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Original poster

Sending wedding invitations to guests who will likely be breastfeeding

109 replies

DiDiddlyIDi · 30/04/2015 06:36

Apologies for a wedding related question, but I have searched threads on here and not come up with an answer. We are getting married this summer and there will be some day guests with babies. One with a 2week old, another with a 10 week old and another 12 week old (if all due dates go to plan) Am I right to understand that we must invite the baby along? (for clarity I think we must but I want to check)

Is it a given that nursing mothers expect their baby to be invited?
Given that all of these guests will be travelling over 200 miles to the wedding. In fact 2 are coming from overseas but grandparents are in the UK, so they will be able to leave them with their grandparents (total assumption here) but they will still realistically not be with baby for a minimum of 30 hours.

Also regarding evening guests, we have one with a 16 month old coming from overseas who has no relatives in the UK, I am sure we must invite their child? We have another 2 guests with babies under 6 months (assume still breastfeeding), I guess we really should invite them. But then what will the people with 11 months old think? Oh I am so confused and want everyone to come and everyone to be happy but we were also quite set on no children apart from nieces and nephews. For context the guest list is running at 270 without babies (we originally wanted 130 day and extra 50 at night, but my mother has run away with the guest list and is filling it up like the electoral roll)

OP posts:
CruCru · 30/04/2015 09:55

The parents of the 2 week old may not come in any case - I'd have found a wedding a bit of a nightmare with such a young child.

OvertiredandConfused · 30/04/2015 09:55

When we got married 16 years ago (gulp), I only invited adults. We had a letter accompanying the invitations with various bits of practical information - hotels, travel, parking etc. In that, we said explicitly that although we were not able to invite children generally owing to numbers, if that caused a problem for the parents (for whatever reason, be it feeding, childcare etc) we would welcome the children as we really wanted the parents to be able to join us.

It worked surprisingly well - some were more than happy to leave even quite young children and have some fun with no responsibility for children but another couple had to bring their children who were a bit older as there was no reasonable option to leave them overnight.

Everyone was treated the same so no resentment!

CruCru · 30/04/2015 09:57

Actually, I've just reread the OP and I think I'd have turned down the invitation of I had a baby under 1 - a 200 mile journey with a baby is a mission.

JassyRadlett · 30/04/2015 09:58

I think I've put my finger on why I find the 'we want you to have fun and let your hair down without your kids' slightly irritating - it's the host assuming on my behalf what will be the most fun/hassle-free for me.

We invited kids, about a third came because the parents made their own decisions about what would be the most fun for them. Only three kids were over one, two of whom were in the wedding party.

But then, my bridesmaid had 11 week old twins and DH's best man had a newborn....

zzzzz · 30/04/2015 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nickersinaknot · 30/04/2015 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedToothBrush · 30/04/2015 10:11

If you can't stand up to your own mother regarding the wedding, god help you in the future if you have children.

Now would be a good time to grow a backbone.

chiruri · 30/04/2015 10:22

Our wedding was small-ish due to the size of the venue, so we decided to not invite children who would take a place at a table (basically 6 months or older). After the invites went out I contacted those with children under 6 months and gave them the option of bringing their DCs. One couple brought their 8 week old and she ended up being the star of the show! She is a little stunner so I'm not surprised Grin. The other (about 3 couples) either ended up not coming (as their babies were too young and they didn't want the stress) or left them with family (and loved having a night off). There were absolutely no complaints from parents of older children, and no one decided not to come because I hadn't invited the older DCs.
Now as a mother of a now EBF 16 week old, I have accepted invites to weddings both including and excluding her. We took her to an evening only wedding a few weeks ago and regretted it as she ended up far too late for bed and very grumpy. For the upcoming weddings we have decided to get grandparent childcare, as they live locally (DD will be about 6 months at that point).

toddlerwrangling · 30/04/2015 10:26

We were invited to a wedding by a family member of DH which he had been really looking forward to - the initial "save the date" card made no mention of children, but when the full invitation arrived, a few weeks beforehand, it was a "no exceptions" child free wedding. DD was just 7 months and still bf round the clock. We had no-one to leave her with (my family live a long way away), and the wedding would have been a 6-hr drive away plus two nights in a reasonably expensive hotel - for me to sit in the hotel with DD whilst DH went!

Not surprisingly we declined. DH was quite angry and upset, really: he felt it was incredibly rude to invite us deliberately knowing that either we couldn't attend anyway, or effectively to invite him and exclude his family. He had been looking forward to introducing DD to his cousins, etc. and ended up saying "if my family isn't really invited, I don't think I can come either". We declined (politely of course!) but it caused a lot of ill-feeling on DH's part; and the bride and groom were very sniffy in reply about how we clearly didn't want to get childcare (clearly not getting that it's nearly impossible to rustle up a babysitter in a random hotel that you'd leave a BF 7-month-old with who'd never been away from mum).

The couple had a baby the following year - and surprise, they made the most enormous fuss about how they could never leave him ever!

Anyway, just to reiterate what another pp said above - if you exclude babies under a year do be prepared for some ill feeling, whatever others say about "it's your day" etc. etc. The reason is that to parents of very young babies it seems obvious why they can't be left, and it comes across to the baby's parents as inviting people but still making sure they can't come anyway - which to new, sleep deprived and sensitive parents, feels like a very passive-aggressive thing to do, whether it's intended in that way or not!

BlinkAndMiss · 30/04/2015 10:28

You have to be fair with a blanket approach - you either have children there or you don't. 'Babes in arms' is open to misinterpretations and allows people to deliberately misunderstand. The last thing you want is for a guest from abroad to organise childcare for a baby to then turn up to loads of other people who have decided that their babies are 'babes in arms' and then become offended. If the guest list is too big to include children, who belong to your friends, then you need to get your mother's friends off there so you can be more accommodating for your own.

If you don't want children there then you need to say so, telling one family it's fine for their baby but not for another is unfair. My baby at 6 months was the same to me when he was 11 months, in fact it was probably harder to leave an 11month old for a length of time because they are more aware. Also, 30 hours is a long time to find a babysitter for, older babies are very hard work. If guests decline because you haven't invited their children then expect theme to remain offended, things don't go back to 'normal' after weddings - the fall out can be immense. I'm only saying this because there appears to be so many people attending your wedding who are not actually your friends that it might offend your actual friends if you can't accommodate them. You could try to amend this by telling them the exact situation.

SylvaniansAtEase · 30/04/2015 10:31

Off point somewhat, but I hope that you take this as a salutary lesson in letting your apparent bulldozer of a mother have any sort of financial hold over you in future!

Most loving parents would, even if helping financially, respect their adult child's wishes on how they want their own wedding to be.

Take a top tip here and keep your mother at arm's length in future re houses/children/childcare, and your life and marriage will probably be happier for it :)

Re babies - if we're talking about a handful of people here, then I would go case by case. Some parents of 6 month olds would happily leave them with granny for a night. Other parents of 16 month olds would simply not be prepared to leave them for an evening. Every situation is different. I'd get in touch and start from the point that they can be fitted in if it's absolutely necessary.

Good luck - the actual day will be a complete blur anyway!

Bunbaker · 30/04/2015 10:32

"I'm only saying this because there appears to be so many people attending your wedding who are not actually your friends that it might offend your actual friends if you can't accommodate them."

I agree with this

slithytove · 30/04/2015 10:35

My dd is 7 mo old and still bf to sleep and through the night, so I would decline on that basis unless I could bring childcare.

Depends how badly you want the parents there.

Lj8893 · 30/04/2015 10:38

We have invited all children who are within the family but no children of friends, unless babes in arms. We would be overrun with kids otherwise!! Nobody has had an issue with it.

Micah · 30/04/2015 10:41

What's your venue like?

I went to a wedding once where small babies (under 3) were welcome. They provided a side room of the main room, with one door opening into the main room. Everyone brought travel cots/buggies/carrycots. 7pm and in time for the partying we put the babies to bed, and took it in turns checking.

It worked really well as those bf or with no babysitters still had a child free evening :)

ShadowFire · 30/04/2015 10:50

If you want the breastfeeding mothers to be able to come, you need to invite the babies.

If you do invite the babies, I would phrase it as "babes in arms" and not give a specific age cut off.

My breastfed baby was much closer to 12 months by the time weaning had progressed enough for him to be left without me for a full day. Weaning is a slow process and not something that magically happens overnight at 6 months.

I also wouldn't discriminate between breast fed and bottle fed babes in arms. Many parents will be reluctant to leave a tiny, few weeks old baby for a full day regardless of how it's fed.

ShadowFire · 30/04/2015 10:51

If you want the breastfeeding mothers to be able to come, you need to invite the babies.

If you do invite the babies, I would phrase it as "babes in arms" and not give a specific age cut off.

My breastfed baby was much closer to 12 months by the time weaning had progressed enough for him to be left without me for a full day. Weaning is a slow process and not something that magically happens overnight at 6 months.

I also wouldn't discriminate between breast fed and bottle fed babes in arms. Many parents will be reluctant to leave a tiny, few weeks old baby for a full day regardless of how it's fed.

ShadowFire · 30/04/2015 10:52

If you want the breastfeeding mothers to be able to come, you need to invite the babies.

If you do invite the babies, I would phrase it as "babes in arms" and not give a specific age cut off.

My breastfed baby was much closer to 12 months by the time weaning had progressed enough for him to be left without me for a full day. Weaning is a slow process and not something that magically happens overnight at 6 months.

I also wouldn't discriminate between breast fed and bottle fed babes in arms. Many parents will be reluctant to leave a tiny, few weeks old baby for a full day regardless of how it's fed.

ShadowFire · 30/04/2015 10:53

If you want the breastfeeding mothers to be able to come, you need to invite the babies.

If you do invite the babies, I would phrase it as "babes in arms" and not give a specific age cut off.

My breastfed baby was much closer to 12 months by the time weaning had progressed enough for him to be left without me for a full day. Weaning is a slow process and not something that magically happens overnight at 6 months.

I also wouldn't discriminate between breast fed and bottle fed babes in arms. Many parents will be reluctant to leave a tiny, few weeks old baby for a full day regardless of how it's fed.

ShadowFire · 30/04/2015 10:53

If you want the breastfeeding mothers to be able to come, you need to invite the babies.

If you do invite the babies, I would phrase it as "babes in arms" and not give a specific age cut off.

My breastfed baby was much closer to 12 months by the time weaning had progressed enough for him to be left without me for a full day. Weaning is a slow process and not something that magically happens overnight at 6 months.

I also wouldn't discriminate between breast fed and bottle fed babes in arms. Many parents will be reluctant to leave a tiny, few weeks old baby for a full day regardless of how it's fed.

ShadowFire · 30/04/2015 10:54

If you want the breastfeeding mothers to be able to come, you need to invite the babies.

If you do invite the babies, I would phrase it as "babes in arms" and not give a specific age cut off.

My breastfed baby was much closer to 12 months by the time weaning had progressed enough for him to be left without me for a full day. Weaning is a slow process and not something that magically happens overnight at 6 months.

I also wouldn't discriminate between breast fed and bottle fed babes in arms. Many parents will be reluctant to leave a tiny, few weeks old baby for a full day regardless of how it's fed.

ShadowFire · 30/04/2015 10:55

If you want the breastfeeding mothers to be able to come, you need to invite the babies.

If you do invite the babies, I would phrase it as "babes in arms" and not give a specific age cut off.

My breastfed baby was much closer to 12 months by the time weaning had progressed enough for him to be left without me for a full day. Weaning is a slow process and not something that magically happens overnight at 6 months.

I also wouldn't discriminate between breast fed and bottle fed babes in arms. Many parents will be reluctant to leave a tiny, few weeks old baby for a full day regardless of how it's fed.

ShadowFire · 30/04/2015 10:55

If you want the breastfeeding mothers to be able to come, you need to invite the babies.

If you do invite the babies, I would phrase it as "babes in arms" and not give a specific age cut off.

My breastfed baby was much closer to 12 months by the time weaning had progressed enough for him to be left without me for a full day. Weaning is a slow process and not something that magically happens overnight at 6 months.

I also wouldn't discriminate between breast fed and bottle fed babes in arms. Many parents will be reluctant to leave a tiny, few weeks old baby for a full day regardless of how it's fed.

ShadowFire · 30/04/2015 10:56

If you want the breastfeeding mothers to be able to come, you need to invite the babies.

If you do invite the babies, I would phrase it as "babes in arms" and not give a specific age cut off.

My breastfed baby was much closer to 12 months by the time weaning had progressed enough for him to be left without me for a full day. Weaning is a slow process and not something that magically happens overnight at 6 months.

I also wouldn't discriminate between breast fed and bottle fed babes in arms. Many parents will be reluctant to leave a tiny, few weeks old baby for a full day regardless of how it's fed.

GloGirl · 30/04/2015 11:17

Chill out ShadowFire Grin