To not want my son to take up boxing?

[VivienScott]

My son is 9.

My ex wants him to have boxing lessons as soon as he is able to. I have said I am totally against it and under no circumstances would I allow him to go. I hate boxing, I've studied and volunteered with people with traumatic brain injurry, many of whom were ex-boxers. I know he damage it can do regardless of the safety equiptment used, I think it perpetuates and normalises violence and basically I just don't like it and certainly don't want my child doing it. My ex has said he doesn't care and will take him regardless. My son seems to be undecided which I think is down to him knowing how passionately we both feel about our oppsing views and trying to appease both of us.

AIBU to not want him to do boxing and is there anything I can do about it?

My son started kickboxing when he was 11. He had done 3 years of tae kwon do prior to this.

He loved it at first. The fitness aspect was great. The technique training was great also. But, after his first graduation, he was paired with more experienced boxers, green belts, red belts, brown belts. The group was from 10 and up, and the majority were older teenagers. My son is relatively tall. They had a rule you could only spar against the same person once, so when he had done all the kids, he had to go up against higher belts and older teenagers, keen to "show him". There was no stopping them.

He wanted to quit after his third graduation as he was pummeled too hard and did not want to go to class to have the shit beaten out of him. (his words) He had protective gear, but put an 11 year old up against a 19 year old black belt, and you can imagine how it goes. And it is all sport....

VivienScott, I can't believe you would be so manipulative with your own child. I feel sorry for him.

Quint - that's about bad management of the situation.

Wow, OP, just wow.

I'm actually quite keen for my DS to do kickboxing (rather than boxing). He was badly bullied at his last school and was strangled so hard he thought he was going to die.
He's also been punched by an older boy at current school.
He's thoughtful and sensitive, he'll never be the kind of boy who 'beats the shit out of someone'. But I want him to have the confidence that he can defend himself if he's ever put in that kind of situation again, I think the confidence that comes with knowing you can defend yourself probably makes it less likely that you'll get picked on in the first place.
My sister's ex got badly beaten up by a group of complete strangers a few years back and kickboxing has massively helped him to get his confidence back. He's not an aggressive person at all, very laid back, would always walk away from a fight, but likes keeping fit and the people he trains with are like a second family.

ds 16 took up boxing last year , he loved it and was very good at it ,but after his first fight in which he won all the rounds ,decided it wasnt for him.
he loved the training and sparing but when it came down to it ,he didnt like hurting his opponent and felt bad so he quit.
the medical stuff is quite strict , and as weve found out recently football/rugby and riding their bikes are far more dangerous.
and to answer your question ,i would let your son decide ,
just because he goes to lessons doesnt mean hell have to fight, most in the classes just use it for fitness and discipline .

Sorry, how is telling my son if he takes up boxing that I would do it too and he could watch me get smacked around the head manipulative?

I meant it. It wasn't bravado, I would/will insist on doing it with him. Firstly so I can see what happens and secondly so he can fully understand the implications of making those around you who care about you watch you do things that are harming you. I think it's a bloody good lesson in life to learn, that you can't demand people care about you, then do things that are harmful to you and not then let these people you want to care about you have an opinion and just worry endlessly. People take the fact that people care about them for granted, they expect it yet when they want to do something that risks their lives and the people around them object, they're told to bugger off on the basis 'it's my life'. I wholeheartedly belief you should not do anything you wouldn't want those you care about doing. And if my son doesn't want me boxing because he doesn't want to see me hurt, then he shouldn't do it either.

So, your son might actually want to do boxing, and your telling him if he does he also has to do ballet - which he maybe has no interest in whatsoever.

I'm fucking gobsmacked

I didn't let my ds1 do it and now at 23 years old he is glad I didn't.
He was a sports coach, got a degree in it and decided to have it as a hobby around 19/20 age group.
There were children in cages fighting at 8/9 years old. They were trained to box and it was very bloody according to him.
If you are a nice mc family against the traveller caged fighters, your kid will stand no chance.
My ds was a hard nut as a child and as I said he was so pleased we said no.

I think encouraging such young kids into full contact fighting is a child protection issue potatoprints, but that's exactly why I don't want DS to do boxing. But don't mind kickboxing.

Boxing for kids - a safe controlled environment where physical fitness is actually the emphasis not 'hurting others'.
Rugby - broken bones and fractured skulls are a fairly regular occurrence. And don't tell me there is never any intention to hurt anyone else on a rugby pitch!
I don't buy it that you can make a moral distinction between the two in favour of rugby...

Ds1 is 12 and within 2 months of starting secondary school was set upon by another year 7 child. The fact that he did karate stopped the other kid choking him.

He defended himself, yes definitely defence. He broke the choke hold exactly how he had been taught to do it in class. The other child was shocked and embarrassed but kept then trying to kick and punch my son. He wouldn't stop. Ds said that you could tell the kid was angry and frustrated and just kept coming at him. Ds just kept blocking it, he said it was automatic and instinctive for him.

My son didn't even get into trouble for it, because we could demonstrate that actually he could have hurt this other child severely because of his belt level.

In class they are taught to push the attacker away and run. Not to engage in any fight unless you have to. My son also blocked a punch from a bolshy 15 year old, also in school.

For defending and learning how to get out of situations, karate has been a amazing addition to my two son's lives. Without that he would have been badly injured and humiliated.

He doesn't spar, but may later on. It is just light touches, no kicking the hell out of someone.

I would check out the boxing club before you make any judgement on it.

I don't think you have handled this well OP. Manipulative, but he is your son I guess.

I guess you wouldn't be happy if your ex was as manipulative and trying to get your son to do as he wanted.

I think learning self defence is a great thing to do - wether it's boxing or martial arts.

Ballet, not so much. It's expensive and bad for your general well being. Anyone who has watched Black Swan would testify to this.

It's pretty obvious that OP has already decided.

However, I would have previously had mixed views on boxing, but having read this thread, I would like my son to try it out if it appeals to him in the future.

I agree your stance is manipulative. Why not go and see some children's boxing sessions before deciding. Cage fighting for 8/9 yo is disgusting and I would never let my children do it but there are other options. Learning the techniques, training etc isn't about smacking someone around. Choose the right gym and it can be fantastic. When I sparred I would only get a light tap to show me where I was open, it didn't hurt and it was more the mental wake up call. I went to one class where the instructor seemed to enjoy hitting the pads really hard when being held by someone attending the class. It didn't hurt but it showed a mindset I didn't agree with. Instead I went to a class where the instructor didn't do that, all sparring at my level had the power taken right out.

I started off kickboxing at 14. Competed, worked up through the grades and got to black belt level. Started focusing on boxing and I adore it.

Risks are part and parcel of every day life and only the OP can risk assess her sons participation in boxing.

It can be a wonderful, skillful and graceful sport. It can also be brutal, awful and, on occasion, deadly.

But then you can say that about 99% of sports.

OP you are INCREDIBLY ignorant on this subject, educate yourself before bullying your poor son.

(need to be careful not to out myself)

MrsLHs Dad was a boxer. I've always felt a little conflicted.

On the one hand, boxers are supreme athletes - it's a hell of a training regime. But I can't agree with the actual fighting part of it.

Two men, beating each other unconscious - it's grim .

Maybe I should have given a little more detail about my ex. My son does over an hour a day of pe, games gym etc in school, plus swimming at the weekends so the fitness thing isn't really an issue. My biggest issue is my ex's intentions. He loves boxing, he wants our son to box, not spar, not train, box. Nothing would make him prouder than to see his son in the ring fighting. This is why I'm so upset about it. I don't want my son fighting, I actually don't think he has the right mentality for it, having worked with ex boxers they have something that just isn't in him. Essentially I don't think fighting is a good hobby for him.

What an awful thing to say to him!!!
Seriously?!?
Jesus!!

I think it's a bloody good lesson in life to learn, that you can't demand people care about you, then do things that are harmful to you and not then let these people you want to care about you have an opinion and just worry endlessly.

But you aren't having an opinion. You have manipulated him in to not doing it by enforcing a hobby he doesn't want to do and saying you will do it too. I actually think you should do it. I don't think you realise that you will probably, in a decent club, get to the Point where you are in a ring getting hit in the head. If you do, it will be a long time.

You could have achieved the same, by showing him what happens to boxers. even though the injuries you speak of are really in certain categories. you have access to the internet, do research with him and TELL him you are scared and worried for him.

Your post about your ex doesn't change anything for me. The simple fact is that at 9 years old it will be a longtime before he has the choice of stepping in the ring and he may not want to do that anyway. When he is older he may choose to do it and there won't be much you can do about it.

I wouldn't want my son fighting and agree with you on that. But I also think you should learn more about it, for kids. Is it that you are worried he will try it, like it then choose to get in the ring and fight. What will you do when he is an age you can't manipulate him into not doing it? Will you still get in the ring, try and force him to take up ballet too. I honestly think educating him on the dangers would be best.

I would like ds to play rugby. DH doesn't, he thinks its too dangerous. But neither of us will manipulate him into making our decision.

And for the record, your son does not demand you care about him.
FFS!!!

Manipulative, seriously?

Saying 'if you want to put me through it, I will put you through it' is essentially saying treat as you expect to be treated. It's not manipulative, it's a basic standard for a human being.

And how many of you who are criticising memoir being manipulative can honestly say you've not done anything manipulative in the past, threatened them with x if they don't do y, offered them enticements to behave, either outright or said things like 'Santa only visits good children'? And that's just to get them to behave! I'm trying to prevent my son from fighting here. Bloody hell people, get some perspective!

Saying 'if you want to put me through it, I will put you through it' is essentially saying treat as you expect to be treated. It's not manipulative, it's a basic standard for a human being.

That is manipulation, if you do something i don't like then i'll do something you don't like.

Your ex is trying to make him do it, you are trying to stop him. He is in the middle of you both manipulating him. Educate him on the dangers, rather than telling him that you will fight or he has to do ballet, which he has no interest in. At 9, he is old enough to educate on this and it will stick with him longer.

You clearly haven't even looked into boxing clubs for children, he won't be fighting.

I am sorry you don't agree with my advice to educate him, but you asked 'is there anything I can do about it?' that's my advice.

I don't agree with being told I'm manipulative. And it's not like I'm saying if you do boxing I'm going to start stabbing myself in the eyes with hot needles. It's if you do boxing, I'll do boxing. It's making him realise that if he thinks it's too dangerous for me to do, then surely it's too dangerous for him to do.

I agree with telling him about the dangers, which is what I've done, which is why when I said if he took it up I'd do it too, he thought about it. The decision making area of the brain isn't anywhere developed enough at 9 to see through the consequences of his actions. Yes he heard me when I said that boxing risks x, y and z, but he didn't really think about it until I applied those risks to me, then he understood the full impact of brain damage. Kids think they're invincible, sometimes to protect them you need to show them they aren't.

It strikes me this is more about your ex than your son.