Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SiL had a go and says I'm the one in the wrong!

82 replies

Livjames1 · 28/04/2015 18:29

Hi I know this is probably nothing major in the grand scheme of things but still, I'm absolutely livid with my SiL. To be fair I'm not that keen on her, nor have I ever been, but I put up with her because our kids get along really well.

So anyway on a Tuesday after school my 9 year old son goes to a football academy training session thing at a sports centre in the next town. A year ago my nephew joined aswell, and as I was already going I was hair assumed to drive my newphew there every week too, which was no problem. Well the other day when we was all at at SiL's house my newphew told my son that he hated the football at the leisure centre and isn't going there anymore, my SiL was well within earshot and she just nodded to confirm this. So tonight I take my son to football as usual and half way through I get an abrupt text asking me were I am and why I havent come to pick my nephew up!

I told her that i didn't think he was coming anymore as that's what he said the other day and that she agreed. Well next thing she starts having a go saying she never agreed and that she relies on this football club (practically babysitting her son) why she goes to work ( she only work 3 hours a week over two days) and that she can't understand why I wouldn't text her to check whether my nephew was going.

Well OMG why the hell should i have to text her and mither her to see what HER son is doing, surely if he had changed his mind or something SHE should have text me! Like I said i know it probably sounds like a silly thing to get het up about but I'm sick to death of how much she relies on other people and when you don't go along with the usual plans for whatever reason she's not happy!

She is a single parent with five children, she has only just started to work after 18 years of sitting on her arse doing nothing. All these years she hasn't worked she has relied heavily upon my husbands mum and dad and now she's come to rely on myself and my husband too and I'm sick of it. She drives but claims she can't afford a car (total crap!) but because me and dh have one each (have to because of work) she just expects that we can fit all her kids in when we go places, and considering I've got my own three children including a daughter who is autistic I really don't want my car full of other people's screaming kids all the time.

She relies heavily upon my in laws and despite only doing a cleaning job for 3 hours a week she has my MiL coming round of a morning getting her youngest four up for school, getting them ready etc and then drops them at two separate schools/nurseries whilst she lies in bed. She is constantly asking my Dh for favours and to help her round the house, for instance this month he has but up two king sized beds for her, built a playhouse for her youngest, built up a set of drawers and a toy box and has even asked him to take her shopping twice a week when he's on his late shift so he can take her of a morning to which my Dh has had to say no.

I know most of this isn't relevant to us having words today but it's just the type of person she is, expects too much of people and thinks people can second guess what her kids are doing. Oh and then she lied through her arse and said my nephew was sat there crying cos I hadn't picked him up but I've just spoke to him on Facebook (yes he's even allowed on Facebook!) and he said he's glad I didn't pick him up as he really doesn't like it and didn't want to go and that his mum only wanted him to go so that she could go to the pub with her friend. Which kind of makes sense as that's just the type of person she is, putting herself first before her kids.

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 28/04/2015 18:33

You dont sound very nice tbh. A single parent with 5 kids does not sit on her arse for years. I am speechless!!

PeachyPants · 28/04/2015 18:35

This just sounds like a misunderstanding about the football, neither of you in the wrong and it was unfair of her to be abrupt with you. However it sounds like there are bigger issues here and you've come to resent the support (non reciprocated?) that is expected of you. I don't think you should feel obliged to carry on this arrangement if it's putting an additional strain on you, I'd try to pull back from this dependency otherwise tensions will bubble over again.

AuntyMag10 · 28/04/2015 18:35

Your intense dislike of her shines through.

SwanneeKazoo · 28/04/2015 18:37

Can you be a single parent of 5 children and at the same time be sitting on your arse doing nothing?
How much effort would it have taken for you to text her to confirm whether he was going?

Collaborate · 28/04/2015 18:41

If you're doing a favour for someone it's never pleasant when they have a go at you and it can only cause resentment to fester. There are clearly issues between you both that prevents effective communication. You have to ask yourself what you're prepared to do to mend the relationship and what you expect from her.

redskybynight · 28/04/2015 18:42

I would have checked about the football, it doesn't sound from your description other than a vague child moan. I have a 9 year old and she says one thing one minute and the opposite the next. But accept it was a genuine misunderstanding.

If you don't want to do favours for your SIL, then don't. You certainly don't seem to like her very much.

BaronessBomburst · 28/04/2015 18:42

I got bored reading your rant, but I'm with your SIL on this one.

icelollycraving · 28/04/2015 18:46

Yabu. This was a misunderstanding,your intense dislike of her is pretty clear to see. How could she afford a car if she works 3 hours a week,has 5 kids & is single?

BackforGood · 28/04/2015 18:47

There are clearly ongoing issues, but, to isolate the actual question, I would have texted or phone to confirm if I was taking him or not, if there was an ongoing arrangement for me to take someone somewhere, and not relied on a child saying they didn't want to go anymore as being an official cancellation.
It sounds to me like you were a bit thoughtless and she's reacted strongly as we all would if suddenly left with a child not picked up, when we need to be elsewhere. Maybe she was presumptious in the first place to assume you'd take him each week, but, as you have being doing so, then you need to be very clear if either she wanted you to stop or you chose to stop. I don't think you were reasonable not to be really clear about it.

coalscuttle · 28/04/2015 18:49

I think you are both being unreasonable. But had to laugh at your critiquing her for being on benefits and not working, and then saying she is lying if she says she can't afford to run a car!

lovemyboo · 28/04/2015 19:02

Yabu

If you have an arrangement to pick up her son every week at the same time you do not just not pick him up one week. You should have double checked if there was a chance of a change. Wouldn't you be pissed off if someone just didn't show up as planned?

Also she is allowed to ask her own parents and brother for help, it's none of your business.

TwoOddSocks · 28/04/2015 19:08

It probably would have been wise to text her and check since a 9 isn year old saying "I'm bored of x I'm not going" is not usually a decision set in stone. That said since you're doing her a favour she shouldn't have had a go like she did.

I would probably stop doing favours for her that you're not really happy with otherwise the resentment is going to build up to fever pitch. Just help her in ways you don't mind then if you're not responsible for her it won't bother you whether or not she can afford a car or who she does or doesn't rely on for help.

Livjames1 · 28/04/2015 19:33

I didn't text her to check whether my nephew had changed his mind as I was too busy dealing with my autistic daughter who'd had a terrible day at preschool and had a major meltdown once I'd picked her up from and as I was driving to school for her brother decided to literally throw herself around the car. She unbuckled herself at leas 7 times, threw her shoes out of the window and cried at high pitch volume whilst I was stuck in traffic! By the time I'd picked my son up I didn't know what day it was so texting my SiL was not a priority. Plus like I've already said shouldn't she of been the one to text me?

OP posts:
DoJo · 28/04/2015 19:35

my newphew told my son that he hated the football at the leisure centre and isn't going there anymore, my SiL was well within earshot and she just nodded to confirm this.

I would have taken that nod as a 'yes, he has mentioned this to me' rather than as set in stone confirmation that a lift is not longer required. If you don't like her, that's fine, but it does seem like you are picking fight over nothing in this instance.

Livjames1 · 28/04/2015 19:38

Oh and in response to the sitting on your arse comment and not affording a car well the truth is she has full time help from my MiL an FiL. They run round after her like she is a child herself, make meals for her kids as she can't be arsed to cook, they take them to school when she is not at work and is laying in bed, she even has her mum round cleaning every week! And as for the car, she gets more in benefits and child maintenance than what me and dh bring home combined! Our mortgage is more than double her rent and we shell out a fortune each month in wrap around care and for specialist sensory aids for our daughter. She can afford a car but whilst me and my husband and my in laws are chauffeuring her about free of charge she basically has no incentive to get one!

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 28/04/2015 19:38

Yes she should have. It is not your responsibility run her household.

LapsedTwentysomething · 28/04/2015 19:39

Well no, you changed the arrangement. And the nod could have meant 'yes he is, I've bloody well paid for it!'

ProcrastinatingPat · 28/04/2015 19:41

I know from experience how difficult it is having an Autistic child. But it isn't ur SIL's fault u had a bad day. You obviously dislike her a lot and look down on her. I doubt very much she sat on her arse for years if she had 5 kids. Maybe you need to learn to relax a wee bit and concentrate on your own wee family instead of judging her.

tattychicken · 28/04/2015 19:42

Why would she have texted you? As far as she was concerned there was no change in the arrangements, therefore no need to text. YABU, but you're obviously resentful about giving your nephew a lift, so tell her you fit want to do it.

tattychicken · 28/04/2015 19:42

Don't want to! Sorry.

Livjames1 · 28/04/2015 19:43

No I didn't change the arrangement, not at all. I took my son and she agreed her son wasn't going, so he didn't. And she actually hasn't paid for it, she got the place totally free of charge as round here it's either free or subsided as part of this health kick scheme. I was the one who paid for my son so it's me who's got something to lose so to speak if I don't take him!

OP posts:
Greydog · 28/04/2015 19:43

YANBU - she should look after her kids rather than expect you to run after them - and I think the boys comment was telling. Lots of people who run out of school activities will tell you they are just a dumping ground for parents who want some child free hours

tattychicken · 28/04/2015 19:45

She will be subject to the benefit cap, so won't get more than £500pw in total. Not a huge amount for rent/food/bills etc for a family of 6.

Livjames1 · 28/04/2015 19:45

Why would I be resentful at giving my nephew a lift, that's ridiculous. It makes no difference to me whether he comes or not as I'm already going and he's no trouble so your barking up the wrong tree there. What I am pissed at is the fact my SiL is unorganised and expects people run around after here automatically knowing what she wants.

OP posts:
HappinessHappening · 28/04/2015 19:47

YANBU

You were doing her a favour, even if you'd just forgetten to pick him up or had changed your mind she would have no right to get stroppy with you

Just say no to any favours from now on and then there will be no more drama