upsets me that it is so. It doesn't surprise me that women who have experienced severe oppression in their homes - including violence and abuse - feel highly ambivalent when they are going to have little boys.

MsJupiter · 03/05/2015 23:36

No, it's quite reasonable. It's the same reason why people follow all sorts of conventions. Subliminally, they've bought into it.

It doesn't mean that's right, just that it's a valid reason.

Maryz · 03/05/2015 23:39

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MsJupiter · 03/05/2015 23:40

Beautifully put, duplodon

Maryz · 03/05/2015 23:41

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dustarr73 · 03/05/2015 23:45

I think half the posters on here would have went the other way what i.e id really like a boy and not a girl they would have been FLAMED.Why is it alright to say the opposite.I have enough experience and it boils my piss.

What i really want to say to all them gobshites is
are my sons any less deserving to be here than any girls i would have had.No is the answer.And rightly so,so why say it.

slithytove · 03/05/2015 23:48

I wanted a girl, scared of having a boy because my brother is a dick. Got my girl.

She died.
I got pregnant. Wanted a girl cos I lost my girl.

Was a boy. Upset, took about 3 days to get over it. Adored him well before he was born.

Got pregnant again. Wanted a boy cos I thought I couldn't birth a live girl.
Was a girl. Terrified, took longer to deal with. She is adored just as much.

Can't control people's feelings like that.

nickelbarapasaurus · 03/05/2015 23:48

couldn't agree more duplodon

MsJupiter · 03/05/2015 23:52

So sorry about your dd1, slithy. You are so right, people can't control their reactions or be controlled on that emotional level. And as pp have said some people may not even know they have those dormant feelings until they are in that situation.

OwlinaTree · 03/05/2015 23:57

I've got a son. 1st child was a daughter, who died at 3 days. Was delighted to have the healthy son, really had no preference.

Would like another child soon, and both me and dh would love it to be a daughter. I will be sad for the loss of mothering a daughter if we have another boy, but I know I will love the family I have, if my son is any indication.

It's complicated for lots of people, for lots of reasons. It doesn't make them unworthy of being parents.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 03/05/2015 23:57

I did hear that the hospital in Peterborough wouldn't tell parents to be the sex at 20 week scan because some would try to have an abortion. In those cases I'd agree, they really should never have got pregnant.

dietcokeandwine · 04/05/2015 00:07

It is complicated for some people and in cases where that involves the death of a child, or previous abuse, that is completely understandable, of course.

But in many more cases I suspect the 'wanted a girl and I'm gutted it's a boy' brigade have far more trivial reasons for wanting said girl. It's just seen as more socially desirable, end of. And that's sad.

slithytovE · 04/05/2015 00:18

Thank you Jupiter

Owl

GetMeFlamed · 04/05/2015 00:52

Social conditioning seems to be the excuse for everything on MN at the moment. Women are taught to want this, to believe that, to expect whatever. Every individual needs to accept responsibility for their own thought and feelings eventually. If you dream of having a girl for whatever reason and you get one then you're lucky. Same goes for boy.

If your child isn't of your desired sex then thats something you have to come to terms with and from what I've heard usually happens (hopefully anyway). Blaming male oppression when you know the odds are 50/50 is just an excuse. Accepting your desired outcome isn't going to happen and dealing with it is part of life.

sleepywombat · 04/05/2015 01:39

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sleepywombat · 04/05/2015 01:40

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Focusfocus · 04/05/2015 04:48

So, what do you think of all these arguments from both sides OP?? Haven't heard much from you yet!

Mehitabel6 · 04/05/2015 07:37

I think that if you have set expectations then you are bound to set yourself up for more disappointments.
There was a letter in the paper at the weekend with a woman who eventually got her daughter, but she was really upset about the daughter's wedding because it wasn't the wedding she had spent her life imagining! The setting wasn't picturesque and the dress didn't have a wow factor. I felt like shouting at her- silly woman! It was her DD's choice and she liked the son in law. She had 3 sons so they could quite possibly fulfil her wedding dreams.
Mad to let it spoil her day- or in her case the months leading up to it, the day and regrets afterwards.

It is not so bad wishing for a girl or a boy but you should bear in mind that they may be nothing like you have in mind.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 04/05/2015 07:40

I think that if people have a strong preference before TTC then they shouldn't TTC, as there is a 50% chance they will be disappointed.

AccidentalAnarchist · 04/05/2015 08:03

I agree with you OP re arbitrary preferences. Some people do seem to view babies as fashion accessories
There are, though, situations where it's not that straightforward
I think it's also fair to say that plenty of people have kids without thinking it through on any level, sex disappointment being just one example of that

NurseRoscoe · 04/05/2015 08:33

Some women seem to have this 'obsession' with having one of each or having a girl to dress up, do her hair and do all the 'mum & daughter' girly things with! No one seems to consider that they could have lovely quality time with sons as well, boys are viewed so often as noisy, messy, dirty things that just grunt at you as they get older. Girls can be bloody worse!! Going by myself when I was younger, bitchy drama queens! About 90% of teenagers are horrible, it's the hormones not the gender! At the same time, babies and toddlers are generally lovely, regardless of what sex they are!

I am pregnant with baby number 3 and I suppose it would be nice to have a girl for a change on the shopping side of things, looking at the girly section rather than the boys but it ends there! That isn't enough to feel disappointment, I am 16 weeks and already feeling my baby wriggle around & I love him/her already. So I don't think you are being unreasonable, people need to consider before getting pregnant WHY they would be so disappointed and how quickly they would get over it.

NurseRoscoe · 04/05/2015 08:33

Some women seem to have this 'obsession' with having one of each or having a girl to dress up, do her hair and do all the 'mum & daughter' girly things with! No one seems to consider that they could have lovely quality time with sons as well, boys are viewed so often as noisy, messy, dirty things that just grunt at you as they get older. Not all boys are the same and girls can be bloody worse!! Going by myself when I was younger, bitchy drama queens! About 90% of teenagers are horrible, it's the hormones not the gender! At the same time, babies and toddlers are generally lovely, regardless of what sex they are!

I am pregnant with baby number 3 and I suppose it would be nice to have a girl for a change on the shopping side of things, looking at the girly section rather than the boys but it ends there! That isn't enough to feel disappointment, I am 16 weeks and already feeling my baby wriggle around & I love him/her already. So I don't think you are being unreasonable, people need to consider before getting pregnant WHY they would be so disappointed and how quickly they would get over it.

GameOfGroans · 04/05/2015 08:34

I've read all these posts with interest, as I'm currently expecting baby 2, who is a boy. If I'm truly honest I was a little disappointed at first, mainly (I think) because I wanted a sister for dd, as I only had a brother who I've never been that close to. I've seen relationships between sisters and they seem so much closer.

But I thought I'd mostly got over this completely irrational (and fleeting) disappointment, until I bumped into an old school friend at the supermarket. Now, baring in mind I haven't seen her in nearly 20 years the first thing she told me about herself was how lucky she is to have finally had a girl after two boys.

She then asked me what I was expecting and I actually, to my intense shame, felt that I had to justify the fact that it was ok that I was carrying a son because I already had a daughter!

I still feel so sad and angry with myself about the whole conversation.