Intimidated by boastful moms at toddler group:(

[Tsarina1]

I go to a lovely class which my 2 year old loves & I really enjoy bringing her. It' v small with only 6 other moms( all high flyers, extremely middle class)a dad & 2 au pairs. The moms have formed their own group & don't acknowledge anything I contribute toconversations. I can be extremely socially awkward & this is just adding to my anxiety. I am a sahm. Worst of all i feel I am failing dd as I don't seem to "big her up" like these moms. I don't feel I need to as it's obvioius she's great, I praise her for sharing, good manners & self care skills but to her. These ladies boast & talk over each other about how clever their dcs are, "brains to burn" "extremely advanced" etc. Am I failing my dc by not waxing lyrically about her even though I think she is wonderful too? Their dcs seem so confident. Will my dd wonder why her mummy is not telling the room really loudly she's a "cleverclogs"... would like to fit in a bit more for dd's sake but feel I'm being looked dowm upon for being a sahm, not the same level of education & for having such poor conversation skills....

Blooming hell do you want to be a part of this group, I most certainly do not, sounds awful, your best of out of it and the hassle that comes with it. Chat to the au au pairs, or the dads in the group. Competitive parenting at its worse. Your child is a baby, they have a small window before they became an adult with its responsibility, enjoy these special times with your child, as you will never get them back.

You go for you dd, and nobody else, take a good book, or magazine, ignore them. Seriously, would you want them as friends!

Your social anxiety is the issue here. I would just cross the road to avoid them because they sound awful.

It's easy to feel intimidated by people who are like this, it does make you call into question the way that you do things particularly when the other child seems to be excelling in everything. But please remember that the boasting isn't to make you feel bad, it's to make themselves feel better. It must be awful to be in a social situation where you have to big up your child so much just to be able to converse with other people - this is what these mothers are doing. It's a massive insecurity that they're airing in public, embarrassing really because the rate of development in children varies so much, and stops and starts, that the people around them, quite rightly, think they're being pathetic. If there were mothers with grown up children listening to the conversation what do you think their take on it would be? Of course you feel as if you should do the same - it's what the majority of the room are doing. But that doesn't mean that you are wrong by not doing the same.

Self esteem problems are created very early on, that's all these mothers are doing with their incessant boasting. It might make them feel better for a while but it won't last. Honestly, take a book or magazine and don't let yourself be drawn into it. They sound competitive and insecure, the most lovely mums I've met at groups are the ones who talk about things other than how advanced their child is, the others are only interested in a 'friendship' so they can make comparisons to placate their own sense of insecurity.

Don't waste your time and energy on these people anymore. These type of Mothers are ten a penny; we used to get them all the time at the classes DC1 went to. We stopped going in the end, as DC1 started Nursery. However, for the time we did attend, not once did I ever get involved with any if them. For me, I was there for my child and I kept well away from these mothers.

Think of the real reason your going, like a pp has said, and focus on your child. Why are you even standing there, attempting to join in with them?

Read a book, play on your phone, but keep away.

Even if you were in this Alpha mummy group, you will be constantly on edge, is my child good enough? I am not good enough? You really are best off out of there. They are really setting up their children for a fall, making them insecure, lowering their self esteem and self worth, it will bite them in the bum later on.

Totally agree with you stickledpink with bells and whistles on.

Just fast forward life in your brain 7 years down the track. You'll have a child in the upper side of primary school, possibly other children also at school, you will know loads of other parents and people in the school and probably have a friendship group of nicer parents, you won't be able to go to Tesco without seeing someone you know FFS and you'll wonder why you ever bothered about this small handful of people at one class when your child was 2.

Hope that doesn't sound patronising but that's generally how it goes.

I once got paired up at a group with a mum with same age child as mine. Thankfully was quite interactive - dancing songs then something like jigsaws to wind down. Our kids were closest in age so got put together. She believed in never ever saying anything negative to her child.

So doing jigsaws she would say what colour is this? Child would reply (wrongly) red. She would say oh well done so clever it's almost red we call this black.

Fast forward 4 years and they are in reception together and her child is the most precocious, self centred child there who cries constantly and appears to have zero confidence.

They sound very annoying. We are all different & just carry on being the great mum that you are. It's not important or even desirable that such obnoxious tits engage with you

Smile sweetly to yourself that you are bringing up a child that wasn't given any impossible levels to live up to and probably won't be a precocious self entitled little brat either.
Those mummies sound dreadful.

They sound exhausting. Would you actually want to have them as friends and spend time with them, thinking up things to boast about? Get crafty with your dd, and make yourself a drink. Once you stop trying to fit in, you'll find yourself more relaxed. I can tolerate kids being hard work, but not adults.

My rule is this - if anyone I don't know particularly well says in general conversation that their pre schooler is "very bright" or some such similar nonsense I immediately conclude that they themselves are thick. I have never been proved wrong on this.

Round here it is totally socially unacceptable to say anything along these lines if you did you would rightly be considered a knob. Be glad you don't fit in and find another group. It's not you it's them.

Talk to your dd. You'll get more warmth and friendship. She needs play and stimulation and love. Doesn't sound to me like the other kids are getting that. I know which version of Mum kids prefer.

Man I avoid this type of mother. Take your phone and just use the chance to chill. Or play a game in your head. A bit of boastful mother bingo... Count how many times they use a certain word type of thing to make you grin.

Ugh I remember this. When my first was a baby I used to really worry that he wasn't crawling or rolling over or had a certain weight at a particular age, because of the way the other mums at the groups used to show off and boast. I also had that same feeling – where did they get all this confidence? But actually, it's not confidence, it's insecurity and it's their way of dealing with it.

One of them once came over to me and said she had a baby walker that she could pass on to me and she could come to my house that afternoon to drop it off if I liked - out of the blue. Now at the time I was anxious about baby walkers being unsafe or unhealthy or something (I was very anxious!) so I thanked her but politely declined. Her face fell and she walked away seeming on the verge of tears. I suddenly realised this woman who had just been boasting about her child's achievements was lonely and just really wanted to make a friend and have someone's house to go round to.

I never did make friends with her – because I'm socially awkward and didn't know where to start... But the tables turned and I saw actually I was not some kind of loser for not joining in with the over-confident boasting. It's OK to just be who you are, be happy with your child even if they're not the next Einstein, and get through baby groups by chatting to anyone and everyone or just playing with your child.

10 years down the line I can't remember anything about what small kids are supposed to do at what age and that world of competitive toddler groups is a distant memory.

I agree with others - take a book, do an online shop order, plan a holiday. The main objective of these groups are so the kids can socialize, if you can chat to another adult that's great. Try different groups / activities etc.

The only opinion at this stage of your LO that counts is yours, then at school the teachers.

My kid is the most popular in class - I was ignored by the women in playgroup , who now want to be my best friend because our kids play together. It's not going to happen :) I'm friends with people who are polite and I actually have something in common with.

I could be described as a "middle class high flyer" and so could many of my friends but these women are just vile. I love it when my DS does something new, or has a skill I think is advanced for his age but honestly it's very unlikely any of these toddlers are doing anything special.

It's actually a bad idea to constantly praise kids for being "clever". It makes them feel under pressure and much less likely to challenge themselves for fear of failure. Much better to praise effort, or just roll around on the floor with them having fun. They're two, they don't need to be constantly judged for how advanced they are, they just want you to take an interest in their mud pie or play dough sandwich.

well, education does not buy manners. definitely not in their cases.

Take heart in the fact that anyone who feels the need to boast about their kids to other parents is very very insecure, no matter how much they disguise it.

Your DD is 2 - she doesn't understand anything about being a clever clogs or otherwise nor does she care. She just wants to be with a kind, warm loving mummy - which I am sure you very much are!

Children's self esteem doesn't come from endless praise or being pushed to be competitive, it comes from a sense of being loved for who they are.

A small anecdote to illustrate why you shouldn't worry about this:

I had a colleague - a very, very confident Oxford graduate who came across as exceptionally clever and effortlessly competent. Once, during a coffee break she told us all (with a big smile) that when she graduated, her mother had told her: "X, you're going to have to get used to working with people who are not as clever as you are!"

She was given a ten month contract. Halfway through, the director had to let her go "due to funding issues". I was then given the task of re-writing a hot mess of a project she had been working on. She really was all mouth and no trousers. In the end, I was credited as author of the report and given an extension on my contract. (I had a different role, so this was entirely above board).

I'm almost the opposite of this colleague: I'm from a working class background and my parents never cared how I did in school, and never even mentioned university to me as an option. I ended up going anyway (to one of the best ones in the UK) as a mature student, and I've done pretty well for myself. Your daughter is already better of than I was, because you actually care about her future!

People who parade their kids like this are teaching them to keep up appearances, nothing else.

I think you should see it as a blessing that they don't interact with you. I wouldn't worry about your child's self esteem suffering, she's probably not even aware of the praise these children are endlessly receiving.

I publicly praised my nearly 8 year old DS the other day as he told me that his science work was being forwarded to the Head to look at and would be acknowledged in assembly for being exceptionally good. I was collecting him and was very proud of him and told him that he was 'very clever'. Other parents may have seen but it was a natural instinctive response, it wasn't for the benefit of others. DS is 'bright' and I will acknowledge that sometimes in a private conversation but perhaps in public setting. If I waited until we got home, he would think I'm not pleased with him. I personally think there's a balance to be had as my Dad never really praised us, you could always do a bit or a lot better and that's not good for self esteem either. However, 8 is very different to 2 and they simply will not really recognise your praise in the same way.

I must be lucky. My children are 5 and 9, I've been a SAHM for most of that time, done loads of different groups and classes with them as well as all the school runs and have never once come across a parent like this. I think in your situation I'd chat to the Dad or else bring a book. Possibly one of them started it and the others feel they have to join in otherwise their child might notice and feel left out? Good on you for resisting the pressure.

Tbh I was sickened, my dd is more than able to hold her own with their dcs & was in fact praised by the teacher at the end for her creativity & lovely manners. However it's thr bragging that I find hard to stomach. I was not praised growing up & it did have an effect on me, I would really benefitted from some interest & encouragement but this is the opposite end of the scale! Thanks forthe replies I really felt I was doing my dd a disservice by not bigging her up very loudly. We go to other groups & while I have encountered plenty of competitive parenting it's never been on such a scale!!!!

Stop trying with these mothers or leave the group altogether.
You don't need to brag about your child because you're secure in the fact that she is bright, confident and happy - the other mothers sound so insecure they have to keep trying to outdo each other via their children, which is quite sad and can have a damaging effect on the children!
I bet listening to them is hilarious