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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that once again DH has just stopped pulling his weight in the house?

72 replies

Glassandshiny · 27/04/2015 10:49

As per the title really.

DH goes through phases; he'll get lazier and lazier in the house until he's doing absolutely nothing in the house or with the DCs. I'll tackle him about it and we'll argue as he thinks I'm nagging and he'll make a token effort to do a bit of stuff in the house and then it dwindles to nothing again.

Not only does he do nothing, he makes mess constantly. I have just spent 10 minutes clearing out our cutlery drawer as he's so fucking lazy he opens beer bottles into the drawer rather than get the bottle opener out and there were loads of beer lids in the drawer and spilled beer.

He has literally spent all weekend doing nothing except going on the computer and watching TV. In the evenings he falls asleep rather than put the kids to bed. He won't cook any meals. I was ill recently for a few days and he did nothing in the house, just fed the kids crap and wouldn't even do a basic food shop.

I've had enough.

OP posts:
WelcomeToMNMadness · 27/04/2015 10:55

So how thin is he now? Does he need treatment for his emaciation? Is his boss complaining about him coming into work dirty?

It's a very simple system. You don't cook, you go hungry. You don't do any food shopping, you go hungry. You don't wash the dishes, you have no clean ones to eat from. You don't wash your clothes, you wear them dirty.

Leave him in his own shit. Don't dream of cooking for him, washing for him or even cleaning the bathroom after you've used it and you know he's going to be next to take a bath. He'll have two choices and you can give it to him straight. Do it himself or leave.

YouBetterWerk · 27/04/2015 10:56

YANBU, that's a crock of shit.
Flowers
Some may suggest going 'on strike' in a bid to show him how much you do but it seems he may actually quite like that as it'll stop you 'nagging' and he can go back to living like a teenage boy.

Original poster
Glassandshiny · 27/04/2015 10:59

I think the crux of it is he sees it all as 'my' job.

I was a SAHM for several years and he got lazier and lazier during that time. I've been working again for a few years now but nothing has changed.

He is the first to moan about mess or if he has no clean clothes though.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/04/2015 11:00

This will always be the case because he has no respect for his family and you. Going on strike will change nothing. He doesn't give a shit.

expatinscotland · 27/04/2015 11:01

Stop doing SHIT for him. Don't enable it. He moans, just shrug.

BarbarianMum · 27/04/2015 11:03

I couldn't live like that, OP, I really couldn't. Not that I have particularly high standards but the sheer lack of partnership would really, really grate.

How about packing a bag for him and telling him you need some space to think? Send him elsewhere for a few weeks and decide whethwer you want to invest any more energy in the relationship and, if so, on what terms. You made find that, actually, you are done. If not, the two of you will have some space to negotiate a future and he might just take you seriously this time.

WelcomeToMNMadness · 27/04/2015 11:03

I agree it's about lack of respect expat but maybe he will give a shit if he has no clean clothes (ref Glass saying that he's the first to moan when he has none).

This would be a dealbreaker for me. I'd try the going on strike thing, and do it with a vengeance, but if it didn't work or he got nasty about it I'd have no hesitation in leaving. Life's too short to be a servant.

WhoNickedMyName · 27/04/2015 11:06

You know what he's like. You go through the same cycle and it always ends up back in the same place.

Why are you still cooking for him and doing his washing? Why do you facilitate his laziness?

Time to put up or shut up.

ahbollocks · 27/04/2015 11:11

Is there anything worth saving here? If you are earning etc now I think in your position now I would just call it a day. He's never going to change

ClareAbshire · 27/04/2015 11:14

Another one saying I couldn't live like that. Is this symptomatic of other respect issues in the relationship?

TheOriginalWinkly · 27/04/2015 11:15

Lazy bastard. My ex was a lazy sod and it killed the love for me. DH sometimes tries to slack off but I remind him I dumped one slob...

loveareadingthanks · 27/04/2015 11:20

Have you posted about this before, OP? The detail of you having been SAHM, his getting used to you doing it all, his refusing to do anything when you were ill in bed including not going food shopping?

If it's you, nothing has changed. He's always going to be like this. You've got to like it or lump it. I know I wouldn't put up with this shit any more.

If it isn't you, then have a hunt for a similar thread and you'll find loads of good advice on there.

Pootles2010 · 27/04/2015 11:21

I'm sorry, he sounds really, really awful. A few cups left out, not helping as much with cleaning I could live with. But just chucking beer tops in a drawer? Feeding the kids shit? He doesn't sound like he cares for any of you.

I'd be doing what Barbarian says.

MyCatIsAGit · 27/04/2015 11:23

Another one for what Barbarian said. If he doesn't come back maybe it would be easier on your own...and you could get weekends to yourself while he has the kids.

Does he have any saving graces?

possumbird · 27/04/2015 11:26

Are there any postives to staying with this man?
Is he a good father?

Original poster
Glassandshiny · 27/04/2015 11:27

I wouldn't mind as much if he was for example really focussed on the kids and doing things with them but he just does nothing with them at all. He won't even do the 5 year old's school reading book with him.

Yesterday morning he got up got himself breakfast and sat at the computer. When I pointed out that he needed to get the kids' breakfast as well he was very irritated and acted like I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
MyCatIsAGit · 27/04/2015 11:29

He sounds like a teenager rather than a grown up.

expatinscotland · 27/04/2015 11:30

Have you posted about this twat before? Like it lump it, indeed.

kewtogetin · 27/04/2015 11:36

Well quite frankly he does fuck all because you let him. You ask him, he says no, you do it anyway. He sounds like a terrible 'partner' and a shit father. He has no respect for you, his home or your children. IMO you only have one option. You sit down and tell him how you are feeling, how his behaviour affects you and the family and what the consequences will be if he continues this way. If this doesn't sink in and bring about change then I can't see how you can continue in this joke of a marriage. What a terrible example this is setting to your children.

chockbic · 27/04/2015 11:40

Write down a list of jobs that need doing. He must do them or they don't get done. I know you shouldn't have to but sometimes seeing things written down helps.

BarbarianMum · 27/04/2015 11:42

chockbit, such as? I can only think of 1 - his washing and ironing - which the OP could seriously leave without imacting badly on herself/the children. And what if he agrees to do his own washing/ironing but nothing else? Would that still be OK?

WhoNickedMyName · 27/04/2015 11:43

So what are you going to do about it?

DoJo · 27/04/2015 11:44

So he can't even put your child's needs before his desire to do fuck all? It honestly sounds like you would be better off without him - at least then you would have one less person's mess to deal with. Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel as his wife, rather than how annoying it is to have to actually do the physical jobs he is ignoring? I.e. not 'it's taken me half an hour to get the beer out of the cutlery drawer' but instead 'I feel like your attitude is doing long-term damage to our relationship because you don't seem to value me as more than a skivvy'? Perhaps he needs to realise that his behaviour will eventually break your relationship.

chockbic · 27/04/2015 11:44

Whatever needs doing to split the work. It gives him a chance to see what actually goes on. If he won't agree, there's your answer.

guinnessgirl · 27/04/2015 11:52

He needs a serious wake up call. I agree with @barbarian - tell him you need to reevaluate your relationship and ask him to leave for a while. Might shake him into realising things need to change. If not... are you really any worse off?

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