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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that MIL should NOT be doing the 100 + mile round trip to pick DSD up in Saturday?

89 replies

Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 14:18

DSD (5) lives with her DM through the week about 60 miles away. DP is very busy lambing and calving at the moment and has proposed that MIL goes to collect her on Saturday morning.

This would be all well and good if it wasn't for the fact that MIL is 68, crippled with arthritis, on 24 hour oxygen (she has mobile oxygen for car journeys) and can barely see over the steering wheel. She is very eager to go and pick DSD up - understandably she gets cabin fever as she can't go outside so much, especially since the temperature has cooled down quite a lot.

DSD's DM says that she has work at 9:00am but she will drive 5 miles in our direction to lessen MILs journey time. MIL will be setting off just after 7am so that she can get there for 8:30 and DSDs DM will be able to get to work on time.

I know that DP wants to see DSD but FGS!! I mean would any of you mumsnetters be happy to put your child at risk like this??

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 30/04/2015 17:55

Yes employ someone on a Sat as if people have an endless pot of cash to fund that.

It isnt permanently. It is seasonal. It would only be for as long as the lambing/calving. OP said a month or two. It wouldnt require an "endless pot of cash" at all. He can plan his annual finances to allow for it. Op said she finishes work at 2pm so he could have someone on the farm til 2 pm and spend the morning/lunchtime with his dd and then handover to OP (if she is happy with that- i assume she is as she is already doing it) it is doable if he wanted to. Although not wanting to is an entirely different matter.

AuntieDee · 30/04/2015 18:04

Surleycue - even planning for it, people still cant expect farmers to be able to magic up the funds. It's a bit like telling someone who is struggling to get a nanny or a cleaner. Great if you can afford it...

OP - about the sleepover. Could this happen at yours instead of the mother's? If the girl's parents are happy for her to stay over at the mother's surely they would allow it at yours too? It might even make her feel more part of the family if she can involve her friends? I thought of it because I used to love going to my friend's dad's for foaling - surely lambing would be a great thing for her to involve her friend in?

SurlyCue · 30/04/2015 18:18

Well if he really cant find funds for 8 days help on the farm to spend a few hours with his daughter then he'll have to arrange something else. Tbh it sounds like he just expects other people to pick up his slack (OP, his ill mother!) and it is accepted because everyone knows farmers work every hour but if he only gets to see his daughter weekends then he really should organise things so that she is actually getting some decent time with him. Otherwise there is no point to her coming just to be watched by other people because he has no time for her.

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 19:45

Got sorted!! I have got in touch with DPs niece and she will drive over with MIL on Saturday! Thank god for that!! Weight of my mind!

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 30/04/2015 20:15

Well done you! Smile

Idontseeanydragons · 30/04/2015 20:24

Good news Smile
It all comes out right in the end!

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 01/05/2015 07:34

Victory for common sense!!

OP posts:
Bakeoffcake · 01/05/2015 13:18

Well done for sorting this out. You sound like a lovely SM and DIL Flowers

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 01/05/2015 19:09

I don't get treated like one bakeoff
MIL isn't my biggest fan - she's a very difficult woman to get on with and to be fair she doesn't really seem to like anyone!

Not to mention the way DP lets DSD speak to me!

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 02/05/2015 18:02

YANBU the mother is though!
Have you ever though of going to family court to sort out the problems of your husband and yourself having to do all the traveling.That's really not on,the mother chose to move so far away so should share the responsibility of dropping of and picking up her daughter.

As for your poor MIL,there is no way on God' earth I would let her do all that driving,what if she had an accident on the way to pick the little girl up,none of you would ever forgive yourselves.Let alone if she had an accident after picking up the little girl,it doesn't bare thinking about.

And I do get what you mean about the lambing.I haven't been raised on a working farm but have been around a lot of them and have stayed on one before.Farming is one of the hardest jobs in the world and one of the most under valued and under paid and the suicide rate is very very high unfortunately amongst the owners of farms.It's no wonder really.

somewheresomehow · 02/05/2015 20:11

I love the way people on here say that a farmer in the middle of lambing/calving should be able to drop everything to do 100 odd mile round trip to get his daughter and then get arsey because he cant. they obviously dont understand just how busy/stressful/hectic it is
disclaimer- i am not a farmer but do understand the problem

honeyroar · 02/05/2015 20:44

I'm glad that it worked out. In future I would tell his ex that if she wNts to arrange sleepovers and change arrangements during lambing season she must drive Dsd over herself.

As for the child not seeing her dad because he is off lambing, well I live in a sheep farming area, and the whole family, including small kids, are involved. It's a great thing for children to experience and learn from. I would imagine she would be out on the farm with her dad, and M iL would be able to spend time with her otherwise. Farming is a way of life, you almost have to be born into it to understand it!

Isetan · 02/05/2015 21:29

Your DP was prepared to let his barely able mother embark on a long journey to collect his daughter, for a contact visit where he will barely be present. DP also expects you to do the lions share of childcare and for this, you are thanked by him letting his daughter be rude to you.

Well done for prioritising the safety of your DSD but your DP has his priorities all wrong and I do not understand why your anger seems almost exclusively reserved for his Ex. Is it easier to be angry at her than to accept that your DP doesn't appear to prioritise his own child and is more than happy for others to take up his slack?

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 03/05/2015 20:58

isetan you're right, he expects to be waited on hand and foot (in more ways than one) and I've told him that he needs to start standing on his own two feet. His ex has caused a lot of problems in the past, she's played mind games with ALL of us including DSD, so I'm very suspicious of her but she's left herself completely open to scrutiny.

IBe only recently started pulling DSD up on her rudeness recently, largely due to the fact that we now have a 21 month old DD together and she mimics everything her big sister does, I won't stand for her being as rude to me as DSD is

OP posts:
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