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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sending wedding invitations to guests who will likely be breastfeeding

109 replies

DiDiddlyIDi · 30/04/2015 06:36

Apologies for a wedding related question, but I have searched threads on here and not come up with an answer. We are getting married this summer and there will be some day guests with babies. One with a 2week old, another with a 10 week old and another 12 week old (if all due dates go to plan) Am I right to understand that we must invite the baby along? (for clarity I think we must but I want to check)

Is it a given that nursing mothers expect their baby to be invited?
Given that all of these guests will be travelling over 200 miles to the wedding. In fact 2 are coming from overseas but grandparents are in the UK, so they will be able to leave them with their grandparents (total assumption here) but they will still realistically not be with baby for a minimum of 30 hours.

Also regarding evening guests, we have one with a 16 month old coming from overseas who has no relatives in the UK, I am sure we must invite their child? We have another 2 guests with babies under 6 months (assume still breastfeeding), I guess we really should invite them. But then what will the people with 11 months old think? Oh I am so confused and want everyone to come and everyone to be happy but we were also quite set on no children apart from nieces and nephews. For context the guest list is running at 270 without babies (we originally wanted 130 day and extra 50 at night, but my mother has run away with the guest list and is filling it up like the electoral roll)

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 30/04/2015 07:17

Speak to them individually. Some might be using a bottle. I left my three month old (bottle fed) with my sister for two nights to go to a wedding.

sandgrown · 30/04/2015 07:21

Well said nurse. Bump why would you not trust grandparents to care for your baby? If they do not see baby often they would probably love the opportunity. Up to reaching the clingy stage most babies do not mind who cares for them IMHO though obviously if BF it is different.

nooka · 30/04/2015 07:24

Babes in arms are welcome seems like a good compromise for you, although personally I like children at weddings. I really wouldn't say anything along the lines of 'we made the wedding child free because we thought you'd like a night off' it's incredibly patronising (you parents can't take a a night off without me kindly arranging that for you) and just untrue. People who have child free weddings do so because they don't want (or can't afford) children at their celebration. Which is their prerogative of course, and I get that it might lead to a different sorts of party but don't dress it up as some sort of service to parents!

duckbilled · 30/04/2015 07:25

YANBU to invite who ever you wish to your wedding, it's your day! Personally I wouldn't attend if I couldn't bring my very young baby (breastfeeding or not), however this is my issue not yours and I wouldn't hold a grudge. You are being unreasonable to expect young children to be left with grandparents they don't know very well if they live overseas.

Duckdeamon · 30/04/2015 07:28

Hear hear nooka!

Agree that "babes in arms" plus an invite for the 11mo travelling a long way would be good.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/04/2015 07:31

You are quiet within your rights to say no children, but be prepared that parents of young babies, might not come, as they are being breastfed or are too young for them to be left.

pangaea90 · 30/04/2015 07:47

I'd second the asking people individually (assuming it's someone who you really want to come). I was still feeding during the day at 11 months - not much, but enough that I wouldn't have gone away all day - and he's always been a bottle refuser. So even with an 11 month old I wouldn't have been able to accept a wedding invite that didn't include him. Every baby is different so you may have a 6 month old that can be left with some expressed milk but an older baby for whom that is just not an option. Good luck negotiating it all!

toomuchtooold · 30/04/2015 07:48

I think talking to those with smallish children individually is a good idea, as there'll be less opportunity for misunderstanding, and you'll find out sooner who's actually coming. Every kid is different, lots don't sleep well away from home and they have their wee clingy phases, so you might get knockbacks even from the parents of older toddlers.

Onecurrantbun · 30/04/2015 07:49

You can say no children if you like but be prepared for people not to come. I would not spend time and money travelling hundreds of miles to a wedding without my children, especially not if they were under 6 months old. Breast or bottle doesn't really matter. It's such a shame that your mum has taken over to the extent that you have this awkward dilemma - presumably if she hadn't invited 130(!!!!!!) extra people you'd have the space for children of your nearest and dearest.

MrsDumbledore · 30/04/2015 07:52

I went to a wedding which specified on invitations that they were very sorry but due to numbers and how many guests has children, they were only able to invite 'babes in arms' and immediate family children. I thought that was handled well, as I was clear on why some people's children had been invited and mine hadn't, and thought the reasons were fair. I did wonder about families who had older children too, but spoke to one and they said the older child was excited to be spending some quality time with grandparents and they were enjoying focusing on the baby alone for once!
I do think in your case you may need to add 'people who are travelling from abroad' to your list of exceptions though. And it is hard to set an age limit on 'babes in arms' -maybe under ones would be easiest. Or, have a strict no kids rule but be prepared some won't be able to come and don't be offended by that -I guess it depends on how close you are to those families.

PrincessOfChina · 30/04/2015 07:53

We had no children (would have been something like 44 kids if we'd invited them and that's not what we wanted). We just said that unfortunately we couldn't accomodate kids but of course small babies were welcome. We had two in the end and only two guests who declined because they couldn't be parted from their older children.

Vintagebeads · 30/04/2015 08:02

my sister had just her dd and my two,explaining that due to the number of other children it wasn't possible to invite all children, everyone but one person was fine with it,my cousin wife made a huge deal out of it and didn't go,which was fine but the fuss she made before deciding not to go was uncomfortable,at one point she was coming with child as she was sure no one would notice
Its fine to invite or not who you want,but babies often mean people may not attend so long as your OK with that.

prepperpig · 30/04/2015 08:09

I would consider carefully the people who will have babies. My BF and I fell out when she got married. I didn't actually realise she'd fallen out with me for a good while after the wedding, I thought she was just busy with the madness of it all (she lives in a different city half a day's travel away).

DS1 was breastfed and would have been five weeks old at the wedding. We received the invitation and it made no mention of taking him along. It said "no children". At the time I didn't really think anything of it but then once he was born I realised there was no reference to him. I sent her a message just checking it was ok to bring him and got a very stroppy message back saying "no, the invitation says no children and we can't make an exception for you." I said "he's breastfeeding and won't take a bottle yet, I can't leave him. I'm really sorry but unless he can come we're not going to be able to."

So that was that. We couldn't go. I was very hurt. I sort of understood but also felt that DS1 didn't really count as "children" since he'd hardly be running about and wanting to dance to agadoo. She was put out that I didn't put her first. We then didn't speak for a couple of months and drifted apart.

So think about it carefully and make sure that if you allow some children but not others its very clear what the cut off is.

SuburbanRhonda · 30/04/2015 08:15

270

Yet another excellent reason for paying for your own wedding.

We had 20 daytime and 40 evening - no extended family invited as we couldn't afford it.

Writerwannabe83 · 30/04/2015 08:15

A very good friend of my DH got married 7 months ago and only babies who were under 6 months old were allowed in. Me and DH had a DS who was EBF and would be just over 6 months old at the date of the wedding and they said no to him coming, therefore I couldn't go.

It caused a lot of upset as my DH had been good friends with the groom for about twelve years and although he tried to bend the rules, the bride said no. Me and DH were quite upset by it. My DH didn't go to the wedding in the end and he was honest with his friend why. Their friendship pretty much dwindled after that.

It was really awkward when the photos came out as they had lots of photos of bottle fed babies there (who technically could be left) yet my BF baby wasn't allowed in because he was two weeks over the cut off point. It's a very delicate subject. Rather than putting an age limit on the 'welcome babies' maybe each case should be looked at differently. Just because an EBF baby hits the 6 month old mark that doesn't mean that overnight they suddenly start taking bottles, eating solids and can be separated from their mother.

Congratulations on your engagement and I hope you have a lovely wedding day

poocatcherchampion · 30/04/2015 08:16

Oh yes please dont do us the "favour" of organising an event we can't bring our children to so we can let our hair down. Not everyone thinks an event is better without the children we procreated.

If you dont want them to come just say so, that is fine.

singlikethepianoMargot · 30/04/2015 08:18

Are you prepared for people to bring their children? If so I would put something on the invite about you are not generally inviting children but you understand that some people with young babies would not be able to attend without them and to contact you if that is the case, as it is important to you to have everyone there :)

That way people can make their own choice as to whether they need to bring baby, there is no discrimination between boob and bottle, and no ill feeling when the mum with the 5 month old turns up but the mum with the 11 months old was told not to bring her baby...

UngratefulMoo · 30/04/2015 08:19

We worked on some wording in our invite that basically said, we don't really want you to bring your kids but if you must, we'll squeeze 'em in somehow (slightly more tactfully). About half brought their nippers in the end. No idea if we offended anyone but they're all still talking to us so can't have been that bad.

hackmum · 30/04/2015 08:20

If you're breastfeeding a baby, you have to have it with you - even with older babies, it's hard to leave them for more than a few hours. (Obviously you can express milk or use formula, but it starts to get physically painful for the mum if she doesn't feed for several hours.)

Some people with older babies or children may be happy to leave them with grandparents, but bear in mind that not everybody has parents who are living nearby/able and willing to care for grandchildren/still alive. So some people on your guest list simply won't be able to come if you don't invite their children. Which is one way of pruning down the guest list, I suppose.

bronya · 30/04/2015 08:22

I would not travel 200 miles with a very young baby so invite them and babe in arms but they probably will politely decline.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/04/2015 08:23

I agree, it's best not to put an actual age limit, or if you do, be flexible.

"Babes in arms" is the nicest way to put across what you mean in terms of your preferences, I think. :)

Bunbaker · 30/04/2015 08:24

Some excellent ideas on here.

I would like to add that I hate the assumption that people bring their children because they can't bear to be parted from them. Lots of parents just don't have other childcare options.

270 people? Are you from the Von Trapp family?

Cupoftchaiagain · 30/04/2015 08:25

I liked the pp's note "not having children as we reckon u might like a night off and party, plus keeping numbers down but if u want to bring wee Jimmy for any specific reason just drop us a note thank u!"

SpiritOfTheRitz · 30/04/2015 08:31

I think if you are having so many people anyway, I might be inclined to invite all the babies under one, just to save any possible ill-feeling.

They might well not bring them anyway - inviting a child doesn't make it's parents' any less likely to leave it with a babysitter and come without.

I'm always gratified and touched when my DC have been included on a wedding invitation, but still (unless the DC know the person getting married fairly well) we usually leave them with grandparents, or just DH or I go and the other stays with the children depending on whose friend it is.

I would say if parents are happy with the babysitter idea they will probably do that regardless, if they aren't happy with it, and their babies aren't invited, they probably just won't come.

ItsADinosaur · 30/04/2015 08:31

I would invite babes in arms yes, they won't cost you anything as they won't need food or a place. I wouldn't leave my newborn regardless of bf or bottle fed.

We took our 4 week old to a wedding and he didn't make a peep. Just fed him.

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