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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with people insisting I will have so much free time when DD goes to school

86 replies

TheAssassinsGuild · 01/05/2015 18:07

I am a part time student/SAHM. DD is at nursery 3 days a week. The hours are 8 - 6, she gets breakfast, lunch and tea. No half term or school holidays - they close for about 3 weeks a year (plus bank holidays). When she is at nursery I get a full day to do whatever it is that I need to do.

When she goes to school, yes it will be 5 days a week, but the hours are considerably shorter. I have to factor in breakfast and tea (obviously). And then there's all the sodding school holidays.

How does this add up to me having more 'free time'?!?!?!

It's not childless people who comment on the life of leisure I will be leading, that I could understand. It's people with kids, and young kids, who should know that the transition from nursery to school can be a bit of a shock to the system. When I patiently point out what will actually happen, they look bemused and seem not to really 'get it'.

I'm getting really fucked off with it to be honest. Not only the false assumption that I will have more time at my disposal, but the implication that this time will be 'free' and I will be lounging around and 'won't have anything to do'. 'What on earth are you going to do with yourself?' is a question I get asked. I'm working flipping hard on my studies (postgrad research), as well as shouldering the vast majority of childcare and domestic stuff. Nope. Can't imagine what I might be filling my days with.

Or is it me? Am I missing something? Will I be bored out of my mind as the endless hours crawl by...???

OP posts:
MissDuke · 01/05/2015 18:43

I think you are going to struggle to get any sympathy on this one op. My dd is starting nursery in Sept and will attend 2.5 hrs a day, term time only. So of course I 'won't know myself' the following year when she starts school so I could easily make this comment to someone innocently. Surely you must be paying for at least some of that child care? So can you not top school hours with breakfast club/after school club / nursery if you are concerned about not having enough free time?

Original poster
TheAssassinsGuild · 01/05/2015 18:43

I'm not angry - I just need a cathartic rant!

I'm not moaning about having to give my child breakfast and tea.... It's just an example of how school and nursery differ....

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 01/05/2015 18:44

I assume you're paying for nursery? And school is free? So you can use the money you're saving to pay for breakfast/after school club or a childminder plus school holiday clubs. You need never see her if you like. Loads of free time.

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 01/05/2015 18:45

You might not have a lot of free time but you have a lot of discretionary time. You've chosen to do postgrad research during that time. Maybe that's what they mean?

Original poster
TheAssassinsGuild · 01/05/2015 18:45

You need never see her if you like

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 01/05/2015 18:49

YANBU to be annoyed. YABU if you expect it to stop!

It is yet another of the many inane bits of 'small talk' said mostly by people who dont even know the details of your life. It is commonly true for SAHM's that children being in school opens up wide swaths of child-free time, so it gets trotted out to fill the empty talking space and invite conversation on what they do or you might do to fill that swath.

I would consider you a mum who works part-time, not a SAHM at all. SAHM implies no on-going committments outside of mothering. Being a student is demanding work, IMO. If you respond to (inane, small talk type) questions about employment by saying you are a SAHM, stop. Say you are a student and only have time for that and parenting.

catgirl1976 · 01/05/2015 18:52

I agree, could never understand the go back to work once DC starts school mentality, unless you have a DP who can pick up the slack, collecting from school, sah in hols.

Confused

Women with children can have a career you know? With or without a DP.

BlackeyedSusan · 01/05/2015 18:54

sorry the point was you will have about 300 hours less per year than now.

brain was frazzled by the maths obviously

defineme · 01/05/2015 18:55

I think that, like a lot of people naturally do, you have an exaggerated sense of how difficult your life is. Your post sounds self pitying when you have the privilege of furthering your education/doing research and staying at home with your one child. I am sure you have your ups and downs/problems like everyone does, but this really is not one of them. Be grateful for what you have and mmm politely when people make small talk.

BlackeyedSusan · 01/05/2015 18:56

less so called free time.

Yarp · 01/05/2015 18:56

Maybe you will find the routine of everyday school, rather than days a week nursery, will benefit your working day

soontobemumofthree · 01/05/2015 18:56

School finishes here for 7 yr old and 5yr old at 2pm. I have 2 days off work (the 3 days I do work is from 8:30am - 7:30pm) and so I try to study (only need to do 60 hours a year)/clean/ make packed lunches/ food shop/ do usual bills /letters etc in evenings (have DP who does help but still busy)

On my day "off" with toddler I try to cook meals and take him to park. I often get people commenting about how nice it is for me that I am off work/free time etc but just have to bite my lip as it is free time got by lots of work at other times. It is also not "free" as I am looking after a toddler.

Yes you have to study during school hours but the childcare/house keeping is what lots of people (inc me) do afterwards. If you need more hours you need to look into breakfast or afterschool clubs. No-one will know how many hours you are putting into studying unless you tell them, maybe they think it is a hobby.

Good luck with the MPhil, if you have got this far I am sure you can finish it.

Original poster
TheAssassinsGuild · 01/05/2015 18:56

Blackeyed - is that including all the extra holidays?

OP posts:
ConfusedInBath · 01/05/2015 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorahDentressangle · 01/05/2015 18:56

I agree, could never understand the go back to work once DC starts school mentality, unless you have a DP who can pick up the slack, collecting from school, sah in hols

should have said 'could never understand the, obviously you will go back to work once DC start school mentality' Grin

Yarp · 01/05/2015 18:57

3 days

sanfairyanne · 01/05/2015 18:58

most people probably dont realise you have her in nursery 9-6 maybe?

sanfairyanne · 01/05/2015 18:58

8-6 in fact

TattyDevine · 01/05/2015 18:59

It just sounds like people don't realise what your postgrad studies entail and/or haven't pondered the ins and outs of when nursery is open/closed, and how long the nursery day is. In fairness they'd have to get a calculator out or have a calendar in front of them to work it out if they are not in a similar situation.

"'What on earth are you going to do with yourself?' is a question I get asked. I'm working flipping hard on my studies (postgrad research), as well as shouldering the vast majority of childcare and domestic stuff. Nope. Can't imagine what I might be filling my days with." This sounds so arsey - why not just answer their question and then they will realise?

I'm a SAHM who is not doing any study at the moment and when both mine started school I did suddenly have a lot of spare time, and its fucking fantastic Grin so its a fair assumption to make if you are not in "gainful employment" (how are they to know how much time you spend studying or doing field work?)

catgirl1976 · 01/05/2015 18:59

Ah ok Nora - that's slighty different :)

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 01/05/2015 19:00

I get where you're coming from. Mine went to pre-school and even that was an hour longer in the day than school! So I "lost" an hour when in my head I had "oh once they go to school I will have more time" it was a bit of a shock when I realised!

The difference in hours & term time only causes a lot of strife for workers as well.

Whole childcare thing is really tricky and I wish there were more / better / cheaper options. Not all schools have before / after school clubs for eg. It's all very difficult to organise.

Also I always felt like 9.30 - 2.30 while theoretically a day isn't in fact time to actually go off and do anything significant so it felt a bit odd like "your kids are at school you have your days now" but actually you're still tied to staying local really.

Anyway I work full time now and haven't looked back.

LowryFan · 01/05/2015 19:01

There is a big difference between SAHM and full time student. Just tell people you're a student of x Uni.

Well done on sticking with it and getting back on track, it sounds like you've had a rough time.

MokunMokun · 01/05/2015 19:05

You sound stressed about your studies and understandably so. Unfortunately a lot of people see research as just wafting about reading a few books.

For what it's worth I also got these comments once DD started pre-school. I still have a toddler at home.

madreloco · 01/05/2015 19:09

There is a big difference between SAHM and full time student. Just tell people you're a student of x Uni.

Yes, but OP is a part time student. I did my last MSc part time, with 2 school going children and one baby, and still had some free time.

Nobody cares what you do with your day. They are just making conversation.

Inkanta · 01/05/2015 19:12

Doing a PhD sounds stressful. Six hours a day at home isn't a lot of hours when you're trying to get stuck into heavy duty studying.