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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be at the end of my tether with DH and his bloody 'career'

87 replies

pyrrhicvictories · 03/05/2015 11:55

DH and I have been married for five years, 2DCs.

I am currently a SAHM but will have to find work soon. DH works.

Since we married he has taken a 4 year course abroad, during some of which I lived with PILs and DC1 and worked to support him.

He finished study a year ago and returned to his old job. However he is not happy and is looking for other work. All fine with me.

The problem is that although he has had no luck since starting to look six months ago he is spending all his time and lots of money on the search.

He usually finishes work around 1pm but comes home for lunch and then goes out to work on his CV or network until 11pm. Any request for help at home is refused as he is too tired/busy/needs to work. He actually refused to buy some bananas last week from outside his work because it would affect his image at work.

He also makes a lot of demands on my time and gets shirty when I don't immediately comply or seem any less than totally psyched to be doing whatever mundane task he wants me to perform. They are usually translations, answering emails, LinkedIn etc. DCs' needs are not an excuse.

The icing on the cake is that I am desperate to travel to my home country this summer as a family. Money is tight though and I had almost accepted the idea that it might not happen.

DH turned round last night to let me know that he has to do a summer course in my home country at a cost of £4k. This apparently is essential for him to get his dream job. The course's benefit is not obviously apparent to me and I think there is something else putting employers off.

The cost of this course would wipe out our savings, eliminate any chance of DCs seeing my family this year and mean me and DCs camping out at PILs this summer.

I am really really angry about this but DH will not listen to sense. HIBU, right?

OP posts:

MrsV2012 · 03/05/2015 16:08

Get rid. Wow, YADNBU! Although you risk crossing from the 'Sensitive wife' to 'Absolute Doormat'. What are you getting out of this arrangement?! I think you need to put your foot down through his head

jacks11 · 03/05/2015 16:58

I think you both need to sit down and discuss the whole situation. You have made a lot of sacrifices and supported him, but need to be convinced to keep throwing money at his career aspirations.

I'd point out that if you are going to wipe out your savings, you need to be convinced that it is worthwhile. He shouldn't assume that because he wants to do this course, that means he can. He is in a relationship with you, you should be a partnership which means both parties needs and views are taken into account and compromises found.

It doesn't sound like you are getting much out of this, and are just expected to agree with whatever he wants and jump when he demands it. time for you to let him know how you feel. If he can't or won't make compromises, only you can know whether you can tolerate that or not.

Blarblarblar · 03/05/2015 17:12

I have nothing to add really except move the money out of savings ASAP before he uses it without properly discussing this with you, if you have the cash he has to listen.

AlternativeTentacles · 03/05/2015 17:21

Ba ha ha - I've heard some excuses for not engaging in day to day living but not buying bananas because it would affect his image. The guy is a regular comedian.

I'd get my hands on that money pronto to stop him taking the piss big style.

Eltonjohnsflorist · 03/05/2015 17:24

I'm sorry to be blunt OP but if he had any chance of getting his dream job he'd have it. I see lots of people who do my professional qualifications who just don't really get it and have some big idea that all they need to do is struggle through the exams and they'll be hot shots, even though they're far from the top of the game in terms of brains or suitable background.
In fact they are usually pretty inadequate.

It sounds as though he had to study abroad because it was cheaper/
Easier and again this is something I see but qualifications/ courses from many countries aren't taken anywhere near as seriously (ie in the UK I see a lot if completing studies in Asia / Africa which we don't Believe to be up to the same standards as the uk) so that could also be counting against him (my profession isn't as competitive as law either)

That said I can understand your frustration because what can you actually do? Tough one.

TheChandler · 03/05/2015 17:41

Aha, he is what I term a "professional law student". I've encountered a few of these. Their mecca is the College of Law in Brugge, or a succession of 3-6 month unpaid internships in EU institutions or continental EU competition law firms. Many of them do move to a mainstream country with well paid international law jobs, such as the UK, The Netherlands or Belgium, and get themselves onto a succession of law related courses. The universities will take whoever pays the fees and if someone is willing dumb enough to pay 4k for a summer school, will snap them up, but its unlikely to lead to a job. Some of them can be at it for 10 years or more, but some EU countries allow students to claim social benefits while studying. The worst ones are those that do Masters degrees in Law, but have never done the LLB or equivalent, so can never be practising lawyers.

It sounds like he confuses doing courses with professional experience, and reading cases with understanding the full depth of a legal problem (its relevant when preparing for a court case or preparing a briefing note but there are only so many cases you can take in and retain if simply reading through them inactively, admittedly some of them do have nice stories). Its worrying in a lawyer that he is confusing substantive content with results, or possibly question of fact with question of law (he would be better reading the ratio decidendii than the whole facts of loads of cases if just making a general study for his own interests).

At least it sounds as if he has actually completed a law degree (the 4 years...) but has he qualified professionally by doing whatever postgraduate qualification is needed in that country and then a traineeship with a firm? If not, he needs to get more practical experience, possibly as a paralegal, in order to become a proper lawyer. Even then, he will be at the bottom of the heap for a while until he proves himself capable of moving up.

Anyway, he needs to focus more on earning rather than imagining himself as the next Perry Mason. Theres a lot of competition from young hotshot lawyers who generally get snapped up by firms as they spot their potential. Doing loads of courses and avoiding practical experience is a real red herring. He may also be a boring know-it-all and come across as a bit of an arse in interviews. I encountered a couple of this type who had been studying law for nearly a decade each during my studies, and their efforts seemed to consist of telling other people how much better they were than them, and producing utter drivel. Needless to say, they weren't offered traineeships after their unpaid placements.

sandy30 · 03/05/2015 17:46

He sounds deluded. No amount of CV polishing, networking or LinkedIn can compensate for the fact that you have it or you don't. 10 hours a day, plus you effectively as his PA? If it has hasn't happened for him already, it won't. He is clearly also still thinking purely of himself as an individual, not as a father or husband. I second a frank conversation and possibly counselling.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 03/05/2015 17:54

"the ratio decidendii". God that takes me back TheChandler. I don't think I've heard it called by its full name since I graduated, ahem, 15 years ago.

noddingoff · 03/05/2015 17:55

So- various scenarios or variants thereof.

He does the course and lands the dream job, and you all live happily ever after, ish, if he's relaxed and competent enough to handle the job and a family life lightly and easily.

He does the course but doesn't get the job, and gets ever more resentful and mentally strained, and so do you.

He doesn't do the course, is at peace and happy with this as a family choice, gets a less stressful job than the one he's in, or at least gets less stressed by stepping off the hamster wheel, and you all live happily ever after, ish.

He doesn't do the course and mopes around resentfully for the next 5, 10, 20 years cos he "Coulda been a contender" and it's all your fault for not "letting" him follow his dreams.

I don't know what is going to happen - but remember, you can only control your own actions, not his. If the shoe was on the other foot, would he be looking after the children and giving you the family savings to do the course? Whatever happens, look after yourself and put the happiness of yourself and your children above his career on your own priority list because somebody has to and it's not going to be him.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 03/05/2015 17:58

Totally get what you mean for some professions. But even that doesn't apply in law Elton. A foreign qualification is basically useless as you have to 'convert' it for the relevant country you are practising in. That even applies to a Scottish lawyer practising in England (though, as an aside, lawyers from some counties do happily practice as 'registered foreign lawyers'). Some people get dual qualification - e.g. by sitting the New York bar - but it's only helpful to a tiny minority of job roles. I honestly don't understand what the OP's husband could be fruitfully studying abroad in a legal field, unless his long term aim is to move the family there.

LadyCybilCrawley · 03/05/2015 18:02

Really important part of growing up and become a responsible adult is realizing that there is no such thing as a perfect person or a dream job. Everything, everybody, every job has downsides/imperfections. Attitude is everything. Enjoying what you have is important so that you aren't always living for tomorrow or "when things get better". I'm not saying you shouldn't strive to improve but I am saying that attitude/approach is vital. Success is often 90% attitude.

Long story short - he needs to grow up, suck it up, see what he has right in front of him and support you and the children. If he can't do that now, he won't do it if this fictitious nirvana like job appears.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 03/05/2015 18:03

Who payed for the courses??

He doesn't sound like a 'sticker around' to me, sorry. There comes a time in your life when you have to learn to put other people first and he's not there. He's not investing in your family, he's investing in himself.

TheChandler · 03/05/2015 18:13

Penguin the ratio decidendii". God that takes me back TheChandler. I don't think I've heard it called by its full name since I graduated, ahem, 15 years ago

Ha, yes, its a good way of drawing attention to what you're saying in the midst of a bunch of international lawyers who don't have the advantage of English as their first language. Waffle, waffle, waffle - "yes, but what is the ratio decidendi of the case"? All valid legal discoursive technique, and you instantly make the Italians your friends for life...

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 03/05/2015 18:25

BlackSwan · 03/05/2015 19:33

He has such a great excuse for not helping out with the kids or spending time with you huh? What a lazy bastard. I would make it quite clear that until such time as he is a hot shot lawyer - the time in the afternoon is when he is Mr Mom, there you go, you have childcare and go and earn a living. Get yourself out of this situation.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 03/05/2015 19:56

Which EU countries let you claim benefits while you study TheChandler? That route you outlined actually sounds rather attractive. I fancy a sabbatical...

Laquitar · 03/05/2015 20:05

He sounds extremely self-centred.
Tbh i would wish that he doesnt get his dream job. I mean can you imagine how arrogant he is going to be if he does?
He might ask you not to walk next to him because you ruin his image!

OP this doesn't sound like a marriage, you haven't even lived in the same country 4 years out of the 5. What a huge sacrifice you have made to live with PILs when he was chasing his dreams.:-(.

You should definitely go to see your family not only because it will be nice for your ds to visit your home country but also it might help you to re-think about your life and your marriage from a distance and with family around. You deserve much better.

Eltonjohnsflorist · 03/05/2015 20:08

That's interesting thanks penguin

LittleBearPad · 03/05/2015 20:16

How are you supporting yourselves whilst he goes from course to course?

He's being absurd about the bananas and unreasonable about the rest.

Silvercatowner · 03/05/2015 20:27

Are you sure he is well, mentally?

zippey · 03/05/2015 20:36

To be honest, the lawyers I know work too hard, have little time for their families and earn pretty poorly considering the number of hours they put in, plus none of then really enjoy what they do.

DinosaursRoar · 03/05/2015 20:49

It seems like he's sunk so much into this that he feels he has to keep going and not admit it's unlikely to happen for him.

I would take half of your savings and take the DCs back to your home country. Start looking for work and supporting your family there wiht your family's support. Build a life for yourself without him. You are used to being without him and there's always going to be something new he 'has to do'.

You and the DCs are never going to be 'enough' or the priority.

BuggersMuddle · 03/05/2015 20:53

What age is he OP? I don't know what he's aiming for re: 'dream job', but I would worry if he has done the undergraduate degree, couldn't get an LLB and is holding out for some magical summer course to get him into a coveted role - particularly if he's also an older student with a family.

Also bamboozled by the bananas. I'm a project / programme manager (on a similar job grade to a senior solicitor in my organisation) and have been known to pitch up to early meetings with a bacon role and can of Irn Bru. As long as there are no external clients or suppliers there, who actually cares. (I wouldn't take a banana into an external meeting because it's not the most delicate thing to eat and then there's the skin to deal with. This would have precisely zero impact on me buying them outside the office to take home though ).

Eltonjohnsflorist · 03/05/2015 21:00

Hangover buggers?

seventeen · 03/05/2015 21:06

Totally agree with TheChandler's excellent post up thread.

In law, you either got it or you ain't. All the courses in the world aren't going to hide the fact that he either:

a) doesn't have the ability
b) doesn't have the practical experience
c) doesn't have the right qualification

And all of this is utterly irrelevant to you because your problem is that you aren't a team, he takes you for granted, he doesn't give a shit about anyone except himself and may be taking the entire family on a protracted and expensive wild goose chase.

You need to stop this now by agreeing to a firm action plan and a timetable going forward. Educate yourself as to his chances of getting this dream job, so he can't fob you off. Agree a plan for the next 12 months, then a five year plan. It has to be a whole family plan, ie with space for you to achieve what you want to achieve too.

He's living in cloud cuckoo land.

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