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Original poster

Intimidated by boastful moms at toddler group:(

68 replies

Tsarina1 · 30/04/2015 02:46

I go to a lovely class which my 2 year old loves & I really enjoy bringing her. It' v small with only 6 other moms( all high flyers, extremely middle class)a dad & 2 au pairs. The moms have formed their own group & don't acknowledge anything I contribute toconversations. I can be extremely socially awkward & this is just adding to my anxiety. I am a sahm. Worst of all i feel I am failing dd as I don't seem to "big her up" like these moms. I don't feel I need to as it's obvioius she's great, I praise her for sharing, good manners & self care skills but to her. These ladies boast & talk over each other about how clever their dcs are, "brains to burn" "extremely advanced" etc. Am I failing my dc by not waxing lyrically about her even though I think she is wonderful too? Their dcs seem so confident. Will my dd wonder why her mummy is not telling the room really loudly she's a "cleverclogs"... would like to fit in a bit more for dd's sake but feel I'm being looked dowm upon for being a sahm, not the same level of education & for having such poor conversation skills....

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2015 03:02

What about the Dad and the au pairs? I had a shitty group when DD was little and I just found the two mums I got on with and spoke to them.

BTW research shows that children who are told they are clever are more scared of failure, try less hard and don't raise the bar for themselves; so don't worry about that.

murmuration · 30/04/2015 03:05

Chat with the Dad and au pairs. It doesn't sound like the Mums are worth it. I heavily dislike that talk-up-your-kid stuff -- I don't think it could possibly be beneficial to a child, and likely detrimental. It sounds like the women may be feeling insecure if they need to loudly proclaim how great their kids are. Your child will be more balanced than theirs. And "brains to burn" at 2??? Good heavens. I have an old friend like this, and I am quite glad that an ocean seperates us, as I don't think I could stand too much close interaction with the way she always wants to 'up' her kids' achievements (2 and 4yo).

Original poster
Tsarina1 · 30/04/2015 03:08

Ah thanks for the reply, I am losing sleep over it thinking I'm failing dd. She's thriving in the class, it a craftclass so parents sit on the side while the dcs work with the teacher. The dad is engrossed in his phone & the au pairs are both the same nationality so speak to each other in Spanish:( I try to speak about my dd too(who is wonderful like every mothers child) but no one seems remotely interested:(

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2015 03:22

Goodness me, don't lose sleep over it. Just take a magazine and relax if there's no need for you input.

If it were me and I'm a major extrovert with enormous self-confidence I would sit next to the Dad and just say any old nonsense to him. He's either worried about not fitting in, genuinely not bothered or shy. I would even try to au pairs. Shit, you might learn Spanish. Just say, "hola" when you see them and smile.

Are you suffering from depression or anxiety do you think?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2015 03:22

Sorry for the grammar! Grin

Coyoacan · 30/04/2015 03:36

All small children are brilliant. As I once read, nobody ever again learns as much in two years as we do from birth to two years of age.

Bring your phone and ignore. You can't fit in everywhere but I much prefer your attitude to the other ladies.

Roonerspism · 30/04/2015 03:40

I can't stand the constant bigging your child up. Doesn't do anyone any good. Kids don't try as hard.

I would ignore these mums. They sounds like total pains in the arse.

DressedUpJustLikeEdie · 30/04/2015 04:17

Does anyone actually say out loud in general conversation that their toddler is 'extremely advanced'? Shock

I doubt they are actually 'looking down' on you anywhere near as much as you think they are. It's more likely that if you have poor social skills and anxiety and are intimidated in their presence that they probably barely notice you are there and just don't find you as interesting and fascinating as they find themselves and one another. But that doesn't mean they look down on you.

Why don't you try a different toddler group in an area where you find the people more your cup of tea and more approachable?

SolasEile · 30/04/2015 04:49

They sound obnoxious. I know no moms who would seriously sit at a class with a straight face and talk about how advanced their toddler DC are and not expect to be laughed out of the room. In my circle - all pretty well off, educated moms - that would make you a laughing stock.

I'd ignore them and get engrossed in your phone like the Dad or a good book maybe.

FindoGask · 30/04/2015 05:26

Fuck 'em! And of course your daughter won't care that you're not bigging her up - she'll be too busy playing. I agree with everyone who suggests you should take a book if you still think it's worth your daughter being there.

jeanswithatwist · 30/04/2015 05:42

they sound awful to me, in my book you sound like the superior one, really. i prefer to hang on my own than spend time with people like that. try and feel good about yourself and not feel inferior to these women who tbh sound pretty vile

shattered77 · 30/04/2015 05:58

It's all a sign of anxiety and insecurity. Imagine actually having to put energy into worrying about things like that, and projecting this image??! Let the kids play, and do your own thing. You are actually more confident and secure than them.

BathshebaDarkstone · 30/04/2015 06:03

I agree with just go on your phone, I MN in those situations! Grin

MrsMook · 30/04/2015 06:04

Ahh, the joys of teaching a mediocre child with an over inflated sense of self-worth fed by hyper-devoted parents.

You're doing a great job. Being OTT can do more harm than good.

Variousrandomthings · 30/04/2015 06:15

Take a book? Or a magazine or newspaper to read? Or listen to some music? Not all mums are like this. They are just awed by precious first borns but it's painful and exclusive.

londonrach · 30/04/2015 06:24

Dont talk her up. If someone talking up their children ability it shows more about them. Just take a book and use the time to relax. I feel for these woman as they do sound very insecure.

VelvetRose · 30/04/2015 06:24

Agree with everyone else. Mums like this are a total pita. I wouldn't bother with them at all. Just focus on your dd and how much she enjoys the class. There's a couple of parents at my dd's martial arts class who are like this. It's bloody annoying and I inwardly cringe.

Chiggers · 30/04/2015 06:37

So the other mums don't want to speak to you???? Well turn that into a positive and acknowledge that you can be left alone in peace while you read a book or something. Besides, would you want to be friends with people who are like that???

Original poster
Tsarina1 · 30/04/2015 06:56

It'd painful listening to them, one mum started on about how her dc thought himself to add & subtract with no help from anyone etc. To be honest I posted as I felt crap leaving as there is so much my lovely dd is wonderful at & I felt maybe I should be able to talk about her too & I don't want her having confidence crisis when she's older due to my lack of bigging her up in her early years.

OP posts:
shattered77 · 30/04/2015 07:03

There is a difference between bigging her up to her face and in your own interactions, and bragging and speaking publicly about her.

Mehitabel6 · 30/04/2015 07:03

Smile, nod and ignore. Not worth bothering about. Let it wash over you.

Mehitabel6 · 30/04/2015 07:06

'Bigging her up' in her early years is the thing most likely to give her a confidence crisis! Relax and enjoy the stage that she is at.

Mehitabel6 · 30/04/2015 07:07

When you see them from babies to adults there are lots of surprises and you often don't get what you, or the parent, expects!

ScaryMaryHinge · 30/04/2015 07:14

These women sound vile, and it's not your DD who will having confidence issues when she's older, it's the children whose mothers are so competitive and put so much store in their children's perceived "brilliance".

Out of six PFBs not all can be geniuses, I'd say most, if not all of these women are going to be rudely disabused of the idea that their child is academically gifted when they start school.

Morelikeguidelines · 30/04/2015 07:22

I would copy the dad and not bother with them! I'm also sure he would be up for a bit of conversation if you speak to him. Some people ddon't like to chat all the way through these things but in doubt he will ignore you just to be on his phone.