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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say don't get pregnant if you are going to be disappointed re. gender?

108 replies

Mintyy · 03/05/2015 22:07

I'm not am I?

OP posts:
Yarp · 03/05/2015 22:27

I agree with you. To set out to have a baby, knowing, or strongly fearing that you will be very upset with one gender, is irresponsible.

Course, life's not always that simple, and people's feeling creep up on them, but I think if you know it beforehand, don't do it.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/05/2015 22:28

Two boys would've been much easier - they could've shared a room, shared clothes and I would;ve been the only female (apart from the cat we had at the time)

I did the research , planned when to get pg by my ovulation dates to get my boy.

It worked 50% for me.

I have my DD who I adore more than oxygen (as I adore DS) but before I met her, I had my vision of how I wanted my life to be.

A washing machine full of little pink clothes wasn;t on the agenda, but Nature thought otherwise.

Then, I had a (quite serious) RTA while I was pg and basically built a bridge and told myself to get over myself. This baby was hanging on in there, tenacious little girl, who then managed to be born when the MW went on a teabreak.
That, as they say, is my Girl Wink

Yarp · 03/05/2015 22:30

Maybe it's a good idea for people who do favour one sex to find out the sex beforehand, to have time to prepare? Or maybe more time to worry?

nickelbarapasaurus · 03/05/2015 22:32

it's okay mintyy - i forgive you GrinWink

duplodon · 03/05/2015 22:33

Like the pp, I would say I was a little disappointed with having a third boy, as it was going to be my final baby and so I had to come to terms with never having a girl.

This had nothing to do with gender, btw. It's just knowing, at this early stage, that none of my children will ever be pregnant or breastfeed. A girl might not have wanted this, but I know now that none of my children will have these experiences, and something very meaningful for me was the support my own mother gave me through these.

It wasn't a hugely big deal, but I did feel initially sad that I knew that would never be part of my future as a mother.

nickelbarapasaurus · 03/05/2015 22:34

but there you go 70 - i have a girl, i wanted a girl and got one, and she's got about 5 items of pink clothing in total.

in fact, DH has more pink clothes than DD does.

Trills · 03/05/2015 22:34

Tell that to Mrs Weasley

nickelbarapasaurus · 03/05/2015 22:36

duplodon - that's the most sensible reason I've ever seen, i think Grin

at least you can be the mum who supports your sons to such an extent that he can be a supportive father when his own partner wants to be pregnant and breastfeed - it's something that seems to be sadly lacking in men of my generation

duplodon · 03/05/2015 22:41

That's true! In all honesty, if I had a girl who had never wanted it, it wouldn't have bothered me. It's just the closing of the door at this time. I think probably by the time your children have grown up, you accept them as their own individuals more than ideas about what they might be, but this is hard to do with a scan picture!

I just remember my mother sitting on my bed, looking at my bump saying "imagine, you're my baby that grew inside me, and now you're growing a baby inside you!". That time was very healing for us, we'd had a very rocky relationship for a number of years and are much closer since I had my children.

There isn't a hair on the head of any of my boys I'd change, but that memory always brings a little twinge to my heart!

Mehitabel6 · 03/05/2015 22:45

When you know from the start that is is 50/50 chance it seems very strange to be disappointed when you know the odds from the outset.
Much better to be open minded and then you will be happy whichever. ( I can't imagine having a baby and then being disappointed)

dustarr73 · 03/05/2015 22:45

I agree op chances are only ever 50/50.If you are going to be dissappointed then dont bother trying.You are guarenteed 2 things in this life.Taxes and dying.Take your pick.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/05/2015 22:50

Ah nickel I didn't buy pink for DD (I dressed her in lemon, lilac, peach, navy)
It was when DD started choosing for herself I had one of those "open my washing machine and out tumbles little pink clothes" moments.

Grin
dietcokeandwine · 03/05/2015 22:51

What makes me sad about these kind of threads is that they are never really about 'gender disappointment'.

With a (very small) handful of exceptions, they are almost overwhelmingly about 'having a boy but I wanted a girl' disappointment.

This thread being a classic case.

YANBU though OP. Having been through fairly extensive fertility treatments to have children, and knowing several couples who will never have birth DC, I'm a firm believer that if you're really disappointed in what you get then you shouldn't have tried for a baby and don't deserve to be a parent.

Postchildrenpregranny · 03/05/2015 22:56

Havent read full thread butI think it's another reason not to find out in advance the sex of the baby . I think If I'd known when pregnant with Dd2 that I was carrying a girl I may have been disappointed (though Dh would have been delighted) . As it was, when they handed her to me thej oy I felt was overwhelming and disppointment never entered my head

MsJupiter · 03/05/2015 22:58

I'd like a girl to help smash the patriarchy. I'm sure DS will do his best though.

Original poster
Mintyy · 03/05/2015 23:01

It does seem to be true dietcoke, doesn't it?

I've been on Mumsnet regularly for 9 years, and the reporting of disappointment seems to be very heavily skewed re. having a boy instead of a girl.

OP posts:
dietcokeandwine · 03/05/2015 23:06

Yup mintyy I agree.

You get the very occasional poster admitting to hoping for a boy and being a bit sad it's a girl, but they are few and far between.

Tis the boys who seem to cause the most 'disappointment' Sad

Buildmeabuttercup · 03/05/2015 23:12

I was disappointed that I was having a girl when I really wanted a boy. I didn't think I would be disappointed but I was, only for a little while. I love my dd more than anything in the entire world and I wouldn't change her for anything, but I still feel sad about the boy I'll never have.

duplodon · 03/05/2015 23:14

That's hardly surprising, is it? All women know what it is to be a woman or a boy, none of us know what it is to be a boy or a man. For many women, they will also have more experience of being around women and so may have some minor cognitive dissonance about not having the opportunity to have similar relationships with a daughter. For some women - and where the serious GD lies - they will have experiences that have been negative with men.

In all honesty, significant GD is never about fecking pink dresses, it's about often deep seated, hidden/subconscious feelings to do with experiences with the opposite sex that the woman probably hasn't the foggiest they even have before getting pregnant.

It really only is an issue if people can't move on from it. It's only a feeling. It actually means nothing. Shame is about secrecy, silence and judgement - it's actually far more healthy to be able to admit that you had a few second's pause that you weren't going to have a girl than to see it as some big shameful taboo that means you secretly hate your sons. I bloody love my sons. I'd have liked a daughter too.

duplodon · 03/05/2015 23:14

Xpost, that was directed to dietcoke

Original poster
Mintyy · 03/05/2015 23:19

"A few seconds pause" is not the same as disappointment though is it?

If it was just a few seconds then fair enough.

OP posts:
GetMeFlamed · 03/05/2015 23:20

I've found women who express disappointment at having a boy are treated a lot more sympathetically than those disappointed at having at girl.

It's as if it's natural for a woman to really want a girl so inevitable she'll feel at least bit disappointed at having a boy.

A woman who really wants a boy and has a girl is treated like a complete lunatic for not favouring the right sex.

Mad.

MsJupiter · 03/05/2015 23:22

But surely that's because we are mostly women? Men are taught to imagine a son, women to imagine a daughter. It doesn't mean we love our sons any less or men their daughters. It isn't true for everyone of course, but there is a widespread feeling that lingers in the subconscious.

In the wider world, society favours boys by a long way. This is a far bigger problem and cuts a lot deeper than someone's moment of disappointment that their imagined child will arrive in a slightly different package.

I love my son, I wouldn't swap him for the world, but every time I see a Facebook post about pink princesses or worse, dads posting about how they will treat future boyfriends, I wish I had a daughter too just so I could redress the balance a tiny amount and not buy into any of that crap.

PeachyPants · 03/05/2015 23:26

Yes YABU, disappointment can be transitory and it's not up to you to tell people not to have children.

JassyRadlett · 03/05/2015 23:27

I think that's right, Flamed - since long before getting pregnant with my second, I was getting comments about how we'd want a girl next / how we should try for a girl. And since getting pregnant it's relentless 'ooh, maybe a girl this time!' to the point where I bloody-mindedly said to a few people I'd quite like another boy, when I believed I had no preference (and I don't think I did for this individual baby - more the idea of a daughter was to be put away forever).

People's reactions don't exist in a vacuum.

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