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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my dd chats online to my friends?

26 replies

iprobablyamornotwhoknows · 27/04/2015 22:04

My dd chats to my friends online be they people she knows well or only met once. She always starts the conversations.

She's been doing this since she was about 15 now nearly 19. I've asked her how would she feel if I started conversations with her friends who've only been round here once and she said that would be really weird and I said don't you see that's what you are doing.

It really annoys me, makes me feel like she's encroaching on my place.

AIBU to be irritated by this?

OP posts:
iklboo · 27/04/2015 22:07

What do your friends think? Have they said anything to you about it?

Original poster
iprobablyamornotwhoknows · 27/04/2015 22:10

They've sometimes told me what she's said when it's something I need to know, she's then shocked they've told me and I point out of course they are going to tell me. Talk to your friends if you don't want it to get back to me.

But no ones moaned about it or told her to stop or for me to get her to stop,

OP posts:
PHANTOMnamechanger · 27/04/2015 22:16

what sort of things is she telling them that you need to know?? genuine question - is this some sort of attention seeking? desire for attention she's not getting from you? is she trying to shock them/you?

Original poster
iprobablyamornotwhoknows · 27/04/2015 22:19

Nothing major and friends tend to say it to me in a way they think I would already know or checking I'm aware of.

Like if she's fallen out with someone at school, or she's planning a night out.

No big stuff just chatting to them.

But she gets shocked that they talk to me about what she chats to them about.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 27/04/2015 22:22

I would give my friends permission (for want of a better word) to ignore her. Perhaps they feel,they have to be polite for your sake.

Yanbu to find it irritating. I would.

whois · 27/04/2015 22:22

How does she find them online? Why do they chat back?

rockybalboa · 27/04/2015 22:24

How is she chatting to them? Facebook or something more direct like email?

Original poster
iprobablyamornotwhoknows · 27/04/2015 22:31

Snap chat and facebook messenger.

I don't want to come across to my friends as telling them who they can/can't talk to.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 27/04/2015 22:38

Hm yes this is very strange. I agree that it seems like attention seeking behaviour. I suppose all you can do is be there for her and let her know you're there. Does she have friends her own age? If it were me I would make it harder for her to contact them - how is she getting the contact details of people you don't know well? I also agree that you should let people now it's fine to ignore, your friends are unlikely to be interested in your daughters fallings out.

Original poster
iprobablyamornotwhoknows · 27/04/2015 22:40

She doesn't know them well I know them well.

OP posts:
PHANTOMnamechanger · 27/04/2015 22:43

is your relationship with her otherwise good OP? It's almost like you sound jealous of her - not wanting her to talk to your friends, because they are yours, is not the same as thinking it's odd for her to be targetting your mates, including relative strangers, rather than her own peers. And if my DD was confiding in other people and not me about fallings out at school etc, I would be concerned that there was something very wrong between us.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 27/04/2015 22:45

looking on the plus side though, its probably better that you know who she is talking to and know they will feed important stuff back to you, rather than her chatting to loads of randoms, meeting up with strangers, and divulging too much personal info online to people she does not know.

Original poster
iprobablyamornotwhoknows · 27/04/2015 22:48

I think there probably is jealousy on my part - she has a great social life and lots of friends while I keep a smaller circle and I just feel why do you have to talk to my friends when you have your own to talk to.

Our relationship is ok, we have times where we get on very well and then other times where we don't, but the older she's got the easier the relationship is and I would say it was good now. This is the only thing that bothers me about her our relationship.

OP posts:
FeelingSmurfy · 27/04/2015 23:25

I am friends with some of mums friends on Facebook and will talk to them, they know me and most added me not the other way around. I don't see any harm in it and neither does mum (she is also friends with some of my friends)

At least she is adding people she knows not just random friend of a friend etc

zoemaguire · 27/04/2015 23:32

I'd be pleased personally! Like her having a lot of aunties. Relationships with supportive adults one step removed from family is a hugely positive thing esp during teenage years when life can seem very overwhelming and confusing. Sorry, I really dont get the jealousy thing at all. Presumably your friends are at least two decades older than her, if not more? You are hardly going to be supplanted in their affections.

zoemaguire · 27/04/2015 23:34

And the answer to 'why does she have to talk to my friends when she has her own?' Because her friends will be self-obsessed teenagers, going through their own growing pains! Not likely sources of mature advice.

drbonnieblossman · 27/04/2015 23:36

I'd be pleased personally! Like her having a lot of aunties. Relationships with supportive adults one step removed from family is a hugely positive thing esp during teenage years when life can seem very overwhelming and confusing

Really agree with this.

Variousrandomthings · 27/04/2015 23:38

I'm friends on FB with a close friends parents. It's really nice! I would be happy for my DS to be FB friends with my closest best friends but not any randoms

googoodolly · 28/04/2015 05:17

I really don't see the problem here. I'm friends with several of my mum's friends on Facebook - most of them added me - and we occasionally comment on each other's posts and send each other messages. It's nice - these people have known me since I was born Smile

Besides, she's 19, you can hardly ban her from speaking to people she knows on the internet (or even people she doesn't know, she's an adult!).

QOD · 28/04/2015 05:36

I worry its odd. My friends 17 yr old son and I are Facebook friends. I unfollowed so I don't see the day to day but he'll tag me in any wine mêmes and inboxed a few times if something funny happened.
I always worry his parents wouldn't like it! I've always had a great relationship with he and his brother, I'm quite 'rude' and double entendre and since he 'got' me he's just been, I dunno, viewing me as a funny aunt?

shewept · 28/04/2015 06:50

I think its a bit odd tbh. Its not like they are just fb friends and she has left a comment, she is actually starting conversations with people she barely knows, telling them things she hasn't told you (and is shocked when you hear) because they are your friends.

I think there is a deeper issue here. If she just added then in fb, fair enough. Repeatedly starting convos, especially when you have said your are uncomfortable with it, says she is doing it for a reason.

Your friends may not have said something, but they probably wonder why their friends dd who they don't know is messaging them.

Sallystyle · 28/04/2015 08:21

I don't see the problem.

I talk to my mum's friends occasionally, have them on FB.

I would have no problem with my children doing this.

hobNong · 28/04/2015 08:39

How does your dd end up friends online with them in the first place? I think it's a bit strange and immature that you're jealous she is friendly with your friends. Maybe she talks to them because she wants an adult to talk to and you're not available/approachable.

reni1 · 28/04/2015 08:41

I am often chatting to my parent's neighbour's 14yo daughter, she starts it. It's really weird, her parents think it quite normal so I go with it. Feels very intrusive though. I also worry who else she shares so freely with...

zoemaguire · 28/04/2015 13:32

Why is it weird though reni? I'm genuinely interested in why - to me, forming relationships with other friendly adults seems an eminently normal and good thing to do. Teenagers are people too! Clearly the friendship can't be on the same equal basis as it would with an adult, but why the suspicion about friendship between different ages, and why is it more intrusive if a teenager shares things with you than if an adult did?