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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to let him stay?

82 replies

OneStepOneStumble · 30/04/2015 19:01

One of my friends tenancy ends this week during his final university exams, so he hasn't got a flat to go to and his only other option is to move back home with his parents (about 45 mins outside the city). He's told me and DP that he's not getting on with them and really wants to avoid it if he can. He then asked if he could stay with us for 10 days...

AIBU to say no, despite his sob story, due to the fact me and DP live in a tiny 1 bed flat, barely big enough for two. My mental health hasn't been fantastic and I really need to have space to relax after work away from people. And my job itself has been quite stressful recently so I really don't want to come home and be "working" at entertaining someone - especially in their stress with final year exams.

I feel like I can't really refuse him but I know the next 10 days will be miserable if I say yes. If I can how can I refuse politely? I feel like such a horrible person!

OP posts:
GERTI · 30/04/2015 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCatsMother99 · 30/04/2015 21:42

I'd say no too so YANBU.
I've got house guests at the moment, have done for a week and it's driving me mad as we just don't have the room for three adults to live in our small house even though we do have two bedrooms. Your situation would be worse.

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2015 21:46

Where's he going to live after that?

Has he repaid you?

Why can't he ask his landlord if he can stay an extra week? It's unlikely the landlord's got someone to replace him this quickly, particularly at this time of year in a university town.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2015 21:49

'If he has borrowed money OP and not paid it back then I'd definitely be saying 'no'.'

Neither she nor her partner want him there. Regardless of any money he borrowed, they don't need any justification for not allowing this loafer to lodge with them.

You have to be very firm with people like this, One, because as you see, they don't want to take no for an answer, their own way is more important than you.

So you text or message if you can't do confrontation. 'DP and I discussed it. Your staying here at any point does not work for us. You need to make other arrangements. Best of luck.'

expatinscotland · 30/04/2015 21:50

He's not homeless. His accommodation is not your problem, not your problem, not your problem.

SunshineBossaNova · 30/04/2015 23:07

YANBU. Tell him to look on airbnb. And then jog on.

hidingfromthem · 30/04/2015 23:17

freeloader alert.
did he give you back the money he took?

ruthandy4 · 01/05/2015 01:37

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LindyHemming · 01/05/2015 03:47

This reply has been deleted

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/05/2015 03:54

Defintiely YANBU!

Keep telling him No.
Stop him from trying to discuss it any more.
Ask him when he'll be paying back the loans (that should keep him away for a bit!)
Tell him that he is risking your friendship if he continues to browbeat and bully you into doing something that you cannot and do not want to do (Yes, BULLY)

Then block his number or refuse to answer the phone to him if that lot doesn't work.

Morelikeguidelines · 01/05/2015 07:11

45 mins? How lovely to have such a short commute.

londonrach · 01/05/2015 08:51

Have reported ruby the spellcaster to mnhq as not part of this discussion. Op keep saying no. Go out tomorrow or dont answer the door...

blushingbooty · 01/05/2015 09:23

Me too londonrach. OP hold firm, no discussions, no talking about it. Don't let him try to talk you around and if he starts just say 'we aren't discussing this, our answer is no.'

NurseP · 01/05/2015 10:10

Please don't put yourself in the situation where other people's problems become yours. My husband and I are I a three bed house and the times we have had to fend off people 'stating for just a few days' - it never ends there! After having our fingers burnt we now say no. We both work shifts and don't want anybody using our home. It sounds like you too have helped in the past and now it's expected. Break this cycle now!! If they are truly your friends they will understand and not want to make you feel obliged or put on the spot, if not then they are no loss to you. Not sorting out their living arrangements because they expect to be able to manipulate you into doing as they want with no regards for your life and feelings on the matter is unacceptable and pretty shitty behaviour. I know how hard it is to say no but please don't let these expectations continue!

dustarr73 · 01/05/2015 10:29

Just text him NO you wont be there so tehre is no poing knocking over.You will never be rid of him.If he cant take no for an answer now he will be in your 1 bedroom flat forever,

RoboticSealpup · 01/05/2015 10:45

YANBU. I know the type. Vampires. Don't ever, ever give them anything.

Aussiemum78 · 01/05/2015 10:52

He isn't coming to "stay over" for a discussion, he's going to try and move in!

When you said no he was already counting on moving in this weekend so he's hoping by turning up he will put you on the spot.

threenotfour · 01/05/2015 10:58

I was on the fence about this until you posted that he wants to come over and discuss it after being told no!! That's actually very rude on his part. He asked and you answered no. That's it. Alarm bells ringing now. If he's this pushy then you do NOT want him in your home. When 10 days are up will he want to have dinner to 'discuss' him staying longer! I would definitely not meet with him tomorrow either. It is not up for discussion. It's your home not a b&b.

SunnyBaudelaire · 01/05/2015 10:59

is it London? there are plenty of really cheap hostels available these days for as little as a tenner a night.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/05/2015 11:21

"Dear pisstaking friend,

No, you can't come to stay tomorrow night 'to discuss things further - because there is nothing to discuss. We have made our decision and will not be able to put you up.

We suggest you explore some other options for accomodation.

Love 'n hugs,

OneStep and OneStep's DP"

AmIbeingTreasonable · 01/05/2015 12:26

Op, please repeat after me, "Not my circus, not my monkeys", i.e. this is not your issue, say no, do not offer any reasons why as that just gives him a chance to "discuss" the issues and try to change your mind.

TheMaddHugger · 01/05/2015 23:10

Update OP Please Flowers

MagicHouse · 01/05/2015 23:22

Hope you put him off. (Please don't tell us he's on the sofa!)

GammonAndEgg · 01/05/2015 23:24

Says it all really!

AIBU to refuse to let him stay?
Original poster
OneStepOneStumble · 02/05/2015 13:12

Thank you Mumsnet - we firmly said no again, said he was welcome to stay the one night between his two biggest exams if he was absolutely desperate and willing to play by the ground rules we set for such a small flat.

Got a sheepish reply saying he was on the train home to his parents.

I still feel guilty but also sort of want to celebrate the victory Blush

OP posts: