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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there is more to sharing parenting/household duties than the number of hours you do?

22 replies

Plateofcrumbs · 02/05/2015 10:13

Thinking about this as DH is in the middle of yet another lie in whilst I have been up with DS since 5:30.

But then he's had a really stressful day at work yesterday whereas DS and I had a lovely out together.

Overall I am with DS or on-call (ie dealing with night wakings) pretty much 24/7 and do most of the household chores. DH has more truly 'free' time than me but works 5 days in taxing job. In terms of hours I do way more but a lot of what I do (hanging out with DS) is hard to think of as work.

AIBU to think that a fair split of parenting, chores etc between me and DH isn't just about the hours?

OP posts:

LinesThatICouldntChange · 02/05/2015 10:38

YANBU. When I was on ML and also when I worked only 3 days a week, I did the night time wakings and basically saw my role as taking the lion's share of childcare and domestic things.

As you say, generally speaking there can be a fair bit of 'down time' when you're looking after children at home (precluding specific scenarios eg a very challenging child with specific needs)
On my final ML I had a newborn and two other pre schoolers but even then there were times when I was sitting and bf or the baby was sleeping and being perfectly honest it wasn't too physically or mentally demanding.
When I returned to work part time, i would do night wakings if I had a day off the next day, and if we were both working we'd take turns. Seems eminently sensible to me.
I'm not dismissing SAHP at all, but I know from experience that getting up in the morning with 3 pre schoolers is a darn sight easier when you have a day at home ahead of you, than a day when you've got to get them up, fed and dropped off at nursery by 8am and then switching into professional mode for the day. It would have been silly to insist that DH put in extra hours when I knew that the following day would be a day at home for me

rainbowdashpony · 02/05/2015 10:44

Is he job really that stressful that he can't do nightfeeds? Unless he is something like a driver then he sounds lazy

eskimobiscuits · 02/05/2015 10:51

Leave him to his lie in, wake him up at lunchtime with breakfast in bed and suggest he watches a film with your DS while you potter about and do what you want to do. He's still relaxing but watching DS for a while so you can do something you want to do. Ask him to help prepare dinner tonight, suggest he help out/give DS his bath.

I don't think you can expect to drop Mount Everest on his plate, but a gentle walk in the Lake District is a good place to start.

And rainbow- don't judge. One of my friends doesn't have what you would consider a taxing job, but when she puts in another 2-3 hours unpaid everyday she's pretty knackered by the weekend.

rainbowdashpony · 02/05/2015 10:54

I just think it is a bit of a cop out. We have a few children, and I returned when my youngest was 2 weeks old. I am studying for a degree/at work full time, and no way would I make dh do all the night feeds.

maroonedwithfour · 02/05/2015 11:02

Eskimo Dh has a city job, commute and long hours. When he gets in during week, childcare duties are shared, 4 dcs, homework, baths etc.

Weekend, dh does all the basics, dw, laundry and food. He also does/shares night wakings, depends how many dcs get up!

During the week, its a mixed bag. Offically Im on night duty but as Dh sometimes falls asleep putting him to bed, hes in there anyway.

Generally speaking I have it easier. Although we have had a 6 month run of illness which has been taxing.

AlternativeTentacles · 02/05/2015 11:07

Wouldn't more time with the family destress him?

Kampeki · 02/05/2015 11:20

Yanbu. You're right that it is about more than the hours. Personally, I would find your role quite tiring but much less stressful.

Ultimately, it's for you and your DH to work out the right balance for you as a family. Every situation is different.

BigSmilesCheesyPie · 02/05/2015 11:48

We share the lie in, DH gets up on a Saturday and I lie in, he gets Sunday.

If I had been up since 5.30 I'd be taking a coffee up to DH at around 10am though! I often leave him with the DCs for a few hours so I can go out unencumbered.

I'm not sure who puts in the most hours or who has it harder/easier, I suppose sometimes he does, sometimes I do. It all seems to balance out in the end.

Moreisnnogedag · 02/05/2015 11:54

I think it's about what everyone is happy with. Dh is a sahp and does the bulk of housework and makes sure that I have a lie-in on the weekend. Honestly I do very little around the house apart from big clean ups and major DIY but work very long hours in a stressful job. I know my DM thinks it unfair but we're happy (we regularly 'check in' to make sure no-one is feeling hard done by).

Splitting hairs about hours would be silly. Do we count my commute on the M6 as 'me' time or when ds1 at school as 'his' time even if he chooses to batch cook during that time?

shewept · 02/05/2015 12:02

Fair and equal are not always the same things.

You need to work out what's best for your family.

For months, I didn't get a sleep in. Because dh worked Friday and Saturday nights til at least 3am. Monday to Friday I was up at 5.30am for work.

I used to go back to bed on a Sunday afternoon while he did something with the kids, usually the supermarket shop, if I needed to catch up. I like afternoon naps better than sleeping in anyway. It wasn't equal, but it was fair. It worked for us and we were both happy with it.

That routine wouldn't have worked for everyone, but it did for us.

TheWordFactory · 02/05/2015 12:08

Looking after DC when you're sleep deprived is hard but working in a demanding job can often be impossible in those circumstances.

Also different people need more sleep to function properly than others.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 02/05/2015 12:13

It's quite refreshing to see an OP taking a sensible approach rather than the frequent moans on here about a partner not flinging off their work jacket, snatching up the baby and cooking dinner the second they walk in the door

Far better to behave like adults than squabbling children playing tit for tat over hours.

FWIW on many of my days at home, during my p/t working years, I would stick the kettle on and let DH have a sit down when he walked in from work. If my day had been spent in the garden with the kids, or going to the park then quite frankly I knew I'd had the easier deal. If on the other hand, id had a broken night followed by a fractious teething baby and a couple of toddler tantrums thrown in, I'd have handed the baby over and expected a sit down myself.
Be guided by the reality of your situation not some theoretical idea of what's 'fair'

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 02/05/2015 14:34

Well that's a pretty reasonable consensus!

OP posts:

littlejohnnydory · 03/05/2015 16:49

Dh has never done night feeds because the children have all been breastfed but he does plenty of other things. I'm at home with them but in the hours he is home we parent equally. And isn't his work part of the picture because someone has to bring money into the household? YANBU.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2015 17:33

Yanbu, I agree with you completely.

You often see on mn that there should be equal leisure time.

For some situations, I disagree with this. Eg my own - dh , a surgeon, operates all day, I'm at the zoo with the dc and a few adult friends eating cake and drinking coffee. It's hardly comparable work.

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 03/05/2015 20:21

Yes there are often comments about splitting everything 50-50 when DH/DP is home from work, but it isn't really that straightforward. Yes if you've been worn down by a day with multiple boisterous DCs you might need more downtime. Even with just one baby I have had days when I have been at my wits' end.

We aren't perfect - I'm not good enough at making sure I get time to do something independent every now and then, and I do get fed up of DH not thinking/planning around DS. But broadly I do think I have the better end of the bargain at the moment, even though my 'hours' are greater.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 03/05/2015 20:30

YANBU - every family is different and the idea that you should share everything 50/50 regardless of each other's skills/preferences etc is ridiculous. I had a blissful life as a SAHM for years - an hour or so housework a day and the rest of the day was my own - DS was in a creche or playschool most days, my life was a piece of cake compared to DH's. . And now tonight, sitting here mumsnetting whilst DS is dealing with a stroppy teenager - .

Mintyy · 03/05/2015 20:33

Yanbu. When I was at home with two small pre-schoolers my dh was working 40-45 hours per week in a job he loved.

If he'd expected me to be doing 45 hours solid domestic work, rather than sometimes having a nap when the dc were asleep, or going off to coffee/lunch/walks round the parks with my mum friends then he would have got a punch on the nose.

pointythings · 03/05/2015 20:46

I think you get the problems when everyone is not happy. If one person works and the other doesn't, or one is f/t and the other p/t then of course there needs to be a rebalancing - problems arise when one half of the partnership opts out of the not-so-fun- parts of family life completely. I don't think it is ever acceptable not to do any housework or childcare at all and quote the 'Oh but I work so hard' trope as an excuse - unless the other partner is happy with the situation, of course.

toomuchtooold · 04/05/2015 06:13

I think if you're happy, it's fair, largely. And for what it's worth my judgement would be that a full time job is likely to be as or more stressful than doing the house and looking after one child. I think the reason on here you get a lot of chat about splitting the hours 50/50 is that there are blokes who have partners who're anything from full time SAHM to working 80%, and who have anything up to about 4 kids, and they still think because she's the primary carer they can swerve all the childcare and housework.

AggressiveBunting · 04/05/2015 06:28

Yup- you need a sliding scale, like scissors,paper,stone

Vomit clean-up beats toddler bum wipe beats overtired bathtime beats toy clear up

I think when they're really tiny these things always seem more loaded, because they're such hard work and there's very little mental space when you're looking after them. Once they get to school age, you can bimble along with them quite happily and they're incidental to the task at hand rather than a major barrier to achieving it.

e.g. I went up the road to get a coffee on Saturday and DS(4) came with me and we had a really nice hour and a chat. Two years ago I would have tried to leave him with DH in return for bringing a coffee back. I found the baby/toddler years really really hard.

icklekid · 04/05/2015 06:34

I think it's got to work for you both I've just gone back pt but dh and I definitely split chores so we are happy. When I'm off work I do more but only as/when I can as ds loves to be outside yet at 9 months can't play by himself without eating sticks and stones! I think the older he gets the more I will be able to get done...until dc2 comes along...

The only thing that frustrates me is that sometimes I would like 15/20mins of me time without ds just to relax or have a cup of tea without watching ds and he doesn't understand that. Dh just says surely you should want to have more family time. I think it's come from 9 months non stop constantly being on baby duty then now I've gone back to work its pretty mad and non stop. I always do pick up and rush to get there as early as possible- I may have to give myself 5mins to destress to try and help break this cycle!

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