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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be at the end of my tether with DH and his bloody 'career'

87 replies

pyrrhicvictories · 03/05/2015 11:55

DH and I have been married for five years, 2DCs.

I am currently a SAHM but will have to find work soon. DH works.

Since we married he has taken a 4 year course abroad, during some of which I lived with PILs and DC1 and worked to support him.

He finished study a year ago and returned to his old job. However he is not happy and is looking for other work. All fine with me.

The problem is that although he has had no luck since starting to look six months ago he is spending all his time and lots of money on the search.

He usually finishes work around 1pm but comes home for lunch and then goes out to work on his CV or network until 11pm. Any request for help at home is refused as he is too tired/busy/needs to work. He actually refused to buy some bananas last week from outside his work because it would affect his image at work.

He also makes a lot of demands on my time and gets shirty when I don't immediately comply or seem any less than totally psyched to be doing whatever mundane task he wants me to perform. They are usually translations, answering emails, LinkedIn etc. DCs' needs are not an excuse.

The icing on the cake is that I am desperate to travel to my home country this summer as a family. Money is tight though and I had almost accepted the idea that it might not happen.

DH turned round last night to let me know that he has to do a summer course in my home country at a cost of £4k. This apparently is essential for him to get his dream job. The course's benefit is not obviously apparent to me and I think there is something else putting employers off.

The cost of this course would wipe out our savings, eliminate any chance of DCs seeing my family this year and mean me and DCs camping out at PILs this summer.

I am really really angry about this but DH will not listen to sense. HIBU, right?

OP posts:

Original poster

pyrrhicvictories · 03/05/2015 12:24

Prime Minister.

He is preparing for a bar exam but not the NY one.

We were apart for three years but he came back for summers.

Networking is seminars, discussion panels, meetings. They checked out.

I am beginning to think he has just lost it because he can't deal with the fact he wasted four years. His Current job is pretty soul destroying.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 03/05/2015 12:28

He sounds like a selfish prick. His needs, his career come first.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 03/05/2015 12:41

His Current job is pretty soul destroying

More so than yours? Raising children alone whilst propping him up? For years?

chanie44 · 03/05/2015 12:47

I'm wondering whether he will ever land his dream job and he may be wasting time and family money. Not wanting to crush his dreams, but there is only so much study you can do, sometimes it a case of - not good enough/it's not what you know, it's who you know/wrong place or time etc.

Rather than networking and reading case law, suggest he speaks with someone in the industry and ask them for an honest opinion on his chances.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 03/05/2015 12:49

He must be after a very specific career if a foreign bar is going to be any use. Dual qualification rarely pays dividends.

He sounds like a prat given his comment on bananas. Hell, I have known partners pick up nappies.

AyeAmarok · 03/05/2015 12:54

OP, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you're being a total mug!

He needs to wind his neck in, seriously.

Quitelikely · 03/05/2015 12:55

If he did not succeed after four years I wouldn't get your hopes up.

I don't think law is that complicated.

You qualify and train and get hired. Another course is not going to do anything that assuming his has the proper qualifications, won't do.

He's had his chance and I think now it's your turn.

Quitelikely · 03/05/2015 12:56

I mean getting qualified!

Of course the law can be complicated!

BestZebbie · 03/05/2015 13:09

Regardless of whether he has any realistic chance to actually land this 'career' he wants or not, after all that - if he actually goes to your home country this year, you and the DCs must go with him and spend time with your family. Do not even consider staying with PILs while he goes to the place you already wanted to go and have pre-existing ties to by himself, or facilitating him not having to engage with his own children and OH even on weekends and evenings etc.

BeaufortBelle · 03/05/2015 13:13

My DH is a lawyer. He went to uni, did his bar exams, was a pupil. Didn't really earn much before he was 30 and not that much before he was 35.

Is your DH being realistic? Why all the networking? I think it sort of goes first or 2:1, 2nd language helps, as does being presentable - solicitor or barrister route. Unless your dh has Russell Group credentials I suspect he needs to start thinking out of the box.

My DH goes to Tesco's to buy his lunch and if I asked him to get bananas he would. Might not remember to bring them home though.

NorahDentressangle · 03/05/2015 13:15

You go on holiday. He spends what's left on some counseling.

He needs to find out what he really wants. Is he not getting promoted because he is coming over as anxious or desperate. If he thinks buying bananas is a nono he has got his ideas wrong I think.

BabyGanoush · 03/05/2015 13:22

Sounds unfair.

Put your foot down.

The "networking" myst cost a lot!

Tbh, sounds like his career isn't really going to happen. But he won't take that from you (us!)

Bloody tough on you!

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 03/05/2015 14:25

Lawyers are allowed to buy bananas. At least I hope we are, or I've committed a gross professional error, lots of times.

BeaufortBelle · 03/05/2015 14:32

Add's bananas to list. DH lives a loaf of banana bread to take to work. The other lawyers understand this needs plebby ingredients including bananas

peltata · 03/05/2015 14:42

How realistic is your dh going to land his dream job why don't you ring up a few respected recruitment specialists in the area of law your dh wants to work in posing as your dh and gauge their reaction to his qualifications and experience. If it's not realistically going to happen anytime soon I think you need to give him a reality check.

AndHarry · 03/05/2015 14:43

Could you suggest that he passes them off as plantain? Would that be high-end enough?

Another bonkers thread. I second taking half the money in your savings and putting it into your own account now. Then book tickets home for you and the DC. Preferably one-way.

Pipbin · 03/05/2015 14:50

goes out to work on his CV or network until 11pm

Unless he is chiselling his cv into granite I can't see how it is taking that long every night.

TheWordFactory · 03/05/2015 14:55

So is OPs DH trying to get into a career in the law?

Or he already has one and is trying to get a different/better one?

diddl · 03/05/2015 15:04

I think that you should book for you & the kids to go see your family.

Apart from that, I just have no words!

Coyoacan · 03/05/2015 15:29

I certainly don't think he should be taking all these decisions unilaterally

shewept · 03/05/2015 15:39

Sorry OP..he spends 12 hours a day in his cv and networking, he lived away from you for years to pursue this and what's to move again and wipe out the family savings

Sorry not a chance. He needs to face up to the fact that he has responsibilities.

Carlywurly · 03/05/2015 15:44

No. You're not. It sounds like he's a selfish arse who's never likely to put you first or even see you as an equal. I'd get yourself a job and lose him tbh. And I never say that.

poocatcherchampion · 03/05/2015 15:45

A partner buying nappies! ^^
Next you'll be telling us their baby poos.

Icimoi · 03/05/2015 15:46

What is this course he wants to go on and why is it so essential? I find it difficult to conceive of a job in the legal field which requires this until it will lead to a specific qualification.

Icimoi · 03/05/2015 15:46

Sorry, unless, not until.

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