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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that MIL should NOT be doing the 100 + mile round trip to pick DSD up in Saturday?

89 replies

Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 14:18

DSD (5) lives with her DM through the week about 60 miles away. DP is very busy lambing and calving at the moment and has proposed that MIL goes to collect her on Saturday morning.

This would be all well and good if it wasn't for the fact that MIL is 68, crippled with arthritis, on 24 hour oxygen (she has mobile oxygen for car journeys) and can barely see over the steering wheel. She is very eager to go and pick DSD up - understandably she gets cabin fever as she can't go outside so much, especially since the temperature has cooled down quite a lot.

DSD's DM says that she has work at 9:00am but she will drive 5 miles in our direction to lessen MILs journey time. MIL will be setting off just after 7am so that she can get there for 8:30 and DSDs DM will be able to get to work on time.

I know that DP wants to see DSD but FGS!! I mean would any of you mumsnetters be happy to put your child at risk like this??

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 15:24

diddl at this time of year yes I do usually collect her on a Friday night but when it's quieter DP will go over and get her. hooby sorry I get p**d off because before she decided to move about a year ago we were having DSD 4/5 night a week whilst she was out enjoying herself, that was from the ages of 14months until she was 4 and moved away. I just think the whole situation is unfair

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 15:25

Plus DSDs DM only works Friday and Saturday mornings

OP posts:
Idontseeanydragons · 30/04/2015 15:25

His Ex P is also presumably aware that it's a stressful busy time of the year that they need to get through in order to actually pay the bills and in order to facilitate access with their child she could be a little more flexible.

QOD · 30/04/2015 15:25

Mil just has to take breaks. Work out a route so she can stop somewhere for a bit?

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 15:27

schwept exactly I can't believe that BOTH of them are thinking that this is OK!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 15:28

Yes dragons she is completely aware! She does her best to be awkward which is funny seeing as though she cheated on him

OP posts:
diddl · 30/04/2015 15:28

I think it is difficult if both parents are OK with the arrangement.

Idontseeanydragons · 30/04/2015 15:30

Diddl's right, if both parents are fine with it then there's not much you can do.

Heels99 · 30/04/2015 15:31

The sleepover should be rearranged so your dh can pick her up on Friday.

Farming must be fabulously well paid to be worth all,this hassle.

BarbarianMum · 30/04/2015 15:32

I'm sorry OP if my post was too harsh. On reflection I think it was. And I do have first hand experience of lambing.

But children have to be fitted in round work - non resident as well as resident.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 30/04/2015 15:33

I know it's not very nice for your DSD but surely the sleepover can be rearranged. She would have to get up and leave it really early anyway with this crazy arrangement. I don't think time with her dad and family should be cancelled for a week

hoobypickypicky · 30/04/2015 15:34

"hooby sorry I get p**d off because before she decided to move about a year ago we were having DSD 4/5 night a week whilst she was out enjoying herself, that was from the ages of 14months until she was 4 and moved away. I just think the whole situation is unfair"

I hear your pissed-offedness loud and clear!

So the mum decided to move. You can't hold that against her - she's an adult and shouldn't be tied down to a certain area.

The issue of 4/5 nights a week (and what the mum was doing in that time is not your business or your DP's, be fair!) going down to 2 nights a week is surely a blessing in practical terms if your DP hasn't even time to collect her and be with her for those 2 nights?

If it's anything other than a convenience that the 4/5 nights has gone down to 2 and you'd both like more time, and your DP is willing and able to spend more time with his daughter then he needs either to sort it out amicably with the ex or to get it set in stone via the courts.

You sound annoyed with the mum for daring to move, daring to have a life of her own, when she does the lions share of care and it's your DP who's leaving his share to you. I think your anger's being pointed in the wrong direction tbh although I do feel for you.

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 15:34

It isn't heels but would you throw away 3 generations of hard work because you weren't on an amazing salary? I know. Wouldnt

OP posts:
nickersinaknot · 30/04/2015 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fleecyleesy · 30/04/2015 15:42

I think the best solution would be to ask someone else to get DSD. Pay their petrol and offer them actual payment as well if appropriate/necessary.

Eg do you or do have any siblings, friends or other relatives who could fetch dsd?

bakingaddict · 30/04/2015 15:46

I'm not a farmer but surely you know when the key seasons are coming up so why doesn't your DP have the foresight to arrange visits with his ex regarding DSD which are more convenient for everyone concerned. Perhaps in lambing season visits could be less frequent but increased in less busy times.

You say a sleepover was already cancelled because of changes your DP made regarding picking up his child. It's not fair that your DSD's life is subject to last minute changes just because your DP can't organize his farming committments and childcare responsibilites in advance.

nickersinaknot · 30/04/2015 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 16:22

baking when it comes to farming, especially in busy periods like lambing and calving you cannot organise anything!! You never just know when something is going to go wrong. It's called Sod's law. Ive just texted my brother to ask if he can go and after that there's my mum but she'll likely be working too

OP posts:
lunar1 · 30/04/2015 16:27

The mum should be doing the traveling. It's bloody cheeky to move so far away and expect the other parent to do all the running round.

bakingaddict · 30/04/2015 16:38

Peppa but your DP knows when these seasons are coming, it's not like lambing season in the spring is a total suprise to a farmer so why not a bit of forward planning regarding his DD.

He is capable of organizing in advance like a normal parent does is he not? The arrangement between him and his ex seems pretty flexible so why can't he a month before lambing season begins speak with her regarding pick-ups and how they are going to manage them through this stressful period. It's not an issue about farming but effectively managing all his priorities

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 30/04/2015 16:56

we've done all this, we've asked if she can drop DSD off and then we can take her back (I have Sunday's off so this isn't generally a problem). She said that she would do it for £25 petrol money!! So that would mean that she's getting £105 per week that we can barely afford (we have another child too) and £25 of that is for driving her own daughter to see her dad! Even I don't ask for petrol money to go and pick DSD up in my car that I insure, tax, service MOT and fuel without any monetary input from DP so why the hell should she expect money for a journey that she should be making anyway?!

I'm sorry but she is just as awkward as her arse and always has been

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 30/04/2015 17:13

Then stop engaging with her and looking to her to sort your solution. She obviously isn't interested in helping you through this. If your DP wants to retain contact with his DD then as harsh as it sounds it's up to him to come up with ways to facilitate it. There is no point trying to get her help and it will just infuriate you both when she point blank refuses.

I do actually feel sorry for you when you have to deal with somebody who is delibrately obstructive and perhaps the only way is to see if you can change some shifts in lambing season so you can do the pick-up or have your DSD less. I know it's not fair on any of you but it's a safer option

SurlyCue · 30/04/2015 17:24

I think your DP should be employing someone to do saturdays during the busy seasons tbh. It isnt even just an issue of having no time to collect her, he isnt even spending any of the contact time with her. Its contact with you or your MIL! That isnt fair on DD. He should at least give her one of the weekend days or even a chunk of the day for them to spend time together. Otherwise he might as well cancel contact because she isnt getting it anyway.

DinosaursRoar · 30/04/2015 17:34

I think you need to sit your DP down and say again you are very afraid that it's just not safe for MIL to pick her up. He can't just stick his head in the sand about this because he's busy and it's easier to put his child at risk than find another solution.

The other solution is to tell his ExW that he can only pick DSD up on the Friday night. So either the exW rearranges the sleepover so he can do that, or she makes other childcare arrangements for the saturday she's at work as you'll not be able to get DSD on the Saturday morning and MIL is not safe to do the drive.

If ExW needs DSD to be at your house on Saturday/Sunday, then she'll have to rearrange the friend staying.

If she doesn't need you to have DSD on the Saturday (becuase she has an unemployed DP who can do the childcare) then you'll have to find a solution that's not dangerous. MIL isn't an option, paying someone else might well be.

nickersinaknot · 30/04/2015 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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