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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up with people insisting I will have so much free time when DD goes to school

86 replies

TheAssassinsGuild · 01/05/2015 18:07

I am a part time student/SAHM. DD is at nursery 3 days a week. The hours are 8 - 6, she gets breakfast, lunch and tea. No half term or school holidays - they close for about 3 weeks a year (plus bank holidays). When she is at nursery I get a full day to do whatever it is that I need to do.

When she goes to school, yes it will be 5 days a week, but the hours are considerably shorter. I have to factor in breakfast and tea (obviously). And then there's all the sodding school holidays.

How does this add up to me having more 'free time'?!?!?!

It's not childless people who comment on the life of leisure I will be leading, that I could understand. It's people with kids, and young kids, who should know that the transition from nursery to school can be a bit of a shock to the system. When I patiently point out what will actually happen, they look bemused and seem not to really 'get it'.

I'm getting really fucked off with it to be honest. Not only the false assumption that I will have more time at my disposal, but the implication that this time will be 'free' and I will be lounging around and 'won't have anything to do'. 'What on earth are you going to do with yourself?' is a question I get asked. I'm working flipping hard on my studies (postgrad research), as well as shouldering the vast majority of childcare and domestic stuff. Nope. Can't imagine what I might be filling my days with.

Or is it me? Am I missing something? Will I be bored out of my mind as the endless hours crawl by...???

OP posts:

madreloco · 01/05/2015 19:15

Its an MPhil, not a PhD. Does anyone read the thread?

Inkanta · 01/05/2015 19:16

No need to be sarcastic - PhD or Mphil still hard work and stressful with limited time.

Livjames1 · 01/05/2015 19:25

Hi there, all I can say is it really does depend on perspective and your individual circumstances. Take me for example, I have three children, my youngest is four and is about to start school this September. For the last couple of years I have worked for an agency and usuallt only do a day or two usually of a weekend so technically I class myself as sahm, as during the week I'm around all the time.

My four year old is also autistic and since she started nursery in January of 2014 (at the school she is due to start come September) she has only attended for two hours per day instead of the usual three, this was on the recommendation of the health professionals and the school. It has been agreed that she will start full time school with the rest of her peers despite the problems she's had at nursery (and there has been many!) and for me, if I'm being honest, a full day at school will mean I do get to have a lot more time to myself.

It will mean I get to have to six hours a day to clean up , cook meals, see my friends, go food shopping etc, all of which i used to take for granted before I had my dd as with my eldest two they were what you'd call model babies/toddlers and i could easily do these things without any problems.

But for parents who are either sahm's to children who are perfectly healthy or for part time working parents I can see were you're coming from and can see how your child leaving full time/full day childcare and going to school for a relitively short day could mean your pushed time wise, so I can totally sympathise with some of the sarcastic "well meaning" comments that you may get. I've had some myself actually but I let them go over my head now as it's quite clear that anyone close to us and who actually care for our family, wouldn't make these kind of comments as they'd know full well how difficult these last three years have been, and let's just say they haven't been the easiest x

saltnpepa · 01/05/2015 19:59

Oh dear another woman who thinks pottering around the house cleaning from 9.30am - 2.45pm is hard work. The SAHMs that I know really don't do very much with their lives yet moan about how exhausted they are if they've had to volunteer for one cake sale and go to two doctors appointments in one week. Try working and doing all of that and see how you get on. So yes, you will have all those hours a day free, how you choose to fill them is your business.

justmyview · 01/05/2015 20:06

Around here, lots of SAHM's get a dog when their youngest child goes to school, to justify staying at home. Just saying ......

Inkanta · 01/05/2015 20:13

I was finishing off a MA when my 3 kids were small. Was glad to get that out the way. But after that enjoyed the odd True Movie film between 1.15pm and 3.05. Good unwinding time before the onslaught.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 01/05/2015 20:18

salt have you rtft? She's studying, not a full time sahm.

Livjames1 · 01/05/2015 20:19

Ok, so in my case what would you have to say. I gave up my full time job and career (that i'd happily been in for ten years and paid for full time nursery/wrap around care for my eldest two children) in order to care for my autistic daughter. I still work of a weekend when needed but I can assure you that "pottering around the house" doing general day to day jobs plus dealing with the children is A LOT harder than working full time and then coming home, at least for me anyway.

Before I had my daughter and it was just myself, dh and the two boys I found life relitivley easy. Both me and dh worked full time, but we also had DC in full time childcare which meant they were fed, watered etc every night and so by the time we got home all we needed to do was a small bit of tidying, give the boys some supper, read with them etc and then they were in bed, easy! When you are working all day and your DC are in school/nursery there is less house work to do (laundry aside) as there literally is no one there all day to mess up! And although i love being there for my children throughout the week and still working of a weekend doing a job I enjoy, i can honestly say working full time was a piece of piss compared to what I have now!

TheBoov · 01/05/2015 20:22

You'll have to plan to use some of the money nursery was costing you on holiday care. There are great holiday clubs and they are often 8-6 or similar. And usually great fun for the kids. Just factor in the cost into your budget, and plan your studies so you really use the time. So you could have three days holiday club and two days fun time a week, as you did when she was at nursery. But look into it in advance and make sure you know when you have to book.
There are ways round it - you just need to be flexible. And once she's settled at school you can declare one day a week a 'playdate day' when she goes to see someone else after school (and you get to work until 6pm), and another when you have a child around with you!
And as somebody earlier said YANBU to be pissed off that people think you are sitting on your bum when you are studying but YABU if you think people will stop making comments like that. It's annoying. People can be. They don't know about your life and they are just chatting.

TattyDevine · 01/05/2015 20:22

I suspect Salt is letting off steam after a hard day at the millstone. And not bitter in the slightest.

Original poster

TheAssassinsGuild · 01/05/2015 20:24

Thanks for the comments, perspectives and input.

Liv - I really hope your DD manages the transition to school well. That must be worrying for you.

Inkanta - . It will be PhD standard, but there will be less of it, as I just don't have the time to produce the 80-90K words' worth of work. MPhil should come in at about 50K.

salt - I am not another woman who thinks pottering around the house cleaning from 9.30am - 2.45pm is hard work. Please don't patronise me. I am doing MPhil research as well and this year I am trying to get all my fieldwork done. I do know what the world of work is like, thank you very much.

just - er, no. Would tropical fish count...??

OP posts:

bobajob · 01/05/2015 20:43

I reckon the problem is that you are describing yourself as a SAHM rather than a student.

redskybynight · 01/05/2015 20:51

Do the people making the comment know you have the DC in nursery for 3 days from 8am-6pm? If you'd told me you were a SAHM and p/t student I would assume that you studied in the evening and weekends, and therefore WOULD have masses of extra time once DC started school.

Kvetch15 · 01/05/2015 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CalleighDoodle · 01/05/2015 20:59

I did my MA part time while working full time.it was bloody hard work.

Stop telling people youre a sahm. Problem solved.

Inkanta · 01/05/2015 21:16

TheAssassin Crikey - that's a lot of words! You seem determined and I'm sure you'll complete by Sept 2016. It can be an isolating business though and I suspect people around you underestimate what you've got on your plate. Stay focussed and channel your angst. I found I could read and make good headway very early in a morning - around 5am - 8am, and then get back to it when the kids were out.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 01/05/2015 21:31

Madreloco

saltnpepa · 01/05/2015 22:04

Oh so you're not a SAHM you're a student. Problem solved.

Permanentlyexhausted · 01/05/2015 22:07

Blackeyedsusan is right. You'll have 300 hours a year less child-free time.

10 hours x 3 days x 49 weeks - 1470 hours

6 hours (typical school day) x 195 (no. of school days) = 1170.

Original poster

TheAssassinsGuild · 01/05/2015 22:33

red - unfortunately studying at the weekend (daytime at least) is not an option, because DH is not, how shall I put it, that involved with the childcare aspect of things. That's for another thread though...

OP posts:

madreloco · 02/05/2015 19:31

No need to be sarcastic - PhD or Mphil still hard work and stressful with limited time.

I've done it, and in much more limited time than OP has. I know precisely how stressful it is.
OP has one child going from 3 full days in nursery to full time school. No babies, no job, nothing else.
She has plenty of time and little to be moaning about.

TwoOddSocks · 02/05/2015 19:48

madreloco

I don't get people like you. Why write such an unpleasant comment? Clearly you're defensive and insecure about something I'm just not sure what. Maybe you've done an MPhil but I doubt you did it at the same university and in the same subject as OP (actually as far as I'm aware it's just Oxford that uses "Mphil" - is that where you studied?). Even if you happened to have studied an identical course perhaps you're just quicker worker than OP. Why does that give you the right (or inclination) to put her down?

I know what you mean OP I sailed through GCSEs, A-levels, degree (got a 1st even) but my DPhil really took it out of me, and I didn't have a child then. Having a long stretch of uninterrupted time to work was really important. I wouldn't pay much attention to what other people say some people are just making small talk and haven't given it much thought, others have weird issues about SAH parents.

Just keep swimming just keep swimming!

fredfredsausagehead1 · 02/05/2015 19:51

Ignore them! They're jealous!

madreloco · 02/05/2015 19:52

Its not at all unpleasant. OP is whining about offhand comments other people made, and this thread is full of "poor you hun, it must be hard". Bullshit. We make our own choices, and get on with it. OP doesn't have it hard, she needs to woman up and do what she herself chose to do.

I'm not defensive or insecure at all (and fuck off with the armchair psychology), I'm just sick of the endless whinging of people with privileged lives.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 02/05/2015 19:54

The only thing I would say to you is that having been in the same situation I found giving myself a couple of after ions a week off to read or watch a film was so helpful. Studying and research is so intense and the after school mayhem is re?..hell sometimes!,,

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