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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that once again DH has just stopped pulling his weight in the house?

72 replies

Glassandshiny · 27/04/2015 10:49

As per the title really.

DH goes through phases; he'll get lazier and lazier in the house until he's doing absolutely nothing in the house or with the DCs. I'll tackle him about it and we'll argue as he thinks I'm nagging and he'll make a token effort to do a bit of stuff in the house and then it dwindles to nothing again.

Not only does he do nothing, he makes mess constantly. I have just spent 10 minutes clearing out our cutlery drawer as he's so fucking lazy he opens beer bottles into the drawer rather than get the bottle opener out and there were loads of beer lids in the drawer and spilled beer.

He has literally spent all weekend doing nothing except going on the computer and watching TV. In the evenings he falls asleep rather than put the kids to bed. He won't cook any meals. I was ill recently for a few days and he did nothing in the house, just fed the kids crap and wouldn't even do a basic food shop.

I've had enough.

OP posts:
EyeofSaur0n · 27/04/2015 12:03

The thing about striking is that it adversely impacts the children's environment also. I have long since stopped washing dh's clothes but end up putting away his laundry otherwise it will be left until it has all been worn.
Ascertaining his particular bugbears will help - dh is obsessive about clingfilming everything for example so I just chuck everything in the fridge and leave him to do it.
In an attempt to force dh to get dd ready for school I got up and ready very early and announced I was off to work early (as he regularly does). He kept her off school for the day.
Can you chuck the beer bottle lids in a drawer of his things? Does that seem petty?
Only prepare food you know he doesn't like then shrug?
I don't know the answer even though I ask the question daily.

BarbarianMum · 27/04/2015 12:06

^^That is outrageous! Shock

Clutterbugsmum · 27/04/2015 12:55

The effort I would be spending would picking all his crap and mixing up with his belongings and throwing them out the front door followed by him and his computer.

expatinscotland · 27/04/2015 12:57

'dh is obsessive about clingfilming everything for example so I just chuck everything in the fridge and leave him to do it.
In an attempt to force dh to get dd ready for school I got up and ready very early and announced I was off to work early (as he regularly does). He kept her off school for the day.
Can you chuck the beer bottle lids in a drawer of his things? Does that seem petty?
Only prepare food you know he doesn't like then shrug?'

Yeah, really petty. And pathetic if you are over the age of about, oh, 14.

DonVitoCorleone · 27/04/2015 12:59

so fucking lazy he opens beer bottles into the drawer rather than get the bottle opener out and there were loads of beer lids in the drawer

Can i just say, my DP used to do this, so i started collecting all the bottle tops out of the drawer, kept them in a plastic bag then once i had loads i pulled back the covers on his side of the bed and poured all the bottle tops in.

Very petty but he stopped leaving the fucking bottle tops in the drawers after that!

Skiptonlass · 27/04/2015 13:07

Take the fuse out of the computer and TV plugs.

And tell him to stop acting like a man child and Pull his fucking weight. Seriously, what do you get out if this marriage? Another child to look after. Waste of bloody space !

wickedwaterwitch · 27/04/2015 13:08

I couldn't stay with someone who didn't pull his weight and my dh knows it's a big deal for me.

We use Wunderlist to list everything that needs doing, it's a useful app.

But if your husband's view is that it's your job an app won't change anything.

BathshebaDarkstone · 27/04/2015 13:11

My friend got rid of her P for similar reasons. LTB.

Quitelikely · 27/04/2015 13:13

I couldn't respect a man who wouldn't read to his own children. How sad.

He's supposed to be a father and husband yet he's not really doing anything to fulfil that role.

Give him a wake up call.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 27/04/2015 14:10

uHhhh, I don't understand the appeal of making an active choice to live in servitude.

Tell him you can't deal with it anymore and ask him to leave so you can do some thinking.

Why on earth would you stay in a relationship with someone who clearly has zero respect for you? Confused

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2015 14:34

Ugh how can you respect such a loser? He can't even be bothered helping his child with his reading book - that is disgraceful.

Did you post a couple of weeks ago about your husband leaving you in bed when you were ill but not doing anything with the children or washing clothes etc?

You realise you could have a lovely life without such a disrespectful and lazy twat in your life, don't you?

Kiwiinkits · 28/04/2015 02:17

Does he have a space that is "his own"? like an office, or a man-shed, or similar?

I've not used this strategy (my DH is a real man, not a lazy shite) but it sounds like it could really work.

Take everything he leaves in the wrong place (ie clothes left on the floor, wet towels left on the bed, beer bottle lids in drawers, etc) gather it up and dump it in his space. Continue this for three weeks. He might get the picture.

You can also say things like "DH, when you leave the towel on the bed it makes me think of you like my child. It puts me off having sex with you. I can't have sex with a man who is like my child!"

Coyoacan · 28/04/2015 03:18

What is his good side, OP? Seriously

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/04/2015 03:51

He's a single man living in your home and treating you like his mum, isn't he. He's taking no responsibility for family life at all.

So fuck him off, if you can - because it sounds like you'd be on a net gain if he wasn't living there - less work for you!

Definitely (again, if you can) stop washing and cooking for him. If he wants to behave like a fucking lodger, then he can bloody well find out what that's like.

I bet his mother used to do everything for him, didn't she. See, mine would be like this too if I let him - but I don't. He cooks every other night and does the washing up every other time. He now takes responsibility for 2 of DS1's activities, one because he does it too (martial arts) and the other because I refused point blank to do it (football) - but that's only been this year, since DS1 turned 7.

I'm not impressed with the low level of input my DH contributes to the family - yours has no input at all so there's really no point to him, is there.

ItsADinosaur · 28/04/2015 08:21

What does he bring to the relationship?

He treats you like a maid. He doesn't care and has no respect for you. Don't do anything for him. If you left I can imagine it would make no difference, only you wouldn't be clearing up after him.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/04/2015 08:25

Well he's an utterly shit partner and father. Bad luck. He won't change, so what are you going to do about it?

suzannecanthecan · 28/04/2015 08:38

more parasite than partner :(
such a common theme on here

SnowyPiglet · 28/04/2015 09:15

Here's what I would do:
Secretly pack a bag with some of his clean clothes in, new toothbrush & paste + anything else he needs for a few days. Hide it somewhere near front door.
Stop doing any of his other washing, etc.
Next time he moans about no clean clothes & you sense a row coming, calmly say, 'I know where your clean clothes are', steer him towards the front door, put bag out there, (and him), say very nicely (but through gritted teeth)...'Now just F* Off!', close the door, and lock it from the inside.
You retain a bit of dignity, he gets the message. Text him to say you will talk, on neutral ground, in 2 or 3 days time.
Bastard!

honeysucklejasmine · 28/04/2015 09:28

What a twat. In what way does he improve your life?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/04/2015 10:07

Do you have a spare room? If so, move into it, or better still move him in there and start charging him lodgers rates.

or

LTB

Is he even employed?

FenellaFellorick · 28/04/2015 10:15

What are you going to do about it? That's the hard question, isn't it?

He considers you a domestic appliance. He doesn't care about fairness. He doesn't care how you feel about it. He is utterly convinced that it is your role in life to service him. You are Wife. Carer of the children. Cook. Cleaner. Full Maid Service.

You have two choices. You either carry on or you don't.

He has the cheek to moan if the house is messy or he doesn't have clean clothes? Tough shit. Tell him to sort it himself. What's he going to do if you refuse to cook for him? Refuse to clean his clothes?

Seriously - he won't pull his weight in the house, he won't pull his weight with the children - what does he bring to the family that is worth putting up with this?

BringMeTea · 28/04/2015 10:19

I would not stay with a man like this. No way on earth. I am glad you have had enough. Get rid of the arsehole.

Writerwannabe83 · 28/04/2015 10:24

My DH also leaves bottle caps in the drawer, it makes me want to scream. Instead of leaving then there I might collect them as suggested by a PP and then put then somewhere really random. I'm thinking on his driving seat in his car.

My DH is atrociously messy - it drives me mad. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. We have the same argument over and over again, we just go round in circles.

In some ways he's brilliant and in other ways he's a nightmare.

You have my sympathies!

juliej75 · 28/04/2015 10:35

How in fuck does he justify to himself complaining about you asking him to pull his weight in the house and with the DC?!

If I was sitting around doing nothing and DH asked me to help with something, I'd be mortified that he'd needed to ask.

Why does he think he's so important that he doesn't have to do the unpleasant jobs, but you're so unimportant that you should do his share too? Why would he even consider spending time with his own child as something he'd want to opt out of??

He's an entitled, lazy, arsehole.

pictish · 28/04/2015 10:38

Well it certainly wouldn't be for me...that's for sure.

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