to be at the end of my tether with DH and his bloody 'career'

[pyrrhicvictories]

DH and I have been married for five years, 2DCs.

I am currently a SAHM but will have to find work soon. DH works.

Since we married he has taken a 4 year course abroad, during some of which I lived with PILs and DC1 and worked to support him.

He finished study a year ago and returned to his old job. However he is not happy and is looking for other work. All fine with me.

The problem is that although he has had no luck since starting to look six months ago he is spending all his time and lots of money on the search.

He usually finishes work around 1pm but comes home for lunch and then goes out to work on his CV or network until 11pm. Any request for help at home is refused as he is too tired/busy/needs to work. He actually refused to buy some bananas last week from outside his work because it would affect his image at work.

He also makes a lot of demands on my time and gets shirty when I don't immediately comply or seem any less than totally psyched to be doing whatever mundane task he wants me to perform. They are usually translations, answering emails, LinkedIn etc. DCs' needs are not an excuse.

The icing on the cake is that I am desperate to travel to my home country this summer as a family. Money is tight though and I had almost accepted the idea that it might not happen.

DH turned round last night to let me know that he has to do a summer course in my home country at a cost of £4k. This apparently is essential for him to get his dream job. The course's benefit is not obviously apparent to me and I think there is something else putting employers off.

The cost of this course would wipe out our savings, eliminate any chance of DCs seeing my family this year and mean me and DCs camping out at PILs this summer.

I am really really angry about this but DH will not listen to sense. HIBU, right?

Are you sure he isn't a terrorist? This travelling all over the world and "courses" seems highly suspect.

I would have thought idle career student in denial about the fact he has a wife and kids is more likely...

I dunno. Something just doesn't add up... Can't explain why.

Floppity- it doesn't make sense because there is no reason for a UK qualified lawyer to spend years studying abroad for a foreign qualification. Or for someone who isn't UK qualified to study for a foreign bar first. I just can't think of a scenario where that is a good plan.

I would expect someone who works in a university (presumably part-time) and who spends that much time "reading cases" to produce some academic articles.

One of the career law students I am thinking of upthread, who had spent 6 years as a full time law student in The Netherlands, claiming housing benefit and whatever else he could claim there, doing everything but an LLB or equivalent, turned out to have a serious criminal record in his home country. Not drugs. Sexual and other violence. Which would have prevented him from practising as a lawyer or being admitted. He could of course have tried to obtain other employment. Only found out because someone from his own country recognised him, googled him and showed me the links.

In this case, its probably far more mundane - the OP's DH sounds addicted to doing short term university courses, and I would lay a bet that he doesn't spend all that time on the internet reading cases, but instead just general surfing.

Thanks for all the responses. I see why it looks like he has another woman. I am not naive enough to think never would, but I don't see the signs as he is still very eager to spend time with me when he isn't working and if he does have an OW she is paying for everything as I handle all the money. I also don't think he is deluded after talking to him, though we definitely both need a break.

When he got home this afternoon I had it out with him. He is not doing a summer course, I will be visiting my home country and he went to the supermarket and put the kids to bed. Tomorrow he is taking us out for the day.

I am feeling much better.

I don't want to provide too many details and out myself but he has been a qualified lawyer in his home country for a long time. The four year course was postgrad. He has a very prestigious and responsible job where we are now in the field of law he specialises in but it is public sector and the pay isn't great. He hates the public sector mentality here and wants to switch to private sector but can't just apply for jobs without jeopardising his position, hence the networking. The bananas thing is totally stupid, I think it is because his colleagues are all very wealthy and it is the norm to have help for that sort of thing. Still ridiculous though. We have compromised that he can buy bananas from a different shop.

He hasn't done any short term courses before.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble and thanks for all the responses. I am relieved that this seems to have ended well. Two months to go until the summer recess. Can't wait.

Just read the thread, but good for you.

He needs to make it up for you badly.

As the wise women on MN say:

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

In other words, why sacrifice your life for someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about you or your = his too! = children....

The longer I am on MN the happier I am as a LP.

I get not buying bananas on your way to work, they would be ruined by the time you get home...if you keep them in your bag.

But seriously? His work image is more important than his children's/family's nutrition?

O.k. then.

Just get a shopper in. I'll bring you bananas if you pay me! but I don,t live near you

Sorry OP but your DH is on a hiding to nothing. I am a partner in a top International law firm and I can assure you that no one gets recruited by touting their CV round networking events, giving lectures etc. The route into law is fairly standard and if your DH hasn't made it after 4 years of trying he probably isn't going to.

I work in the public sector. I could apply for any job I wanted without jeopardising my position. What sort of job does he have if he finishes at 1pm?

I think he has to bunker down and do the work he has been able to get. Might I ask if there are reasons that keep you in the UK if his prospects were so much better in the home country. I know plenty of Eastern Europeans qualified as doctors in Russia/Croatia/Ukraine, etc., doing other sorts of work in the UK because their professional qualifications aren't recognised. They have compromised on the whole because overall life is better here, particularly for their children in their opinion.

I am guessing its another European country where op and dh are living and dh is working, where public sector
Legal roles and working hours are very different to here. I guess that ops dh must be disappointed that this four year course didn't open doors to the private sector, but he does need to play a more active role in family life, particularly given the sacrifices you made to allow him four years of study, op.hope he continues to be more helpful