Intimidated by boastful moms at toddler group:(

[Tsarina1]

I go to a lovely class which my 2 year old loves & I really enjoy bringing her. It' v small with only 6 other moms( all high flyers, extremely middle class)a dad & 2 au pairs. The moms have formed their own group & don't acknowledge anything I contribute toconversations. I can be extremely socially awkward & this is just adding to my anxiety. I am a sahm. Worst of all i feel I am failing dd as I don't seem to "big her up" like these moms. I don't feel I need to as it's obvioius she's great, I praise her for sharing, good manners & self care skills but to her. These ladies boast & talk over each other about how clever their dcs are, "brains to burn" "extremely advanced" etc. Am I failing my dc by not waxing lyrically about her even though I think she is wonderful too? Their dcs seem so confident. Will my dd wonder why her mummy is not telling the room really loudly she's a "cleverclogs"... would like to fit in a bit more for dd's sake but feel I'm being looked dowm upon for being a sahm, not the same level of education & for having such poor conversation skills....

I find that people who keep brag a lot do so because they need to believe it themselves. It says more about their needs than yours. Indulge them or not, it's up to you. I also find that the most successful of people don't need to do this as they have nothing to prove.

Enjoy your classes and glimpses into other people's minds!

Will my dd wonder why her mummy is not telling the room really loudly she's a "cleverclogs"...

Never in a million years. I doubt she'll pay any attention to those other mums whatsoever, especially if you are singing The Wheels on the Bus or chatting to her. There is more to self esteem than praise anyway - it's easy to tell a child you are proud of them but the tricky bit is to get them to feel proud of themselves, not fixate on winning someone else's approval.

FWIW I would much rather hang about with you than them.

One kept going on about how "confident" & "sociable" her child was,(the brains to burn one) said child kept inturrupting teacher, would not share art materials, wouldn't let teacher help other kids then would not stay at table, pushed other children while mum waxed lyrical about him, the others agreed!!!

IME motherhood is one long guilt trip. If you don't big up your DC they'll have self esteem issues, if you do you're setting them up for a fail.

I remember when DS1 was 12 months and my SIL was banging on that her DD1 (same age) was gifted at baby French. I was panicky that I was somehow failing DS by not taking him to French. DF sagely remarked that he'd be better off learning English first. He's now doing A level French.

There will always be pushy mums, mostly they're insecure and best avoided.

Research shows that vague/general praise or 'bugging up' is not helpful - the 'you're so clever' type stuff. As others have said, it makes children afraid to try new things in case they fail and show they're not so clever after all.

What is very helpful is specific/interested comments about what they're doing - so 'oh, that red bit you've coloured is lovely and bright' / 'I like the way you've drawn the fingers on that person so carefully' etc.' That gives the child a glow and a feeling of connection, and spurs on their interest.

Praising effort (when it has genuinely been put in) is also helpful 'You've worked really hard on that, well done' / 'I'm really impressed with how you kept going on that, even when it was difficult' That makes the child feel that working hard at something is rewarding

Boasting randomly about your child's general amazingness to other adults achieves precisely nothing except making you look like a prat.

I wouldn't worry. Also, these mums are probably just self-centred. They don't dislike you, they just love themselves more.

I am confused. indiana7, your post sounded as if you and the OP are the same person. Have you NCd?

Still go to the group, it sounds lovely, and your dd enjoys it, ignore these pests.

Please, Please please do not worry about this.

We had a very similar 'power mum' when little monster was young. Everything was a boast from her little darlings love of Duck liver, classical music and 16th Century french poetry.

One day at the toddler group she was telling us all how wonderful and ahead little darling was and how she was teaching him multiple languages ect when we turned round to see him take a massive turd on top of a wendy house on the playmat

BTW research shows that children who are told they are clever are more scared of failure, try less hard and don't raise the bar for themselves; so don't worry about that.

Not only that, but someone once did a study about whether early signs of brilliance predicted future academic achievement. Basically, they don't. The interviews they give kids to get into elite preschools (here, at least) don't do much better than random guessing at predicting who's going to do well in school later on. Early reading doesn't predict higher lifetime educational attainment.

They're treating their child as an extension of themselves and whilst it isn't socially acceptable to bray about your own magnificence, they are doing it allbeit dressed up as 'praise' of their child.
Translate everything they say into them praising themselves in public and see how silly it sounds. It's about them not the child.

anyway FWIW I have read somewhere that children that are constantly told how 'clever' they are tend to not do so well at school because they do not think they have to make any effort.

Apparently it is better to praise your child for 'trying hard' or ''working well together' or whatever.

oh sorry I see someone already said that...oops

My eldest two are well into their teens; it is so funny to think back to the early years. Ours were OK, some moments of brilliance but mostly just happy plodding along. I do recall over-protective; over-ambitious; pushy and cliquey mums. Years later it all seems bloody pointless and no idea why we were all in such a fizz??

" Years later it all seems bloody pointless "
yep I will second that, totally bloody pointless.

Toddler groups can be hell! They all sound like twats!

There's plenty of research to show that constantly praising children makes them less likely to succeed. You're better off praising effort "wow I can see you worked really hard on that!" "You did great getting back on your bike after falling, well done you!" Than an outcome. There's also plenty of research that shows that kids who are told they are special snowflakes are more likely to display narcissistic characteristics.

I went to uni (from a very rough comp where no one gave a toss what we did) and met several little princesses like this. They had no mental resilience to failure (or even not coming top) because they'd been told they were gifted their whole lives, prepped, spoon fed, tutored etc. They were not gifted, any of them. They didn't do very well and all dropped out of our course for easier subjects.

Praise your kids for effort. Use "wow you're clever" sparingly when it's deserved. Develop their coping skills, teach them that failure isn't falling down, it's staying down. Push gently, as in support/lead by example/offer opportunity, but don't hothouse.

Oh, and have an internal giggle and play competitive mum bingo with all their buzzwords... ;) they sound like absolute twats.

Motherofmonster that story is hilarious!! Find alpha moms(& dads & grandparents!!!) so hard to stomach too!!! Certain groups seem to breed a type of mom & there is usually one queen bee with a pfb who is just always way ahead of the others....