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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that MIL should NOT be doing the 100 + mile round trip to pick DSD up in Saturday?

89 replies

Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 14:18

DSD (5) lives with her DM through the week about 60 miles away. DP is very busy lambing and calving at the moment and has proposed that MIL goes to collect her on Saturday morning.

This would be all well and good if it wasn't for the fact that MIL is 68, crippled with arthritis, on 24 hour oxygen (she has mobile oxygen for car journeys) and can barely see over the steering wheel. She is very eager to go and pick DSD up - understandably she gets cabin fever as she can't go outside so much, especially since the temperature has cooled down quite a lot.

DSD's DM says that she has work at 9:00am but she will drive 5 miles in our direction to lessen MILs journey time. MIL will be setting off just after 7am so that she can get there for 8:30 and DSDs DM will be able to get to work on time.

I know that DP wants to see DSD but FGS!! I mean would any of you mumsnetters be happy to put your child at risk like this??

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 30/04/2015 14:52

I think he needs to do the drive himself. He must leave the lambing for more than two hours at other times throughout March and April, he just needs to do it at a time he'd normally be there this once.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 30/04/2015 14:54

In that case Peppa, I'd point out to your DH that his DD's visits are supposed to be for them to spend quality time together and encourage him to cancel this time. It's not really on to rope his mum into doing such a big trip when she's not in great health, then leave all the childcare to you while he works. Obviously his job isn't as flexible as most so he does have to work, but if he can't even spare the time to collect her, the visit isn't serving the purpose it should. I'm a great fan of step parents (especially ones who contribute as much as you appear to) but she should be spending a bit of time with her dad on these visits.

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 14:55

We've hd a really crappy week with the farm and to be fair he's barely slept and is snappy and reluctant to leave anything. He just says that he'd be driving like a lunatic to get there and back quickly and end up having an accident

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 30/04/2015 14:57

I'd day it was tough if she had a friend over or not. She either comes on Friday or not at all.

No it's not fair mil has to go get her. Dd 2 is not allowed in mils car for her health reasons. The battle I had to go through to prevent it was unreal.

Quitelikely · 30/04/2015 14:58

If your MiL is deemed safe enough to drive by the authorities then imo you should leave it well alone.

Happyyellowcar · 30/04/2015 15:00

If MIL thinks she is capable of the drive and she is looking forward to it then it seems cruel to kick up a fuss IMO. She will feel like she is helping (which she is!) and I am sure she would not want any harm to come to herself or DSD either! She is an adult!

hoobypickypicky · 30/04/2015 15:02

It's fair enough that DP does every commute. He has his child just 2 days a week, her mother does the work for the other five.

It's also not unreasonable for the mother's partner not to mind the little girl. If like you he wants to and is willing to, all well and good, but she is not his child and there's no responsibility upon him to do it.

Your partner's being unreasonable but I doubt there's anything you can do. He can't leave the animals on his farm, that's clear and understandable, but he's still a father and he needs to put in place some way of making time for his child. Other working parents have to arrange safe transport which doesn't take advantage of elder, unwell family members, others have to take time out of work to be with their kids, others have to find stand ins, others have to find childcare. He needs to reassess.

SurlyCue · 30/04/2015 15:05

I think DH needs to plan ahead and employ someone on the farm for lambing season/calving season when his daughter is visiting tbh. Its not really fair on anyone to have this situation repeating. His options are literally to cancel contact or have his barely capable mother collect an babysit her while he works. Its not fair on DD is it? He needs to manage it better.

diddl · 30/04/2015 15:06

If she can be collected on the friday night & the obstacle is a friend then I agree that that should be cancelled & she should be collected as usual.

\it's not on for arrangements to be made that cut into her dad's access time (other than by him)

Equally, I don't think he should just be cancelling access just because he's busy & her mum's partner doesn't work.

He should be putting things in place to make time to see his daughter when she's there!

He does sound stressed, but to be making excuses as to why he shouldn't collect his daughter-poor girl!

If the mum moved away, then perhaps it can be changed that the parents meet half way?

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 15:08

Oh the other five days when she's at school for 6 hours a week and has 2 after school clubs so she sees her on a morning briefly before school and afterwards when she's knackered as well as the £80 per week maintenence he pays (that we can hardly afford) I really don't think that it is fair that we do every commute. It should be 50/50. That must mean that there's no responsibility upon me to look after DSD either, if so it certainly doesn't feel like it!!

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 30/04/2015 15:10

But there is some one available on the agreed day. Every one needs to stick to that. Rather than let dd or her mother make an easy situatuon very hard.

Idontseeanydragons · 30/04/2015 15:10

Does MIL have a friend who would be willing to do the journey with her as support? You could maybe sell it as company and help with DSD during potential traffic problems.

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 15:11

diddl this is what I've said all along. If it was DP who moved away and took DSD with him then you can bet your bottom dollar that DSDs DM would be demanding that we fetched and carried her each way

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 30/04/2015 15:12

I don't think he is making excuses ....

There was an agreed date of pick up. He didn't change that.

Work on farms is not min- fri 9-5 . If Dd was living with him full time he still have to do it and she would still have to sit with nan or SM.

diddl · 30/04/2015 15:13

So if you weren't there, what would be happening??

Who would look after her then?

I get that he's busy, but does he not want to spend time with her?

Is it only lambing/calving time that's a problem?

How big a chunk of time is that as he obviously sees very little of her as it is (one day a week?)

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 15:15

I asked SIL if she was free to sit in the car with MIL or even drive over there but she's at work too. I can't really think of my key else off the top of my head but certainly something to consider!

We've already put it to DSDs mum that she cancel the friend but she's refused as she had to cancel her last week due to us wanting to pick her up last Friday night and it's part of her birthday week (she turned 5 last week)

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 30/04/2015 15:15

You think he should cancel because it's inconvenient for him this week? Where exactly does this child fit into his list of priorities - somewhere below the sheep apparently. Hmm

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 15:19

I think people don't realise how intense lambing and calving really is. You never know what's going to go wrong, if you need to call the vet out to a problem or chasing a sheep around a 10 acre field trying to catch it because it's got a lamb hanging out of its fadge. We were up until 3am on Tuesday night due to calling the vet out to a cow that needed a caesarean!

He doesn't get to spend much time with her but that can't be helped to a degree. It should all calm down by the end of next month. At the end of the day a good lambing and calving is our bread and butter so it is totally worth all of this effort

OP posts:
hoobypickypicky · 30/04/2015 15:19

No, of course there's no responsibility for you to look after the little girl either. That you do is great, all respect and credit to you, but she's not your child and there is, or at least should be, no onus upon you to care for her.

But be fair. With the other five days she's at school and then at home knackered, (and possibly tetchy because of it) come five days of cooking, cleaning, washing, the school run, after school club run, a 5/7 chance of being up in the night if she's ill, a 5/7 chance of having to take unpaid leave if the child is too ill for school. In terms of ease it's easier to care for ones own child for 2 days out of 7 than it is 5 days out of 7.

It's not you that I'm taking issue with Peppa. I think you're going over and above the call of duty. It's your DP who, I think, needs to sit down and make proper provision for his child. Maintenance has nothing to do with it.

Idontseeanydragons · 30/04/2015 15:20

I'm guessing not many farmers on this thread..

diddl · 30/04/2015 15:20

I thought that you usually collected on Friday night?

So she should be asking your partner if a Saturday morning collect is convenient.

Sleepovers can be done in holidays.

That said, if she wouldn't be seeing her dad if she came on the Friday night...

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 15:21

Well I have to look after her! And as I've said if we have a shit lambing and calving then we go without heat, food etc!! It's worth it for a month or two

OP posts:
AuntieDee · 30/04/2015 15:21

I can't believe her mother has allowed a sleep over on a day when she should be with her dad. Cancelling the sleep over will solve all problems.

shewept · 30/04/2015 15:23

barbarian the child mother has also said this travel arrangement is ok. So does the dm not care either?

Yes he needs to sort alternative childcare. But I think your post is uncalled for.

diddl · 30/04/2015 15:23

"I'm guessing not many farmers on this thread.."

Maybe not, but her dad is, so it can't come to a surprise to him that things are difficult this time of the year so that perhaps he could be looking at putting measures in place to allow him to see as much of his daughter as possible.

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